I Am Not Going to Break

September 16, 2008

Okay, maybe I will but it won’t be in front of my mother in law.

I love my mother in law a lot.  I do, I adore her.  I hit the “mother in law jackpot” when I married my husband.  For that matter, I love my sisters in law, all three of them.  Hit the jackpot there too. 

However, if you have been in my situation (and I know a lot of you reading this are), you understand the title of this post.  It’s the elephant in the room, right?  (see the post by Life After Levi, called “My Elephant” http://mylifeafterlevi.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-elephant.html).  If you haven’t been in my situation, let me enlighten you.  I now know what it’s like to be a Panda at the zoo, behind glass, being stared at.

My mother in law came in on Wednesday.  Apparently Hubby had a talk with her and her best friend (who I love too) about watching what they said to me.  If they wanted to talk about the babies, they could but know that I would cry, it would suck and I am still sad.  Hubby puts on a brave face like he isn’t going to cry but of course, was sobbing while he is telling me that he told her this.  I hadn’t seen her since I lost Baby B.  I didn’t want people to come to NC and “be” with me after I lost the boys.  I just wanted to be alone with my husband so if I wanted to curl up on the kitchen floor and scream and cry, I could (oh and I have done that – I recommend the kitchen floor, it’s cool and if you cry so hard, you puke, it’s easy clean up).  I just wanted to be free to be a mess.  I am not good at being a mess in front of people, even if that is my family.  Hubby, Michelle, Kelly, Gretchen, Robin, just a few people….

Well, it took them both until about Friday morning to stop staring at me.  It’s like they were looking to see if I had changed.  I’m pretty well cleaned up now – right after, I was ugly and a mess but now, I have new hair, eyelashes are back, no more dark circles under my eyes, skin is not pale and yellowish…I still have 10 pounds to lose but I don’t look like a woman who is completely devastated.

We never did talk about it.  I don’t know Hubby’s talk scared them off or what but I kind of wish we would have.  It’s easier for me to talk about it then be stared at.  It makes me less anxious to talk about it. 

Regardless, I had a really nice time, was distracted for a couple of days – heck, I even laughed!

I didn’t crack and I certainly didn’t break.  That’s progress, right?

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Line in the Sand

September 15, 2008

So have I have been out of the loop a bit.  My mother in law was here for the last 5 days and we were showing her the sights (such as they are here in Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill) and I have not had an opportunity to update you all on my visit with Dr. T.  I know, you have been waiting with baited-breath, not leaving your computers for anything, not even to eat, peeing into old juice bottles like a 14 year old on the 9th level of “Doom” (do they play “Doom” still?)…just kidding, I’m not that narcissistic….

Here’s the scoop.  Dr. T feels like (and unfortunately, has the evidence to back this up) that we already passed the first test.  We got pregnant quickly (first month trying) and without drugs (just a few beers) or any other assistance (unless you count the black nightie from Vickie’s).  He did want to test my Prolactin levels and my thyroid because apparently if they are out of whack (medical term), it can prevent conception plus it’s a cheap and easy thing to do and if it is wonky (another medical term), it’s quickly taken care of with a shot.

Dr. T was very understanding, he gets why we are anxious and want to move things a long so he asked us what our “line in the sand” was.  When are we no longer interested in pursuing Operation Kidlet naturally?  I wanted to say, “now” but realized that was an unreasonable stance to take since really, it’s only been 2 months of trying.  I can’t count June because the whole “how-do-you-read-an-OPK” disaster made us miss the prime “smiley face” time.  I said, “the end of the year.  I want to be pregnant by December 31st.”

Dr. T’s answer?  “Sounds reasonable and I think you will see that you will be pregnant sooner than that.”

I think the pep-talk from Dr. T was really all I needed.  I don’t feel as anxious or stressed or panicked like I have.  Of course, that’s right NOW.  This week, going into “smiley face” time.  Let’s revisit calm, cool, collected Panda when it’s 2 days before my period is due and see how “chill” I am….

Anyway, I really hope he is right.