It’s Not About Me…
April 24, 2009
This isn’t a post about me or maybe it is…
Someone I care about very much has been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder – we will call him “H” for Husband and her “W” for Wife. It’s been a hard road for this family to get to where they are right now. Both H and W have been down a road with lots and lots of obstacles – some seemingly insurmountable and unsurvivable but still, they have endured. H finally will get the help that he needs. I’m so proud of the way they have handled things – especially W, she has a grace and presence of mind that awes me daily.
So why am I writing about this on my blog? One, because I love them and two, because it’s a reminder to me that I need people in my life who support me and I want to have people who I can support back. Sometimes I feel like I have taken more than I have given in the last year. I know that’s “allowed,” I know that’s okay given the circumstances but I’ve never been that person before…someone so needy, where it’s all about me…I guess it’s a little glimmer that I’m getting back a little of the me that isn’t heartbroken, lost and hurt. I know she’s in here somewhere, she just has a hard time swimming to the surface…
There is a song by 3 Doors Down called, “Let Me Be Myself” and while whole the song speaks to me, two lines really explain how I feel lately:
“I’ll never see the light of day living in this cell.”
“It’s time to make my way back into the world I knew.”
Maybe that’s where H is right now – making his way back.
Everything is a Memory
December 3, 2008
They are everywhere, bombarding me from all directions. Memories of this time last year when I was newly pregnant. I was innocent and thrilled, excited and a little scared. Now, all I can think about is that this would have been their first Christmas. I should be out buying little presents and toys and making plans for to have their pictures taken but no, not this year. Not ever. They are gone forever.
And I miss them so much I can’t stand to have my eyes open. I have cried so hard the last 3 days that my eyelashes are starting to fall out again. I think my pain is showing because people keep asking me if I am okay.
No, I am not okay. I don’t care about anything anymore.
I want to sleep through December and hope that next year will be better.
Survived Thanksgiving
December 1, 2008
Since this blog is all about my ability to survive things that have happened this past year (blah), I thought I would let you all know that yes, indeed, I survived Thanksgiving with my family. Hubby and I left Thursday morning instead of Wednesday night mainly because the traffic out of Raleigh towards the beach is BAD on the Wednesday before turkey day – last year it was awful trying to get to the ‘Boro (Swansboro for those of you not in the “know”) – a 2 and 1/2 hour trip took us nearly 4 hours last year….no, not happening.
Got to the ‘Boro, hung with Mom who managed to not say anything inappropriate or mean to me (she did call Hubby “shit for brains” or something close, I didn’t actually hear all of what she said), and we headed over to the family’s house for dinner. We ate, drank, played board games, went home, went to bed and were back in Holly Springs by 3:30 on Friday afternoon. I call it “Tag Team Turkey Day” – get in, get out, get it over with.
It was awesome.
Spent the rest of the weekend in my jammies, cleaning house, making our own turkey, destroying stuffing (don’t ask), shopping online, sleeping until noon (for some reason I am super-duper tired, my stomach is sick and I’m hot all the time – probably food poisoning or early menopause) and going to see “Twilight” (you will be sadly disappointed).
Only cried twice and no one asked me what I am “thankful” for this year.
I survived.
Now, just to get through Christmas……..