October 28, 2009

That’s how I feel.  I feel squashed.  Hopes, dreams, desires, everything just feels squashed.  I can’t even breathe right now, I’m just so defeated and deflated.  I continue to try and find options for financing for adoption and I think that I’m out of options.  A personal loan is the only thing I can think of that I haven’t tried and no one is giving personal loans.  Hell, Hubby couldn’t even get student loans this year without his mother cosigning for him and they used to hand that money out like it was prostitute advertisements on the Vegas Strip.  My last ditch effort was trying to take a loan against my life insurance policy and I was denied (haven’t had the policy long enough).

I haven’t felt this bad in a while.  When the world around you seems to be moving forward and you feel stuck, it’s hard not to feel bad.  I hate feeling sorry for myself, I hate it.  I’m trying to be proactive and do something to ensure that the boys will have brothers and sisters.  I’m trying but I can’t do anything right.  I can’t make money grow on trees or my fucked up genes split properly and aligned with each other so as to produce a beautiful sibling for A and B. 

Compounding this is that I want to be happy for all of my pregnant friends but the ones that haven’t had losses, it’s hard to get excited for them.  I know that sounds screwed up.  I totally understand that some of you might read that and think, “what a bitch.”  Those women get to be part of a club that I will never belong to…”the blissfully ignorant shiny new baby mommy club.”  Not me, I will never get that again.  Fine, I’m a bitch.   And that’s totally not fair to those women because I would hate for anyone to feel as bad as I do right now.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone – not my worst enemy…so I’m considerate and sweet and post congratulations and send cards and gifts when all I really want to do it scream, “I’M SO PISSED OFF AT THE UNIVERSE RIGHT NOW I CAN’T STAND IT!!!!”

I think to myself, “I really want to be pregnant again and you know, this will be THE month it happens” and I smile like a jackass.  And then negative me counters with, “get pregnant all you want, honey, you will never make it to 40 weeks – hell, you won’t make it past 8 weeks.”  And there are lots of tears alone in the car.  What do I do with negative me?  She’s right, that’s the thing, she’s right.  All I know is that I fear getting pregnant but I want to be pregnant more than anything but one thing – I just want my boys back.


4 Responses to “Squashed…”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Oh, I can tell how bad you’re feeling. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to tell you other than I recognize and appreciate those feelings. You are NOT alone and you are also not a bad person for being pissed off at the universe. You’ve been dealt a nasty hand and it’s okay to not be happy about it. I understand your feelings about other pregnant people so well. It’s a constant struggle for me. Recently I’ve decided to stop sending the cards and gifts when I feel like I have an out. It’s just too much for me.

  2. athena Says:

    i know exactly what it feels like to be in this club. it totally sucks and it’s totally unfair.

  3. mssc54 Says:

    I’m “just a guy” so most women would just write me off as I could never understand. I suppose there is merrit to that thought process. However, I am a bit different than most guys. I truly value giving my time to children. So much so that at the tender age of 55/52 (respectively) my wife and I are in the final stages of adopting a 5 & 7 year old brother and sister. Social Services placed them with us in May of ’06. It’s a long story and the emotions have been very high and extremely low.

    I completely understand how difficult the adoption process can be and how expensive it can be. Have you ever considered adopting from Child Protective Services? That’s what we are doing. We did hire our own attorney which was the most expensive part. However, the State is giving us a monthly stipend (per child) until age 18, they keep their MEDICADE until age 18, they get State College paid for AND the State is paying our attorney $1,500.00 per child for the adoption.

    With the economy being the way it is these days I have jokingly said to my wife that with the deal we are getting with our new kids perhaps we should consider adopting a few more.

    Incidentally, we have 29, 25 & 20 year old biological daughters. Oldest married with a 4 year old son and due with another in Feb. The middle was widowed when her husband of two years was killed by a Taliban sniper and their baby was 3 months old. Youngest is dating seriously her second guy.

    God is good if we can keep our focus on Him instead of our circumstances.

  4. Malou's Mama Says:

    I thought about suggesting foster care adoption as well, but then I figured you had probably already thought of it. And the uncertainty would be unbearable. Losing 2 children is too much, so knowing you may not get to adopt a child you are caring for might be too difficult. I’d certainly understand that.
    I just wish there was something I could do for you. Maybe you could start an adoption fund? See how many donations you could get? Or a personal loan from a family or friend? (When I win the lottery, I am giving some of it to you.)
    Oh, sweetie, all I can offer you are suggestions and that’s probably annoying to hear. It’s just that I want to help so much. I am so sorry you are squashed right now. I’m just so sorry. Thinking of you and your hubby and your sweet baby boys and holding you close in my heart tonight.

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