I Laughed.

January 21, 2009

I truly laughed for the first time yesterday.  I have been feeling a lot better, not so sad all the time.  I have good days and bad days but it seems like the good have really outweighed the bad.  After the first of the year, I had this sort of peace come over me.  I can’t explain it.  It was a hopefulness and relaxation that I just seemed to be able to settle into.

Yesterday, Hubby and I got a snow day.  Here in NC, it’s very unusual to get significant amounts of snow.  We got 6 inches.  There was no going to work for me and therefore, Hubby had to entertain me.  I made french toast for breakfast, we watched the inauguration, had some soup and then went to the park to let the dogs run in the snow.  Those of you who know me know that I am from San Diego.  That means snow is something in a cone, ice belongs in a glass with Bourbon and a cherry.  I love it, I just don’t get it.

So Hubby and I had ourselves a “snow-down.”  I threw snowballs at him, he threw me down in the snow and tried to bury me.  It was fun.

And I laughed without thinking about anything.  I just laughed.

Being Positive

October 22, 2008

So Hubby says to me this morning, “how do you feel?  Do you think we made a baby?”  I said, “I don’t know, I feel positive, I feel good but I just don’t know.”

You see, as much as I write about me here, I do have a wonderful husband who wants a child as much (sometimes I think more but only because he doesn’t have to experience childbirth) as I do.  He suffered with the loss of our children as much as I did, just in a different way.  All of my dreams and hopes for our boys, well, he had them too.  He used to tell me about how he would imagine them in the backyard, the three of them digging for worms or looking for frogs and turtles, that he wanted a pond at the house we just bought so that he could teach them about fish and frogs and turtles, that they would love animals as much as we do.  I know that the day we lost Baby B was the worst day of his life.

In my effort to try and evolve from this grief, I am trying to be more positive.  I am trying to smile more, think good thoughts, be hopeful.  Not think about the fact that if he had married someone else, he probably wouldn’t here, in this moment, with 2 died babies and a wife who desperately wants to get pregnant and that as much as I love him – make no mistake, he is my heart – if given the chance, I would turn back time and refuse to marry him so he would find someone else and be spared this grief.  I’m crazy aren’t I?

Instead I will focus on the fact that without this loving, caring man, I wouldn’t have survived this loss.  I wouldn’t be here right now.  I would have curled up and died.  Without my husband, my perfect karate-doing, animal-loving, sweetheart of a husband, I would have given up.  I am thankful for him and grateful for all that he has given me.

I will be positive that the love I have for him will translate into a baby for us.

The List

September 17, 2008

So KB from http://lrcyoga.wordpress.com/ sent me an idea for something that I should do and when she said it, I was like, “duh!  That’s perfect!”  She suggested that I make a list of 100 reasons why I deserve to get pregnant and have a healthy baby.*  It would focus my energy in a positive manner, help with the “worries” and silence the “fear voice.”  I mentioned it to hubby and we have decided to do it together so these will be answers from both of us.  It will sort of be like my “gratitude chant” (that makes me look like an escaped mental patient in the middle of Target) but instead of muttering to myself, I will be writing little notes….I already got a pad and pen for the cars and my purse….now I just look eccentric and that’s better than crazy, right?

I have decided to dedicate a page to this project and would invite you to read, “Our 100 Reasons” page.  I will update it often.

*I have since changed this to “why we WILL get pregnant and have a healthy baby.”  The phrase “deserve” does imply some kind of blame or fault and KB is right, we didn’t do anything to cause the loss.  It’s a negative word and I am glad she helped me change it to a positive.

Restless Hubby Syndrome

September 17, 2008

Hubby is normally restless.  He just has a restless spirit.  As an example, we have moved a lot in our 5 years together – something like 7 times.  His mother says it’s because he was born in the year of the Horse.  Since buying the house, we can’t move so I think he has transferred his restlessness to other things.  Or my other theory is that he is just now dealing with the loss of the babies and I will tell you why I think that in a minute.

Hubby is an avid martial artist.  Karate and weapons work.  We make karate gis and he makes weapons as well (not guns and such, wooden weapons).  Right now, for some reason, he is not happy with his current dojo.  He says that he is lacking something there.  He thinks it’s the studio itself, not enough discipline or structure.  He has been on a leave of absence for nearly a month and has been trying different studios because of this.

I think he is looking for some way to quiet his mind.  The place he is looking for will challenge him physically but will also have some mediation and yoga.  He can’t seem to settle, it’s like he’s had too much caffeine and he has the jitters.  I, however, think it’s a manifestation of grief.

Hubby didn’t have the opportunity to grieve the way that I did.  He felt like he needed to keep it together for me and everyone around us.  He had just started grad school when we lost the second baby, he was working, he was taking care of me.  I just don’t think he has ever really grieved and now he is going through the “lack of focus” phase that I went through about a month ago.

I know that Dads grieve for the lost of children differently and I have been conscious of that and tried to make sure that I give him space but also opportunity to talk but I really think this is a symptom of his grief.

Thoughts?  How did/does your husband grieve?