October 6, 2008

I feel like quitting.  I’m not a quitter.  Everyone who knows me knows I will try something until I get it right. 

Here’s the thing, I feel like quitting and not trying to have a baby anymore. 

This is just too hard to keep trying every month and keep being disappointed.  I not only long for the month that I won’t be disappointed but I’m angry because I should have two babies right now.  This should be so unnecessary right now.  Right now I should be getting the boys ready for the family reunion this weekend, finding them Halloween costumes and preparing them for a visit from Auntie Michelle.  I should be exhausted from getting up and feeding them, I should look like crap because I haven’t slept or showered. 

I’m angry because I am wandering through my life with no seeming sense of purpose except to try and get pregnant.  I feel like the world places no value on me because I have no living children (my mother already solidified this for me years ago but I am now seeing it in the rest of the world).  What are we going to do if we never have children, if it never happens?  My sister in law and her husband have 2 children and 1 on the way and a crappy-ass marriage but are they going to stay married because they get pregnant if the wind shifts.  I have a wonderful relationship with hubby but is that all I get?  Do I only get one of the two?  I feel all this pressure because I just turned 34, I have been diagnosed with a chromosome issue that could contribute to a pregnancy loss, and everyone around me is pregnant or has an infant.  It’s totally selfish but I want to scream, “EVERYONE STOP.  Just let me catch up!”

Or I want to throw my hands in the air and scream, “I’M DONE, THIS IS JUST TOO HARD.”  I am so sick of this emotional roller coaster. 

A friend sent me an email about a time when all of his plans and expectations for his life just “blew up in his face.”  Everything that he had wanted was just not turning out the way that he had hoped or planned so he felt powerless and angry and he did something about it.  I really identified with what he was saying to me because I did that before.  I left someone I cared about very much because he was not emotionally ready to be married.  So I moved from California to North Carolina and as a result, I met hubby, the love of my life.  But, here’s the thing – I don’t know what else I can do about this.  I’m doing what the doctor told me to do.  I threw out the OPK’s, we are just taking it easy.  I’m doing what we did when we got pregnant with the boys -I’m reading, relaxing, doing yoga, swimming, not drinking caffeine, having a glass of wine occasionally.  Short of taking a vacation (which we took a mini-one at the beginning of September) and that would be hugely irresponsible given the financial situation happening right now, I’m at a loss.

Thank God for lunch with Robin and Gretchen today because I have not stopped crying since I got up this morning.

In Limbo

September 3, 2008

This is the part that I hate.  The waiting for the inevitable.  I know I’m not pregnant, I took a test this morning and it was negative but I was supposed to get my period on Tuesday.  So I sit here and wait for my period to show whenever she feels like meandering on in.  It’s nature’s cruel joke.  The only time you aren’t going to have your period is when you are pregnant right?  If  you are late, you’re pregnant, right?  Get excited and run out and get a test because you are probably pregnant, right?  Plan how you are going to tell hubby that he gets to be a Daddy again because if your period is late, you are probably pregnant, right?

But nope, not me.  Apparently since losing the babies, my body has decided to have 26 day periods, a couple of 32 day periods; not the usual 28 day regular periods that I used to be able to set a clock to.  Aunt Flo just comes and goes whenever she pleases, breezing in and out like a crimson tide.  So I get to sit here and hope and pray that I am pregnant and then the day that I miss my period, I run out and buy a test and when it’s negative, plunge into a downward spiral.  Disappointment sets in and I get to wait for the inevitable cramping and bleeding.  I’m cranky and mean because I’m sad and disappointed that I have to wait another month.  I’m confused as to why it was so easy last time and worried that I am doing something wrong this time.  I’m fearful that it’s never going to happen.  I’m mad at myself for being so quick to lose hope.

Basically, I’m in Baby Limbo and it really sucks.

BTW, did you know that Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant?  I know, it was a shock to me the first 500 times I heard it.  Just what I really want to hear on an hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis.  Not only can I not go into Target now but I can’t turn on NPR or CNN without being reminded that I shouldn’t have wait to have my children until the ripe old age of 33.  I should have bailed on college and law school and started my family early.  Instead, I get to be reminded every month that I have aging eggs and get to listen to people talk about how “brave” Bristol Palin is for having her baby.  What the hell?  Brave?  Brave are the women who have lost babies, had many, many rounds of fertility treatments and still, everyday hope and pray for a baby.  Brave is the girl who knows she can’t care for a child and makes the best decision she can for herself and her baby.  That’s brave.  Political Panda out.