Wanting and Waiting

July 25, 2008

So I here is what I find so fascinating about this whole experience.  I went from doing everything possible NOT to get pregnant for the first 11 years of my sexual life to last night when I was looking up on the Internet any foods that might help me get pregnant, “plans” that people swear by (here is the website http://www.pregnancyloss.info/sperm_meets_egg_plan.htm which interestingly enough is almost exactly what my doctor told us to do minus the Robitussin), and in general, peeing on sticks and making my husband feel like a sex machine or a sperm factory. 

It’s like once I decided I wanted to be a mom, it’s all I could think about.  Then I got pregnant and I was so happy – one of happiest times of my life (second only to my wedding day and it’s a close, close second).  I was planning for two little boys, two little red-haired babies.  And my husband was trolling the Target baby department for sale items and comparing baby monitors and carbon monoxide detectors.  We put in an offer on a house so the babies would come home to their own house, not some place rented. 

And then it was gone.  All gone.

The doctor said, “I’m sorry, I don’t see a heartbeat” and that was it.  I went from being so happy to so absolutely devastated in a matter of 7 seconds.  I remember screaming – I know it was so loud and so pained because the doctor (Dr. Hickman – it was a Saturday morning and she was on call – poor woman) took a step back and then put her arms around me.  She and my husband had to hold me down because I began to hyperventilate.  We went through so much to save just one of the two babies.  I had made my peace with losing Baby A but now, Baby B, I had lost him too.*  And the look of total pain on my husband’s face – well – I can’t even talk about that yet.  He wants to be a dad so badly, it breaks my heart that this happened to us on the first try.

So I can’t help wondering, did I screw up somehow and this was my only shot at being a mom.  I mean, I guess I am still a mom but I only got them for 18 weeks and 22 weeks.  I only held Baby B for 5 minutes.   I never got to hold Baby A – never even saw him – the doctor said he was so small and he had been gone for 4 weeks, he didn’t want me to see him.  I think I am just frustrated because it was so easy for us to get pregnant last time and we didn’t get pregnant in June and now I am afraid we missed the “window of opportunity” here in July.  I can say “well, there is next month” but still…I know we have only been doing this for 2 months now but I am just so tried of being disappointed.  I want to be a mom so bad.

And our due date would have been 2 weeks from today.

* We just recently found out that what happened to cause Baby B to die.  I may write about it and I may not.  If you really want to know, email me.  It’s still very painful to think about.