Animal Rescue New Orleans

September 30, 2008

Please help Animal Rescue New Orleans to win $25,000 in the Animal Rescue Site’s Shelter Challenge.  Right now, Best Friends Animal Sanctuary is number one and while I heart them with all my doggie-lovin’ heart, ARNO needs your help too.

You can do it once a day.  Please help make ARNO number #1 in more than just my heart!


Freda in the House!

September 30, 2008

Oh joy!  Oh rapture!  My friend Kelly’s mother in law has lent me “Freda.”  Freda is a fertility goddess.  Please forgive me but in my haste to make dinner, go to Target, get some birthday cards, clean the kitchen and make spinach dip for book club tonight, I didn’t get any pictures of the lovely Freda.  I will correct that tonight….

Yup, a real live (well, wooden) fertility goddess and she’s awesome.  Apparently she has “powers.”  She lived in the dorm room at Duke with Kelly’s mother in law and two roommates.  Freda had been passed around to work her mo-jo finally coming to settle at the family lake house (two baby girls resulted from around that time period…coincidence or Freda?  I think Freda).  She is temporarily living with me in Holly Springs to “supervise” some baby-making.  I am so excited and so thankful (really, I swear, I used to be a rational person but don’t judge me, I’ve had a crappy, crappy year.  The fact that I am not in an institution is a dang darn miracle).

I have faith in Freda.

Good Dogs!

September 29, 2008

I am happy to report that both Quincy and Harley passed the AKC Canine Good Citizen test!  This was the first step needed for Quincy to become a therapy dog!  I’m so proud!

I Am A Dumbass…

September 29, 2008

I do stupid things that I know will upset me.  I cancelled my MySpace because I was getting weird “friend” requests and I couldn’t stand looking at people’s newborn babies up on their pages.  Too painful.  One in particular was hubby’s friend from high school whose girlfriend was due a month before we were due to have the twins.  Coincidentally, we were all having boys.

So she and I would message back and forth about the babies and the ultrasounds and such.  And then we had to go to Philly and lost Baby A.  Did I mention they live in Harrisburg and we were staying in Harrisburg with hubby’s mom?  Did I mention that Girlfriend has lost 2 babies before?  In fact, the first time I met her, she had just had a miscarriage and was a wreck.  My first night hanging out with her, she was crying and screaming because no one could understand her pain.  Sound familiar?  Did I mention they didn’t call, didn’t visit, nothing. 

So when we lost the second Baby, hubby emailed his friend to let him know what had happened and that obviously I would be unable to attend Girlfriend’s shower in 2 weeks.  Nothing.  No card, no flowers, nothing.  Silence.  Crickets.

Now, being well-mannered, I knew that I had to send a gift to the shower so I drag my ass out of bed and go to Babies R Us and get a cute little blue blanket and a stuffed frog.  Did I mention I just lost my second baby less than a week earlier?  It was painful to be in that store.  Painful.  Did I mention that I didn’t get a thank you note, an acknowledgement, nothing?  Again, crickets.

But of course, morbid curiosity sets in and I look them up on MySpace.  I am so happy that the baby is doing well but really pissed that neither one of them could pick up the fucking phone and call us.  Or write a note.  She knows the pain I am going through and still, nothing.  I shouldn’t care about them but I do.  I guess she doesn’t want my dead baby cooties or something, I don’t know.  And I am pissed that this has upset me as much as it has….

Which is why, I am such a dumbass.

Two In My Heart…

September 26, 2008

Well, I think I have solved one of my many problems….

Those of us who have lost babies struggle with what to say when someone says, “do you have kids?”  This is incredibly hard to answer because, yes, we do but they died.  As soon as I say to you, “I was pregnant with twin boys but I lost them,” my relationship with you is forever changed.  If I say, “no, I don’t,” I feel crappy because I want to acknowledge my boys not lie about what happened.  I carried them for 22 weeks and I gave birth to them and I love them and I miss them and I ache for them every minute of every day.  And since most people are inherently nosy, I know that I will continually face this dilemma.

My policy before had been to be honest.  Screw you if you felt bad for me or guilty for asking or if you didn’t want to talk about my loss, that’s your damage not mine.  I looked at the act of being honest as an act of courage.  Everytime I told my story, I healed a little bit and I honored their memory.  But I always hated telling a nosy stranger about my boys.  It does take a lot out of me to talk about them.  I’m exhausted after talking about them with someone who needs the whole story.  Hell you guys (well, most of you) don’t even know their names and we talk about my adventures in cervical mucus.  Doesn’t seem right to share something so intimate with a nosy stranger.  And it’s hard on me.

My solution came when I was talking to another blogger who feels she failed at being a mother.  I told her that she couldn’t have failed because her baby was in her heart and soon she would have another baby in her hands.  That’s when it hit me.  That was my answer.

So ask me.  Go ahead and ask me if I have kids.  Here is my answer:

“Yes, I do, I have two babies in my heart.”

And I can’t wait to have one in my hands.

10 Days is Up….

September 26, 2008

Humane Society of Southeast Texas is starting to adopt out animals from the Beaumont area on Saturday.

http://www.beaumont enterprise. com/news/ local/pet_ owners_need_ to_claim_ rescued_pets_ by_saturday_ 09-25-2008. html

If you or someone you know is missing an animal in that area, PLEASE have them contact the shelter or contact me and I will find a way to contact that shelter.  Questions?  Please go to or

My People…

September 25, 2008

If you are my people, you should read this article from the NY Times.  It’s very good.

I’m A Liar

September 25, 2008

I lied to a friend today.  She sent an email to let us know that there may be something wrong with her baby but that the doctors were going to runs more tests and she would keep us posted.  I sent her an email back telling her that everything would be okay, that I was sure it was nothing but that I would think good thoughts anyway.

I lied.

I said all the generic things you are supposed to say to a mom who is clearly terrified that there is something wrong with her unborn baby.  I lied to her like all of the people who lied to me when I sent the email that the twins were in trouble and we were leaving for Philly that morning.  I lied because I know that right now she is so scared that she can’t form a complete sentence, that every thought in her head is about that baby, because right now, she would give her own life to make sure that baby was safe and healthy.  Oh believe me, I know.

So I lied.

In my heart, I don’t think I believe that anything will ever be okay every again.  I am so disillusioned with what modern medicine can do for a baby in utereo that I still wonder how in the world healthy babies are born.  In my world, a healthy baby is an exception not a norm.  Because of my experiences, I am actually shocked when a baby is born alive and breathing.   I am still very angry that bitch, Modern Medicine, wouldn’t save my boys.

So I lied to my friend.

But I didn’t do it out of meanness.  I can tell you that those “lies” that people told me made me feel better.  I know that they had no way of knowing what would or wouldn’t happen, if the babies would be okay or not but the words of kindness and hope, those helped me.  My friend knows that I am no doctor, that I would have no idea whether what the doctor saw on the scan was bad or nothing to be concerned about but still, I want to comfort her.  I want to give her hope just like she and so many others gave me months ago.

And guess what?  I will continue to lie to her because hope, well that’s all I have right now.

Going to Australia…

September 24, 2008

Somebody buy my ass a plane ticket to Australia cuz I am going swimming!

Who’s with me?

So I may have mentioned that I get a little freaked out around “people.”  It’s not so much strangers but people who know that I was pregnant and know what happened.  I still have a tiny voice in my head that tells me that someone thinks I did something to cause the death of the boys and that they think it was my fault that the boys died.  It’s not rational but hey, I’m not known for my rationality – just ask my hubby.

I finally agreed to attend the family reunion in October.  I haven’t seen much of my family since the loss of the babies and in fact, I don’t think any of them actually saw me pregnant.  I had planned to visit for Easter but was on bed rest and then Mother’s Day, well, I wasn’t in the mood for company.  Part of me feels like if I go to the reunion, I have to come for Thanksgiving and then there is Christmas.  I feel like if we attend events at my families’ house, we have go to hubby’s families’ house for Christmas and I can’t do it.  His cousin’s baby will be 3 months old, his sister’s baby will be 2 months old…our babies would have been 4 months old.  They had Christmas outfits with reindeer faces on the butt….it’s not fucking fair!  See?  Not the best attitude for Christmas.

But I am going to the reunion because Cousin Jen-Jen will be there and Michelle is flying out.  I am only going because Michelle agreed to come.  Otherwise, I don’t think that Jen-Jen and Hubby are enough of an arsenal to protect me from the stupid things that people will say.  Not so much the family but people who come 5 minutes before dinner is served and leave 10 minutes after.  They don’t help set up and they sure as hell don’t stay for clean up but for some reason they have no problem saying, “Martha, when you and Hubby gonna get knocked up?”  That was last year and I can’t guarantee that they will pull their heads out of their asses or lift their faces from their troughs long enough to remember that my babies died.

And therefore, every time I think about going, I feel like the room is closing in on me….