Thompson Twins anyone?  Did I just show my age there?

Hubby and I went to the therapist on Friday.  She was nice.  I don’t think she’s the person for us for a couple of reasons.  One, she’s not on our insurance plan like her website said she was.  We had to write a check for her services at the end, which is fine but I don’t want to spend $75 every 2 weeks when Hubby gets 30 mental health visits for a mere $25 co-pay.  Second, she wanted to focus a lot of the time on my relationship with me mother.  I agree, it sucks and needs work.  However, I am more concerned with my relationship with Hubby and our future attempts (and certain failures) with concieving a child.  I repeatedly told her this and while the session started out with her wanting to discuss the losses and what they were doing to our relationship, she moved quickly into my relationship with my mother, effectively leaving Hubby out of the session.

I did take away something that, while I think I already knew it, it helped to hear.  She said that it’s normal, at this stage, to still want to give into the grief even if it’s just for a small time everyday.  What’s not normal is to sink so low into the grief that you can’t face anything else.  Everyone loses something, everyone experiences a grief, but it’s how and if you try and work to recover from that grief that sets people apart.  One of the biggest concerns that Hubby had was that I was never going to recover from the loss of the boys.  The therapist said that while we would never be the same, we would move forward – that we were moving forward – otherwise, we wouldn’t be seeking counseling, going to work, going swimming, going to yoga, etc.  Makes sense.

I felt much better after the session.  I slept a lot this weekend, probably making up for all the bad nights of sleep that I have had in the past couple of months.  I think therapy is going to be good for us because it’s a place where it’s acceptable to cry – even encouraged.  That’s something that I feel I don’t have right now – someplace to cry.

On another note,  I am finally getting Lasik eye surgery next week.  I was scheduled to have it last year (2007) , right after Thanksgiving but found out the day before the procedure that we were pregnant.  Then, I was scheduled to have it done right before Christmas (2008 ) this year and bam!  Found out we were pregnant again.  This time it’s scheduled during the two week wait.  I might be pregnant, I might not be but there is no way to know and hence, eye surgery!

So all in all, things are good.  I’m hopeful and feeling positive.


January 6, 2009

So I finally reached out to a therapist this week.  About a month and a half ago, I did a little research and found a woman that deals with loss and grief and fertility.  Perfect right?  I finally emailed her yesterday and her response was that didn’t schedule appointments after 5pm or on Saturdays.  I guess she will only see you if you have loss and grief and fertility issues from 9-5pm and Monday through Friday.  She referred me to two other people in her practice, neither of whom are remotely qualified to handle anything that I am dealing with.  Lest you think I am full of myself, let me tell you, I don’t think that I am some special case that needs to be handled with the biggest brain or the most education however, they were both really wrong choices for me.  One had extensive experience with child behavior issues and that other was a sexual abuse counselor.  My babies died and I can’t seem to stay pregnant and I’m feeling a little nuts about that.  I’m not a doctor but I just don’t see the connection.

I hate this.  It took me 3 weeks to work myself up to actually contacting her and now she’s brushed me off.  I guess I expected her to be more compassionate than that.  And yes, I understand it was an email and she could be the nicest person on the planet but the tone of her email was very abrupt.  And things that I used to say, “oh well” to now make me sad and angry much faster than they did before I lost the boys.  It something I need to deal with – maybe with the help of a therapist (ha! I do have a sense of humor left).

But I am determined not to “play the victim” anymore (see that, Jaded, moving forward in 2009, right?).  Onward to find a new therapist who will see me outside of a 9-5pm setting.