No Words

September 4, 2008

I just can’t explain why I am so angry and frustrated that I am not pregnant this month.  I don’t know why.  My feelings of anger and frustration caused a huge disagreement between hubby and I yesterday.  He wants me to go along with the attitude that if it happens this month great, if not, well, there is always next month.  I can do that until there is actual confirmation that it didn’t happen this month and then I’m a wreck for a whole day.  After that, I’m pretty much back to normal.  I don’t see why this is a problem.  If anything I want to shout at him, “why aren’t you disappointed and angry?  How can you just “go with it” and be so calm?”  But I don’t.  He deals in his way and I deal in mine except that he is not happy with the way that I am dealing.  Direct quote from him is, “I have to wait for you to go crazy because it didn’t happen and then pick up the pieces.”  So that makes me feel like I can’t say anything, that I can’t be disappointed and frustrated and, god forbid, I should verbally express my anger and frustration in his presence.  I just get the impression that he is sick of dealing with the whole situation.  The more he acts like I am crazy for reacting the way that I am reacting, the more crazy I feel.

He’s a good husband, I just think he is afraid that I am not going to “bounce” back from losing the babies so every emotion that I have, he watches and dissects with a fine-tooth comb.  It’s frustrating and painful for both of us.  He wants me to be okay and I want to be okay but I can’t just “be okay.”

We were fine when I got home yesterday and I apologized and so did he but it’s still hard to handle…there are just no words to describe what I feel like when I find out I’m not pregnant.  It’s like another loss….sounds silly but I don’t know how else to describe it….Well, here’s to next month.

In Limbo

September 3, 2008

This is the part that I hate.  The waiting for the inevitable.  I know I’m not pregnant, I took a test this morning and it was negative but I was supposed to get my period on Tuesday.  So I sit here and wait for my period to show whenever she feels like meandering on in.  It’s nature’s cruel joke.  The only time you aren’t going to have your period is when you are pregnant right?  If  you are late, you’re pregnant, right?  Get excited and run out and get a test because you are probably pregnant, right?  Plan how you are going to tell hubby that he gets to be a Daddy again because if your period is late, you are probably pregnant, right?

But nope, not me.  Apparently since losing the babies, my body has decided to have 26 day periods, a couple of 32 day periods; not the usual 28 day regular periods that I used to be able to set a clock to.  Aunt Flo just comes and goes whenever she pleases, breezing in and out like a crimson tide.  So I get to sit here and hope and pray that I am pregnant and then the day that I miss my period, I run out and buy a test and when it’s negative, plunge into a downward spiral.  Disappointment sets in and I get to wait for the inevitable cramping and bleeding.  I’m cranky and mean because I’m sad and disappointed that I have to wait another month.  I’m confused as to why it was so easy last time and worried that I am doing something wrong this time.  I’m fearful that it’s never going to happen.  I’m mad at myself for being so quick to lose hope.

Basically, I’m in Baby Limbo and it really sucks.

BTW, did you know that Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant?  I know, it was a shock to me the first 500 times I heard it.  Just what I really want to hear on an hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis.  Not only can I not go into Target now but I can’t turn on NPR or CNN without being reminded that I shouldn’t have wait to have my children until the ripe old age of 33.  I should have bailed on college and law school and started my family early.  Instead, I get to be reminded every month that I have aging eggs and get to listen to people talk about how “brave” Bristol Palin is for having her baby.  What the hell?  Brave?  Brave are the women who have lost babies, had many, many rounds of fertility treatments and still, everyday hope and pray for a baby.  Brave is the girl who knows she can’t care for a child and makes the best decision she can for herself and her baby.  That’s brave.  Political Panda out.