March 17, 2009

So I am back on the anti-depressants.  I feel like I didn’t have a choice.  I couldn’t continue to be so angry and emotionally unstable.  It was beginning to worry me that it would jeopardize my relationship with Hubby.  It takes a little while for them to kick in but I do feel better, it’s more than likely psychological…ha!  It’s all psychological, right?

Trip to PA was fine and actually fun.  SIL did come on Saturday night but it was fine.  After the first hour of everyone stopped staring at me to see if I burst would into tears or flames or a million little pieces of licorice and we moved on.  Babies like me, they smile at me, want me to pick them up and hold them.  However, right now, my MO is to ignore them.  Seems cold and callous right?  Well, that’s what I need to do to get through the day.  Everyone else just needs to deal with it.

Can you tell that I am working on my people-pleasing issues?  Usually, I want to make everyone happy, I want to like everyone, I want everyone to like me.  I’m starting to care less and less about what people think and their opinions.  I am not in anyway going to be rude or nasty because that’s not the way Momma raised me (however, let this be a warning to all around me: the next person who tells me to “relax” or “not to worry, it will happen” gets my size 8 1/2 up their behind).

That being said, I would really like to thank everyone who sent lovely notes, cards and gifts last week.  It really did help to know that people were thinking of me, Hubby and the boys.  I appreciate it and recognize all my wonderful friends.

Hubby and I have been getting along really well.  There was no arguing about sex, we’ve been having fun and laughing.  I feel like I am back to being his wife and not the shell of the person I was on April 7th.  That makes me very happy.

Over Everything.

March 12, 2009

I first need to thank everyone who sent cards and emails and gifts and poems on Tuesday.  I really appreciate all the love and sentiments I got.  I would love to call you all and tell you personally what your kind words and thoughts did for me but I am just still too much of a mess…I can’t even think about it without cry…I am so tired of crying.

Which brings me to the title of my post.  It’s all just too, too much to deal with, I am over everything.  This week was the week I lost Baby A, Harley was sick (and that resulted in a $500 vet bill), we had $800 in car repairs (totally jeopardizing our trip to CA for my Dad’s wedding) and Hubby is losing his job tomorrow.  It seems like every time we get a little bit ahead, we get knocked down again.  I feel like I can’t seem to catch a break.  Hubby is sad and depressed too, I can tell.  He tries to shake it off but I know he’s worried about us as a couple, money, having another baby.

I called Dr. S on Monday to get another prescription for Wellbutrin.  I had been taking it after losing the boys but when I got pregnant in December so I took my last one and stopped taking it.  The prescription has now expired.  As of last night when I went to pick it up at Walgreen’s, the prescription had not been called in.  Seriously?  When I said that I needed an anti-depressant again, I really wasn’t kidding but please, take your sweet time in filling it.  Really, it’s okay, I’m barely hang on here but no, no, you take your time in getting me something to make me feel a little less hopeless and a little less sad…as you can see depression brings out the sarcasm in me.

We are leaving tomorrow to go to PA to visit Hubby’s people.  Unfortunately we won’t be able to stay until Monday like we had planned since Hubby’s Chemistry final was scheduled for that day.  The much-dreaded, much-anticipated meeting of the infant niece will not happen…a whole therapy session and $40 wasted on discussing that, not to mention the blow out fight Hubby and I had that preceded the therapy session….

But I am trying to get excited for the road trip.  It’s a long 8 hour drive from NC to PA but I like being in the car with Hubby and the dogs.  I like listening to NPR and discussing things with Hubby, playing crossword puzzles, rationing gummy things to Hubby so he doesn’t eat them all before we get out of the State.  I’m going to Target at lunch to get some “supplies” for our trip to make it fun for us.

I just feel so lost.  I have to force myself to email people, keep lunch dates, smile when people tell me good news.  I know if I don’t, I will become isolated and even more depressed.  I am exhausted at trying to drag myself out of this funk.  I can see no light at the end of the tunnel right now.

This is bad, isn’t it?

Baby A

March 10, 2009

I miss you terribly and I love you.

First of all, the hysterolaproscopy on Friday went well.  There was a small polyp that basically fell off when Dr. S touched it with the scissors and a little “something” – might have been scar tissue, could have been mucus.  Dr. S zapped it and it’s gone.  Not a bad procedure in terms of recovery although the nurse blew 2 veins trying to get the IV in…it happens to me a lot, it’s not the nurse’s fault but god, my hand hurts and looks like hell – lovely shades of purple and green…

So I have been a little bratty lately.  I’ve had a bad case of the “why mes?” and the “whoa is mes!” (no idea how to punctuate that…) and what’s worse, I have adopted an attitude of “it’s okay for me to behave like this, I deserve it!”  That’s not okay.  For example, on Thursday, I totally blew it with Hubby.  He was trying to be nice, taking me out to dinner to relax me before the surgery and I came home in an awful mood.  Just horrible.  I behaved badly to the one person in the world who means the most to me and I hate that.  It makes me feel so, so terrible.  I fear at some point, he will just give up on me. 

Also, I wrote my post about the boys anniversary coming up, thinking that I was all alone in my grief and loss – that no one would remember or care.  Several people have remembered that tomorrow is when I lost Baby A.  Kelly gave me a lovely keepsake, the only thing I actually have that commemorates them.  Cousin Jenn-Jenn told me she knows that the next month is going to be hard for me and that she’s here when I need her.  Gretchen and Kelly are going to lunch with me tomorrow….Also, I placed blame on Hubby about going to PA this weekend.  I didn’t make myself clear, I’m going to go and it’s fine but it stirs up anxiety and painful memories and while I should have stood up for myself and articulated my concerns rather than just let it fester, I still want to go.  I need to go.  I need to get moving forward.

I guess my point is, I wallow a bit and fail to recognize that I have a wonderful husband and great friends and family.  I know that and I love everyone so much for caring for me.  It’s hard for me not to think about the boys right now.  I can’t just not think about it but I don’t have to dwell and I don’t have to be a raging bitch.

I do think I have to get back on the anti-depressants and I do think I need to stand up for myself when I don’t feel good and I don’t want to face something.

No one teaches lessons in how to grieve.  No one told me how to behave or what to expect.  Everything I have learned, I have learned from other people’s blogs.  The books are written by “experts” who have likely gone to school a long time but never experienced a loss like this or they turn to religion (which doesn’t work for me, I’m an atheist).  I didn’t think it would still hurt this bad, I didn’t think my nursery would still be empty, and I didn’t think my uterus would still be empty.  That’s all really hard for me to handle right now.  However, I could be handling this better than I am. 

All I can do is try and be better at getting better and hope that the people who love me and care for me will stick this out with me but I am going to promise to learn a little bit of grace.  That’s my goal for the next month.  More grace, less anger.

Wish me luck.

Now I Know.

March 5, 2009

“I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings” by Maya Angelou is one of my favorite books.  I read it as an adult and I empathized with Maya, feeling sadness at her pain and confusion but I never really knew the depths of her pain and grief that would cause her to stop speaking.  Now I do.

These past couple of weeks I have found myself slipping into solitude and quietness.  I don’t blog as much, I don’t email people back right away, I don’t call people to chat.  Katie (http://lrcyoga.wordpress.com/) sent me an email which kind of forced me to get out of my own head and share what’s going on with me and I am grateful for that.

When I wrote the post about going to see my MIL and my SIL and her perfect 3 children, I realized that it’s not that I don’t want to see them, in fact, I really don’t care either way.  Honestly, it’s fine.  That’s not what’s bothering me.  It’s the trip.  One year ago, Hubby and I were speeding towards PA in hopes that our unborn sons would be okay.  We soon recieved the news that Baby A was dying.  He died on March 10th.  I feel like no one remembers this.  No one remembers him.  From what I read, this is pretty typical of someone who has lost a child (or two) and so I understand that this is a normal reaction to grief.  It’s just that this trip to PA is serving as a constant reminder of what I was doing last year, of how I was feeling, of the bargains that I was making, the begging I did, the compromise I made.  I’m slipping back into a dark place and I don’t know what to do.

It’s also serving as a reminder that I am still in so much pain.  There is so much pain that it wells up at night and I wake up crying.  I don’t feel any better than I did a year ago and there is no wonderful numbing shock to dull the intensity.  I thought I would feel better by now.  I can’t even talk about this normally without falling to pieces.  I still feel so bad.

And I have no baby either.  I’m not pregnant and I don’t know when I will be and that’s compounding these feelings of loss.

So I get it, now I know what would make someone hurt so bad that they would stop speaking.


March 3, 2009

So not only do I envy people who can stand up-wind of their significant others and get pregnant and people who have children already but now, I am starting to envy people who can actually DO something to create their own children – well, other than the obvious.  People who can engage in IVF or take Clomid or whatever – at least they can take some action.  Now granted, I understand it’s expensive and hard both mentally and physically to deal with – I am not so naive to think that it’s all sunshine and roses.  I’ve read everyone’s blog and understand the pain and disappointment of each failed cycle.  I can’t do anything but wait and keep trying and then when I do get pregnant, there’s a good chance it will end in miscarriage.  There is nothing out there – nothing attainable at least – that can help hubby and I have a child quicker than what we are already doing.  I just have to be patient and wait and stay hopeful that it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. 

I’m losing hope with each passing month.

On a related note, Hubby and I are going to visit his mother in about 2 weeks.  We had a reprieve at Christmas because I had just miscarried and I was not ready to see my SIL’s new baby.  We agreed to come up for a weekend and hang out.  Now, my SIL (and her 3 kids – including new baby) want to come for a couple of days while we are there.  Hubby seems fine with it but it just makes me anxious and sad and angry.  I’m a bad person, I know and I tried to tell him I was uncomfortable but all he said was, “she understands what you are going through but really wants to see us.”

If she understood, she wouldn’t force her perfect little family on me.   She can’t possibly understand – few people can.  I’ll just suck it up and go – me and my fucked up chromosomes that keep screwing up our chances of having a baby – I hate this.