Spiraling…

October 26, 2009

Yup, that’s me.  I’m spiraling into sadness once again.   This is just another month where I’m plotting and planning when Hubby and I are supposed to do ‘it.”  Yet again, I think “I shouldn’t have to be worrying about this….I should have two little boys to fuss over for Halloween.”

But I don’t.

The unconfirmed loss of last month has left me reeling…again….but why?  Why shouldn’t I be used to these losses?  Realistically, this is going to be our life – our reality –  until we conceive and carrying again past 23 weeks, why am I not used to that fact yet?  These feelings of grief and loss are exacerbated by the fact that I found out we can’t refinance our home to pay for adoption costs.  Apparently home prices have dropped in the area and we don’t have enough equity to take out a loan to cover the costs of adoption.  What a surprise that something didn’t work out for us….I’m shocked (that’s sarcasm in case you are new to my blog – nothing goes the way it’s supposed to for me – the universe hates me). 

Oh and there may be a third thing contributing to my downward spiral….On Friday, I tried to have a conversation with my mother about adoption and for some fucked up reason, she asked me if I was pregnant.  Sidebar: she makes it sound like an accusation when she asks….”Are you preg-a-nant?”  She sounds out the syllables just like that.  It makes me feel like she’s disapproving of me….this is the woman who said, “I don’t know how I feel about that…” when she bullied me into telling her I was pregnant with the boys.  Anywho, why the fuck would I be talking to her about adoption if I was pregnant and then I remembered, I had been pregnant up until Monday.  Just a little bit anyway so prehaps it was a valid question.  Still, she switched the subject after I said no and wanted to discuss her dog.  I try to have a relationship with her but really, I’m just being polite now…I really feel like she doesn’t want to hear anything of substance.  It’s strange, I used to tell her everything…

I want so badly to be pregnant again.  I have a myriad of friends who are pregnant – some getting ready to deliver any day now.  I feel so angry and hurt and left out and why?  This shouldn’t be new to me…this is where I’ve been since April 8th, 2008.  I should be used to standing in the shadows, used to the fact that I envy people who are pregnant, I should be used to disappointment.

I feel like such a disappointment.

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is over.  Yup.  Yesterday morning.  I was sort of surprised but not really.  The nausea went away on Saturday and my breasts stopped hurting Sunday morning .  I had one of those moments (I call them “Sidney moments” after our puppy who, upon learning something or seeing something fascinating, cocks his head to the side and perks his ears up…sort of like, “huh.  Oh.  Okay.”).  It was a Sidney moment because I sat in bed Sunday and thought, “Hubby was right, we were pregnant.”  As a result of the BT, I’m guessing the embryo grabbed on (I did have implantation spotting which is why the negative test was so confusing) and then just didn’t have the genetic material necessary to keep growing and therefore, didn’t produce enough HCG to show up on a test.  Classic BT.  Despite what the movies tell you, it is possible to be slightly pregnant.  This is my 4th or 5th time proving that fact…I’ve lost count.  How much does that suck?

But, glass half full me is also happy that I clearly ovulated and got pregnant again.  I was worried since I hadn’t been pregnant since February – the Clomid experiment produced nothing and a 42 day cycle is not normal for me.  Only time I’ve had a cycle that long was when I was pregnant.  Hubby said the same thing, he was ready to call in the RE out of fear that something as wrong.  Good to know we already know what was wrong, it’s “just” the BT. 

Also, anyone else starting to notice a pattern here?  I seem to get pregnant in the Fall.  The boys were conceived in November, 2007.  I had two confirmed pregnancies in November and December 2008 and now this one.  Maybe I’m more like a bear than a panda.  I want to eat, get fat, get pregnant and hibernate until the cub comes.  I really, really want that….Prehaps it’s my love of Halloween…I get happy with the approach of my favorite holiday and I’m sure my mood has something to do with my ability to conceive…

Whatever.  There is always next month, right?  That seems to be the story of my life…next month, and then the next month, and then the next.

I love this time of year – the beginning of September which leads to Fall and October and Halloween – which is my absolute favorite holiday.  August is over and that’s a relief and it’s too early to worry about Thanksgiving and Christmas and the inevitable depression that will come from missing the boys.  September on the beaches in North Carolina is ridiculously lovely and Hubby and I usually take advantage of the lack of tourists to head out there at least a couple of times before the warm weather is gone.  Here at home, the leaves change to amazing jewel tones that this California girl didn’t think occurred in nature.  I marvel at the fireworks show that the trees put on.  October brings Mullet Festival (the fish, not the hair) and the informal family reunion.  In years passed, I have dreaded going but this year, I’m looking forward to it.  My best friend, M, will be coming for the State Fair in mid-October and I can’t wait.  And then Halloween…my favorite…I’ve already planned costumes for us and priced new yard decorations.  The mums are in bloom already and I need to put some in the yard…Fall and mums to me is like milk and cookies.

But my heart is heavy.  I thought I would be pregnant again.  All the way pregnant – not just the slightly pregnant that my body seems to be fond of but really, truly and totally pregnant.  But not yet, not that I know of anyway….

My birthday was yesterday and I haven’t cried that much on my birthday in I don’t know how long.  I cried for the boys, I cried because of an insensitive comment said to Hubby in my presence that morning (“So Hubby, got anymore offspring?”), I cried for Craig and Mirne and baby Jet, I cried for the baby that would have been had I not miscarried in December.

In the midst of all my tears, I laughed a lot too.  I was reminded how loved I am.  I was reminded that in the midst of all the pain that I feel, people care for me, people think of me, people root for me.  I had over 60 messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday, numerous cards came in the mail, and I got a ton of phone calls throughout the day.  For someone feeling all alone with her grief, that’s powerfully healing. 

I think the hardest I laughed yesterday was when I got my gift from Hubby.  Hubby saw my post about wanting to learn the violin or mandolin so he found me a beautiful violin for my birthday and a woman to give me lessons at lunch.  He said that he thought I needed “a little more music in my life.”  He’s right.  I know I don’t deserve him.  He’s amazingly kind, thoughtful and caring.  I’ve never met a man like him. 

Over dinner, I said to him, “I can play the violin for our baby when he won’t stop crying.  You know?  Play him to sleep.”  That’s the first time I let myself hope for a future baby in a long time.  I surprised myself when I said it.  It’s been months since I thought of OUR baby actually happening again.

So, next birthday, I will be playing a concert (using the loose definition of “concert”) at my house.

Hopefully, our baby will be there.

Long Distance Hugs….

June 30, 2009

Please head over to “Our Own Creation” and offer some hugs…their little bean had no heartbeat at the sonogram yesterday.

http://ourowncreation.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/the-morning-after/#comment-5031

Tell me again that life is fair….

I’m At A Loss…

June 8, 2009

Ha!  Get it?  “I’m at a loss” and I also suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss…that was funny.  Okay, not really.  Not a whole lot funny about this right now.  Or ever.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I had a little mini-breakdown on Saturday while Hubby was at karate.  I don’t feel like I’m pregnant this month and we all know, I’m pretty good at figuring out when I am pregnant (although, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don’t remember having ANY symptoms with the boys other than PMS cramping and a positive test and in December, I had no symptoms initially until after the test…ummmmm, starting to wonder….).   I know Hubby was so convinced that the Clomid was going to be successful this month and I hate that I am going to have to tell him that it didn’t work this time.  Maybe next month.  That’s that the motto of our house, “maybe next month.”

I’m committed to the next two rounds of Clomid.  After that, honestly, I don’t know.  Maybe Hubby and I need to discuss other options.  What?  I have no idea.  We don’t have any of the money necessary for adoption or egg donation.  I’m don’t want to say it but we may need to accept that our life together will be childless.  It’s painful to say that but I just don’t know what else to do.  I’m not giving up but can’t keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them dashed or worse, get pregnant and have it end.  Plus, I’m starting to question whether I want to pass this along to my children.  Maybe this needs to end with me.  Maybe I am giving up.  I can’t make the decision for both of us but I just wonder, how success can we be if my heart is just not in it anymore?  Maybe the boys were it.  Maybe I’m just tired.  Maybe I need a break.

Maybe I just need a fucking win.

I’m A Druggie.

May 4, 2009

Hubby and I just got back from the RE.  Dr. S prescribed us 3 months of Clomid.  We presented our case with controlled fervor and vehemence including supporting evidence but without getting overly emotionally ($100k worth of law school finally paid off in my closing argument to my RE…who would have thought?).  She needed a minute to wrap her head around the idea since this is not the approved treatment for a balanced translocation.  She wanted to make sure that we understood the increased risk for multiples (which is way low with Clomid but increased for me because of my previous history of splitting eggs) but in the end, she saw no reason not to try it for 3 months.  The big selling point for her was that we were open to starting with Clomid rather than an injectible.  The injectible drugs hyperstimulate a large number follicles which is why you get 6-7 follicles dropping.  Clomid is more likely to stimulate 2 or 3 at the maximum.  Less chances for a litter. 

I did promise her that if we were successful with twins, that was it.  I was done.  I would never set foot in that office again. 

See, I’m not greedy, I just want a baby.

Being Honest

April 28, 2009

I answered a question in therapy last night honestly and opened up Pandora’s box.

The Dr. J said to me, “you know that you will have another baby, right?’

I didn’t answer her, so she asked me again and I told her, “Today?  No, today I don’t think that it will ever happen.”

Well that touched off a firestorm of Hubby and Dr. J telling me about self-fulfilling prophecies and the power of positive thinking and Hubby was angry with me because he thinks that if I’m not positive, we won’t stay pregnant.

I told him that when I do get pregnant, every minute of every day I think to myself, “please stay with me, please stick, please, please don’t go…”  I think, “this is the one, this is going to be the baby that stays with me…” And it doesn’t happen.  But I try not to get discourage – we try again with the ovulation tests and the timed sex.  That’s positive, right?

But some days…oh, some days I just can’t do it.  I can’t be positive.  I was positive that the boys were going to be fine.  I was cheerful and upbeat all the while my little boy was dying.  When I lost Baby A, I remained upbeat despite the pain of losing one of my babies, the agony of only knowing him for 18 weeks.  Like a lamb to the slaughter, I walked into UNC thinking that I was over-reacting and that I would be going to lunch with Hubby in an hour – him teasing me about being a hypochondriac.  And then Baby B was dead.  Don’t tell me about being positive all the time because some days, getting out of bed is the best I can do.  Positive got me nowhere with the boys.  I was positive that the universe wouldn’t take my boys from me and guess what?  They died.

I guess I am a little angry about this situation.  I feel like I have let Hubby down by admitting this to him and I hate disappointing him.  But that’s a lot of pressure to put on me, requiring me to be positive all the time, telling me that if I think for one minute that I won’t have a living baby that I’m causing it not to happen.  I have a genetic disorder, that’s what is causing the miscarriages and I’ve finally come to terms with what that means.

And about being positive…Every morning in the shower, I say an affirmation.  I say: “We will have a living baby.”  Somedays I cry because I want my boys and some days I think about babies-to-be…

That’s the best I can do right now.  That’s all I can do right now.  That’s going to have to be enough right now.