A Lesson in Not Being Bratty

March 9, 2009

First of all, the hysterolaproscopy on Friday went well.  There was a small polyp that basically fell off when Dr. S touched it with the scissors and a little “something” – might have been scar tissue, could have been mucus.  Dr. S zapped it and it’s gone.  Not a bad procedure in terms of recovery although the nurse blew 2 veins trying to get the IV in…it happens to me a lot, it’s not the nurse’s fault but god, my hand hurts and looks like hell – lovely shades of purple and green…

So I have been a little bratty lately.  I’ve had a bad case of the “why mes?” and the “whoa is mes!” (no idea how to punctuate that…) and what’s worse, I have adopted an attitude of “it’s okay for me to behave like this, I deserve it!”  That’s not okay.  For example, on Thursday, I totally blew it with Hubby.  He was trying to be nice, taking me out to dinner to relax me before the surgery and I came home in an awful mood.  Just horrible.  I behaved badly to the one person in the world who means the most to me and I hate that.  It makes me feel so, so terrible.  I fear at some point, he will just give up on me. 

Also, I wrote my post about the boys anniversary coming up, thinking that I was all alone in my grief and loss – that no one would remember or care.  Several people have remembered that tomorrow is when I lost Baby A.  Kelly gave me a lovely keepsake, the only thing I actually have that commemorates them.  Cousin Jenn-Jenn told me she knows that the next month is going to be hard for me and that she’s here when I need her.  Gretchen and Kelly are going to lunch with me tomorrow….Also, I placed blame on Hubby about going to PA this weekend.  I didn’t make myself clear, I’m going to go and it’s fine but it stirs up anxiety and painful memories and while I should have stood up for myself and articulated my concerns rather than just let it fester, I still want to go.  I need to go.  I need to get moving forward.

I guess my point is, I wallow a bit and fail to recognize that I have a wonderful husband and great friends and family.  I know that and I love everyone so much for caring for me.  It’s hard for me not to think about the boys right now.  I can’t just not think about it but I don’t have to dwell and I don’t have to be a raging bitch.

I do think I have to get back on the anti-depressants and I do think I need to stand up for myself when I don’t feel good and I don’t want to face something.

No one teaches lessons in how to grieve.  No one told me how to behave or what to expect.  Everything I have learned, I have learned from other people’s blogs.  The books are written by “experts” who have likely gone to school a long time but never experienced a loss like this or they turn to religion (which doesn’t work for me, I’m an atheist).  I didn’t think it would still hurt this bad, I didn’t think my nursery would still be empty, and I didn’t think my uterus would still be empty.  That’s all really hard for me to handle right now.  However, I could be handling this better than I am. 

All I can do is try and be better at getting better and hope that the people who love me and care for me will stick this out with me but I am going to promise to learn a little bit of grace.  That’s my goal for the next month.  More grace, less anger.

Wish me luck.

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3 Responses to “A Lesson in Not Being Bratty”

  1. iambrowneyedgirl Says:

    Luck!!! And many **hugs**

  2. KB Says:

    Now this sounds like a person getting unstuck!

    You have grace, you just need to remember where you put it.

    Glad your surgery went well.

    XO

  3. Christy Says:

    hi there. i am an atheist too and have found comfort in reading your blog and not having to hear all the usual religious hubris. were you ever able to find any books or support groups (on-line or otherwise) for like-minded people? i’m having a hard time finding anything….
    in any case, thank you and good luck!


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