One of Those Days….

January 14, 2009

I go through these phases where I accept the fact that I have been labeled “RPL” (recurrent pregnancy loss – I need to write a whole blog on how a label is extremely damaging to an already tired, grieving and frustrated woman).  I understand that eventually, I will have a baby but that I will likely miscarry a good number more times before getting that healthy baby gets here.  I sort of just figure, this is the way it’s going to be and while I can shake my fists at the universe and ponder why some people get pregnancy standing up wind from their husband and have little or no compassion for anyone other than themselves (if you read my blog regularly, you know of whom I speak), it’s not going to accomplish anything.  We just keep timing sex each month and waiting for the next positive result and hopefully it sticks.

And then there are the days that I just get pissed and I do shake my fists at the universe and scream, “Why me?  Why me?  WHY ME?”  Today I am pissed.  I woke up pissed.  I’m sullen and angry.

But that’s okay because I am allowed to be angry and mad today because tomorrow, I won’t be.  Or maybe I will be.  Who knows.  Part of this whole experience, for me, has been not being tied to one single emotion all the time and knowing that is okay.  I just have to ride it out.

On another note, here is a great blog about announcing pregnancies and I think it’s good for everyone to read.  I was guilty of this with the boys.  I just told everyone regardless of what happened in their past (in my defense, I didn’t know that some of my friends had lost babies – part of that culture of silence and shame that surrounds miscarriages and hopefully, blogging has taken away) and for that I am sorry.  Trust me, I’ve been schooled.

My friend Deb, who had losses before I was pregnant with the boys, called me and told me over the phone (we live 3,000 miles apart).  I was grateful for her directness and honesty and not letting me find out another way.  I was able to talk with her about her fears and concerns and it made me more aware when I got pregnant again.  Another friend has yet to tell me that they are pregnant but I know because they have a Facebook page.  It’s more painful to me to learn that way – it makes me think you can’t trust me and my reactions.  I know that you don’t want to hurt me but guess what?  I got hurt in April when I lost the boys, you had/have no control over that.  I will be happy for you but I will be sad for what I have lost.  There is nothing you can do about that and your deception only makes it worse.  It makes my loss about you instead of just your joy being about you. 

That being said, all in all, I’m doing okay even being sullen and angry.


6 Responses to “One of Those Days….”

  1. stacey Says:

    Thank you for the comment on my blog. I’ve added you to my feedreader and look forward to getting to know you better. First, I’m sorry about your losses. Really there are no words other than I’m just so sorry.

    And I know, labels are hard. Some days I hate them with a passion and other days I kind of accept them.
    Anyway, I’m glad you were able to relate to my post and I hope it encourages some dialogue with your friends.

    Keep in touch.

  2. Amy Says:

    Emotions…. I never knew I could experience so many in such a short time frame. I can wake up at peace, take a dive into grumpy, move into quiet, then finish off the evening with enjoyment. Up, down, all around. But as you said, few stick around for too long, and each is my own to feel. Today is anger/grumpy for you, tomorrow, who knows?

    Yesterday was anger for me – brief but intense. It had been a while since I wrestled with anger, and although it was consuming, it also felt good to really feel an emotion. A couple hours later I was laughing and feeling peaceful.

    Just another day in the life, right?

  3. Jaded Says:

    I’m not going to sugar-coat anything for you. Those odds are tough, but you know what? No doctor has told you not too try again. They are all working right along with you…beleiving that you will eventually get that take-home baby.

    I remember when the cerclage had become infected/failed and the peri was removing it (to prepare me for labor with Daniella). All the while he was talking about the next time. At the moment I was thinking: HELLO, still pregnant here!!!
    But you know what? He knew that I could eventually have that baby. So let’s trust in these doctors inspite of our odds.
    Let’s focus on the opportunities ahead. You and I know that we CAN conceive a healthy baby, that’s more than others will ever know…
    I’m sorry you are enduring this blue spell…and you better beleive that I know what it is to wake up pissed and angry.

  4. elmcitymom Says:

    i accidentally responded to a very old post of yours, b/c my blog linked to it. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even look at the date. so much has happened to you since then. i’m sorry about what you are going through. I am there, just a little more fresh- my baby boy silas died 10 hours after he was born, on sept 25, 2008. so just about 4 months ago. we want to get pregnant again. its a roller coaster ride this whole journey we’re on.
    thank you for sharing your story.

  5. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    I hope you’re having better days. I find myself having those exact same days. Sometimes I curse pregnancy and understand that maybe I’m just not ready to be a mom. The next I’m wondering the baby aisles with tears in my eyes wishing I could be there. My hubby calls is infertily bi-polar syndrome. I know it’s not that funny, but sometimes that’s all that I can chalk it up to. Good luck

  6. Samantha Says:

    Thanks for the comment! I was blessed with children from my first marriage. I recently found the man of my dreams, he has no children and I really wanted to share that with him. Two miscarriages later, I feel broken and disappointed. Thank you for sharing with me and I wish you the best. I added you to my blogroll!

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