I’m At A Loss…

June 8, 2009

Ha!  Get it?  “I’m at a loss” and I also suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss…that was funny.  Okay, not really.  Not a whole lot funny about this right now.  Or ever.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I had a little mini-breakdown on Saturday while Hubby was at karate.  I don’t feel like I’m pregnant this month and we all know, I’m pretty good at figuring out when I am pregnant (although, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don’t remember having ANY symptoms with the boys other than PMS cramping and a positive test and in December, I had no symptoms initially until after the test…ummmmm, starting to wonder….).   I know Hubby was so convinced that the Clomid was going to be successful this month and I hate that I am going to have to tell him that it didn’t work this time.  Maybe next month.  That’s that the motto of our house, “maybe next month.”

I’m committed to the next two rounds of Clomid.  After that, honestly, I don’t know.  Maybe Hubby and I need to discuss other options.  What?  I have no idea.  We don’t have any of the money necessary for adoption or egg donation.  I’m don’t want to say it but we may need to accept that our life together will be childless.  It’s painful to say that but I just don’t know what else to do.  I’m not giving up but can’t keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them dashed or worse, get pregnant and have it end.  Plus, I’m starting to question whether I want to pass this along to my children.  Maybe this needs to end with me.  Maybe I am giving up.  I can’t make the decision for both of us but I just wonder, how success can we be if my heart is just not in it anymore?  Maybe the boys were it.  Maybe I’m just tired.  Maybe I need a break.

Maybe I just need a fucking win.

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It turns out that my emotional instability (ha! I made Lindsay Lohan look demure), moodiness, horrible abdominal pain on Sunday and Monday, bloating and cramping, nauseous and diarrhea can all be explained (no, not swine flu or H1R2D2 – whatever they call it now – or bad chili at the cookout Sunday). 

It’s the Clomid.

I have to say, I was a bit relieved to figure this out.  A friend asked me, “perhaps this is a possible side-effect of the drugs?” 

“Noooooooooooo, ” I said, “I’ve already taken the drugs like weeks ago…oh wait…”

Yeah, well, stupid me then looks on the Internet (because that’s were all of us “offspringly challenged” find our medical information) and it turns out, the major side-effects kick in AFTER you ovulate.  Makes sense if you think about the hormones that have gotten all pumped up because of the pills I’ve been popping and then they are let loose on my system with reckless abandon.

Really, though, it’s a relief.  I had this fear that I was falling back into a deeper depression that not even the happy pills could help.  I still have the tummy issue, the bloating and feeling “full” but the actually pain of Sunday and Monday are gone as are the other less pleasant symptoms that I don’t need to discuss in polite company….

I can be crazy without fear, there will be no mental hospital for me!  Yay!

It’s the little victories….

I realize that those of you from other parts of the world may not understand the Southern term, “come to Jesus.” Example of usage – “we need to sit down and have us a little come to Jesus about how much you have been spending on Chai Tea Lattes at Starbucks” (can you tell this just happened with hubby?  Can’t help it – I love me some Chai Tea Lattes from Starbucks, iced please and yes, I know there is caffeine and caffeine is the anti-christ to my little eggs but jeez, give me a break, I’m barely hanging on half the time anyway so if I can’t spend unlimited amounts of money on shoes and makeup just give me my dang Chai Tea Latte twice a week, okay?…wow, okay, I’m done).  Basically it means that we need to have a serious talk about something.

Dr. T emailed me to confirm our appoitnment tomorrow for our “come to Jesus with my biological clock” meeting.  No lie, that’s what the man said.  I about peed my pants.  I guess we are going to be discussing how long is too long to keep pursuing “Operation Kidlet” naturally and when we should get that bitch, Modern Medicine, involved.  Fertility drugs scare me because I could easily end up with twins again.  I already have a 25% greater chance of multiples because of the previous pregnancy (those were sponteanous) and I would get to add another 10% if we go on Clomid.  And as you all know, if it can happen, it will happen to me. 

Now those of you who have never had twins think it’s a groovy idea, two for one right?  I used to think that but since having (and losing) the boys, I am terrified of twins.  Lots of issues and although the boys didn’t die because of being twins and what happened last time is super-highly unlikely to happen again (like 1 in a million, literally), I’m still worried.  And the neo-natalogists in the family (1 nurse, 1 head of department and they are married to each other – lots in brains in one room) are screaming from the roof-tops, “DO NOT TOUCH HER OVARIES!”  Yes, they are freaking out a little because they do not want to have my babies in their NICU (although that is why we go to UNC so if something does happen, they are right there and it’s MY people caring for MY babies).  And I say that twins scare but really, I have mixed feelings.  I would like to have twins again because it was so fun being pregnant with two but then I worry about the complications.  It’s funny because hubby said the same thing last night, he has mixed feelings as well.  In general, we are all just so freaked out because of the loss, the potential for more twins…the whole enchilada……I think this next pregnancy is going to be very stressful on everyone….

But oh so, so wonderful when it happens….