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October 24, 2008

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The List

September 17, 2008

So KB from http://lrcyoga.wordpress.com/ sent me an idea for something that I should do and when she said it, I was like, “duh!  That’s perfect!”  She suggested that I make a list of 100 reasons why I deserve to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.*  It would focus my energy in a positive manner, help with the “worries” and silence the “fear voice.”  I mentioned it to hubby and we have decided to do it together so these will be answers from both of us.  It will sort of be like my “gratitude chant” (that makes me look like an escaped mental patient in the middle of Target) but instead of muttering to myself, I will be writing little notes….I already got a pad and pen for the cars and my purse….now I just look eccentric and that’s better than crazy, right?

I have decided to dedicate a page to this project and would invite you to read, “Our 100 Reasons” page.  I will update it often.

*I have since changed this to “why we WILL get pregnant and have a healthy baby.”  The phrase “deserve” does imply some kind of blame or fault and KB is right, we didn’t do anything to cause the loss.  It’s a negative word and I am glad she helped me change it to a positive.

My People.

September 15, 2008

If you are my people, please stop by Rebuilding Myself’s blog at http://hisaak.wordpress.com/2008/09/

She is my people in that she lost her twin girls at 19 and 1/2 weeks in November. 

Her new baby, her “Bug,” had no heartbeat at the ultrasound on Friday, please send a thought or a prayer (if you do that) or just a note saying your heart is breaking for her.  I know mine is.

Slave to the OPK

August 14, 2008

It’s that time of the month again.  No, not that time of the month, the OTHER time of the month.  That time when I pee on little sticks to see if my cycle has returned to normal and thereby creating an opportunity for hubby and I to have another baby.  It’s only been 2 months since we started “trying” for another baby (I hate “trying” but I don’t know what else to say – I am open to suggestions) and I didn’t expect it to happen right away.  I know my cycle is screwy and hormone levels are wonky but there is that overwhelming wanting to have a baby.  I was ready to have a baby before when I lost the boys and now, I am ready again.

My mind keeps flash back to when I found out I was pregnant with the boys.  I was so happy.  It was like the flowers were brighter, the sun was warmer and the grass was greener.  Everything was good.  I was so excited and August seemed so far off to get to meet them.  I want that back.  I want to get to finish the journey that I started way back in November.

And then there are the holidays.  I cannot face hubby’s family if I am not pregnant.  I can’t do it.  Christmas at his family’s house will be agony.  His sister is what I call a “serial birther.”  She cannot handle anyone else being pregnant and having any sort of attention so she gets pregnant.  As soon as she found out we were pregnant, she and her husband starting trying for a THIRD.  The day before I had the the surgery and lost Baby A, she said to me, “we have been trying for 2 months now and I just don’t know why I am not pregnant.”  I thought that was a little insensitive since she has two children already and I was getting ready to have a surgery which would end the life of one of my children.  Her third is due in November.  I can’t do Christmas if I am not visibly pregnant and luckily, hubby has said that I don’t have to.

So if I get pregnant this month, I would be due in May.  It seems like an eternity from now.  But I have learned from experience that the whole process goes so fast.  It’s just the process of getting to be pregnant that is killing me (and it’s supposed to be so much fun, right?).  I want this so bad that I am making myself crazy when I really need to remind myself that it will happen when it happens.  It happened before and it will happen again.  If not this month, then next month.  Until then, I am peeing on little sticks and molesting my hubby like crazy…

Hey, this is actually kind of fun….