Expanding Our Options

August 17, 2009

Unbeknownst to me, Hubby read my blog on Friday.  I know that sometimes he reads it just to see what I’m thinking because sometimes, when he asks, I’m not honest (and that’s not because I don’t want to be – I might not want to talk about it RIGHT then).

We had a long, frank discussion about adoption during date night.  He apparently had been thinking about it a lot.  He agrees with me that while we still want to carry a baby, we are ready to have a baby in our life now.  We want two (2)children and this process is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.  I haven’t been pregnant again in three (3) months (if you are new to my blog, read why that’s an issue).  I’m really worried that it’s not going to happen again, that something has occurred to make me not get pregnant anymore.

I’m also really worried about money but the information session we signed up for, seemed to make the financial aspect not as much of an issue.  Of course, I’m immediately skeptical of anything that seems to be good to be true. 

Maybe this will take the sense of urgency away and bring me a sense of peace that I am so badly lacking.  I’m still not willing to give up on carrying a child and I’m having an issue reconciling that.  I read somewhere that once you make the decision to adopt, you need time to grieve that loss of your fertility.  I don’t feel like that applies to me because we will continue to try and carry a child but I am feeling something in making this decision.  I don’t know if it’s sadness because I miss the boys or fear as to what this decision means for our future.  I’m worried that people will look at us differently as parents, family members will judge our child or that, in general, there will some stigma attached to him/her.  People said/say the cruelest things when I lost the babies….I have little faith they wouldn’t continue to suffer from “foot in mouth” syndrome.  But then I think about a friend who is the middle child of three and she’s the only adopted child in the family.  She’s happy, healthy and seemingly well adjusted.  Is she the norm or were her parents just extraordinary?  What if I’m not an extraordinary parent?

I’m also anxious about that first discussion with the adoption counselor.  How do I convey to someone that my children died but I’m not here to replace them?  Do I want to talk about the boys in our letter to the birthmother?  What do I say without sounding like I am playing the sympathy card?  Also, we would have to put the nursery back together and that makes me so anxious.  Hubby set up the nursery in our old house as a surprise for me – to help me feel better after losing Baby A and to have something to look at when I was home on bedrest.  The nursery was then dismantled because we were buying our house when Baby B died and never put back together because he never got to live in the new house.  All of the baby stuff is stacked in boxes and baskets in the “Nursery” with the door shut.  I haven’t been in there since we moved in 18 months ago.

Maybe I am just “borrowing trouble” – looking for things to worry about.  I just didn’t think this is where I would be in my life.  Never in a million years did I think I would be the lostbabymama to two little boys, pondering adoption.


August 14, 2009

It is a funny thing, isn’t it?  I feel like all of you understood what I was trying to convey yesterday – I really appreciate that.  I want to be positive, I want to look forward to a future where I am pregnant for longer than a minute and it results in a live birth.  I want that, I really, really do.  However, my frustration is two-fold, I think. 

First, I have issues with this idea that with a positive outlook and a smile, I can somehow influence what will happen in this world.  If that were the case, I would have two living, breathing, healthy one year old boys and I don’t.  I begged, I pleaded, I made deals with the universe and the universe didn’t care – the boys died.  I had an army of people praying, being positive, hoping that my boys would be okay and it didn’t work.  I also understand that the therapist is not blaming me for not being pregnant because I don’t have a happy outlook on the whole situation.  I don’t feel like there is any judgment.  Any guilt or anger that I feel is self-made.  My friend F and I have talked about the idea that my grief could be acting as a barrier to getting pregnant again and I agree that it’s not healthy.

Second and I think, more prominent in my emotional psyche is the fact that I start to cry whenever anyone talks about Hubby and I having more children.   I think that the therapist is thinking that the only way to work through the grief is to hope for the one thing that is causing the grief – a baby.  Except that won’t work.  My grief is caused by the death of my boys.  I’m want a baby with my husband but that’s not the reason why I cry in the shower.  I cry because I want my boys and there is nothing anyone can do about that.  I’m have that moment every two year old has when she’s given a beautiful ice cream cone with two scoops and she drops it.  Even if you replace the cone, I’m still crying over the one I lost.  I want my boys.  It’s not rational and I don’t know what to do about that.  Maybe the therapist does.

And maybe this why when I look at adoption websites, I can’t take the next step.  Or maybe I’m not willing to give up on my fertility.  There is an information session in Raleigh on September 12th for an adoption organization that would work with us in terms of money.  I’ve thought about going but I haven’t talked to Hubby.  I can’t even think about pursuing that path without talking to him extensively.  I’m afraid it would look like I’m giving up.  I’m not.  I don’t want to give up.  I want to be pregnant again and have a baby with Hubby.  I don’t want my only memories of being pregnant and giving birth to be what they are now.  But practical me also knows that this is taking a long time and Hubby and I want 2 children.  I’m not getting any younger and those screwy eggs of mine, they aren’t getting any fresher. 

But that makes it sound like I want just any baby and I will feel better if I just get A BABY and all will be right with the world.  I know that’s not the case because when I look at the websites, I think about the boys AND they are what I want. 

I can’t move forward and I can’t get back what I’ve lost and I don’t know what to do.

I’m Trying….

August 13, 2009

to be hopeful.  I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am.  I promise, I am.  It’s so hard because you aren’t in my head.  You don’t hear the things that I hear – “I’m broken, I’m defective, I can’t make a single good egg that won’t result in a dead baby, I had my babies and now that’s it, I don’t get anymore, my body betrayed me and the boys died” – you don’t hear that.  I do.  Daily.  Almost hourly, if we are being honest.

The therapist wants me to be able to visualize having a family in a positive manner.  We had the whole discussion again about being positive and if I think I won’t get pregnant, then it will be become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I won’t get pregnant.  I’m not not having a baby because I’m emotional stunted.  I’m not have a baby because I have a genetic condition in which 2/3 of my pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I’ve been trying for the last 3 months to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with the boys.  We were finally free of money troubles, living in a nice place, I had lost 15 pounds….I’ve been working to get back to that but I’m starting to get frustrated because I feel like my attitude isn’t going to change the genetics.  That’s where my hopelessness stims from.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know what is going to make me see that light.  I’m willing to try but…

And it doesn’t help that I am already grumpy from fucking fertility meds that I was so HOPEFUL would produce extra eggs with the correct genetic material.

I Laughed.

January 21, 2009

I truly laughed for the first time yesterday.  I have been feeling a lot better, not so sad all the time.  I have good days and bad days but it seems like the good have really outweighed the bad.  After the first of the year, I had this sort of peace come over me.  I can’t explain it.  It was a hopefulness and relaxation that I just seemed to be able to settle into.

Yesterday, Hubby and I got a snow day.  Here in NC, it’s very unusual to get significant amounts of snow.  We got 6 inches.  There was no going to work for me and therefore, Hubby had to entertain me.  I made french toast for breakfast, we watched the inauguration, had some soup and then went to the park to let the dogs run in the snow.  Those of you who know me know that I am from San Diego.  That means snow is something in a cone, ice belongs in a glass with Bourbon and a cherry.  I love it, I just don’t get it.

So Hubby and I had ourselves a “snow-down.”  I threw snowballs at him, he threw me down in the snow and tried to bury me.  It was fun.

And I laughed without thinking about anything.  I just laughed.

So last night, Hubby admitted that he thinks we made a mistake in trying again this month so soon after the miscarriage.  He is frustrated and stressed and it’s making him angry all the time.  He then thinks that I am going to blame him if we don’t get pregnant this month or think that a month off is wasted time.  Then he gets angry when I tell him that the only person I blame is me – it’s my genetic issue that is the cause of all of our problems.  He is trying so hard to take care of me that I think he has forgotten how to take care of himself.  He also thinks that all our future happiness depends on having a baby – that I can’t be happy ever again unless we have a child.  He is wrong.  I’m to the point now where my happiness is a day by day thing – my whole existence is not clouded by the death of the twins like it was 6 months ago.  I cried over the miscarriage but was also relieved to have been pregnant again.  I’m happiest when he and I spend time together, when we go to the zoo, to the movies, to the park.  When we read together or nap.  I am happy then.  I can’t really think in terms of a “global” happiness.  Maybe that’s depression talking.  I don’t know.  I know haven’t been the most emotional stable individual the past couple of months but have felt like I was moving forward – getting better.  I have good days and bad days but the good ones are starting to out number the bad.

And maybe it’s hubby’s turn to meltdown and I need to be the cheerleader like he has been for me the last couple of months.  I’m fine to do that but I just don’t want him to give up on having a baby.

The thing is, I am hopeful that we will get pregnant (and stay that way) this year.  I really am.  I have my bad days where I cry because I miss the boys or because I am thinking about what might have been but I started this year hopeful.  Something that I need hubby to understand – and I don’t think he does – as much as this year has sucked big time, it’s only been a year.  We have had 3 pregnancies in a year.  Eventually the law of averages will work in our favor – it did once with the boys – they didn’t have the translocated chromosome and it will happen again.  See?  That’s hope.

We decided last night that we are going to take next month off and relax and then start again new, with a fresh prespective.  We are also going to get a referral for counseling along with the referral for the RE.

Weight of My World

December 29, 2008

I am sure, if you are my people, you understand what I am about to write.  There is a part of every one of us that feels guilty about our infertility, miscarriage or stillbirth.  You can tell me that it’s not my fault but until the day that I die, I will feel bad about everything that has happened this year.  I will blame myself for the loss of the boys, the subsquent miscarriages (yes, there  has been more than one, it was the weekend before Christmas and my holiday was ruined, why ruin yours too?).  Every time something bad happens, I think to myself, “I promise, next time I will do better.”  I don’t know if it’s simply because we are women and that’s how we are hardwired or if it’s because we are the ones in the equation that are responsible for carrying the baby.  Or in  my own personal situation, is it  my genetic issue that will continue to cause me to miscarry until one of the embryos doesn’t have the genetic issue or has it in the right “combination” that will allow it to survive (like the boys had but of course, as a bonus, they didn’t live for other reasons)?  Or maybe I am just not used to failure.  I am here to tell you, it’s exhausting to feel so guilty all the time.  

And I am not alone, I know that there are other women out there that feel a ton of pressure to do everything “right” and guilt when something goes wrong.  They have to take drugs, time sex perfectly, then race to the clinic for blood draws or insemination and then in the end, if something doesn’t work, they take it upon themselves that they failed somehow.  They search for an answer when they have a loss.  I admit it, I thought I caused the death of Baby B by not resting enough.  We went looking at a house when I was on bed rest, did that cause his death?  Of course not and I have a report to prove it.  But I thought it.  Every time I got a negative pregnancy test, I would say to hubby, “what did we do wrong?”  And he would have to remind me that we didn’t do anything “wrong,” it just didn’t take this time or a loss at 6 weeks is almost always indicative of a genetic issue.  That has to be exhausting for him too, constantly reassuring me that it’s not my fault.

I can’t do it anymore.  I can’t feel guilty for something that may be my “issue” but I have no control over.

I will have a living, breathing, healthy baby eventually, I am not giving up and I am not going to feel guilty after every single negative test or loss.

Anybody got any ideas on how I can accomplish this?

Hubby Lovey

December 18, 2008

Really, I know that I have said this before but I do have the best husband.  Y’all don’t know what a good husband he is….

Last night we were out at dinner, finishing up some Christmas shopping and he says, “so you are going to have a good Christmas…”  And I said, “well, thanks…did I get everything on my list?”  Hubby says, “no, I am not buying you an immersion blender to make dinner for me as a Christmas gift.  If you want one, we will get you one but that’s a waste of a gift-giving opportunity…an appliance for Christmas, no way!”

See, he’s awesome….I think I got some jewelry…GIGGLE!!!