Weather always effects my mood…cloudy and dark makes me sad and sullen.  It’s the depression, I’m sure.

My insurance coverage changed in August.  I knew my employer had to make some adjustments to continue to be able to afford to cover us but I had no idea that it would effect the mental health coverage in the policy.  That’s right gang, no more therapy unless we want to pay for it and with Hubby being laid off, it’s not in the budget.  We might try and do 2 sessions a month once we get a little more “in the black” but right now, it’s not going to work out.  Nothing I can do about it except hope for health care reform that will include a mental health option.  So I’m sullen and depressed with no outlet…yeah.

We have to give up our boot camp sessions too.  We’ve been going 3 times a week for the last 5 months and it’s been great.  I haven’t really lost weight but I’ve toned up a lot.  I’m feeling confident that I can continue to work out on my own.  I have hand weights, a jump rope and 3 dogs who love to go for long and fast walks….I just need to make myself accountable to get up every other morning and go.  We just can’t afford to spent the money anymore.

Which brings me to a realization I had yesterday.  I think I’ve gone “soft.”  I used to not have the luxury of therapy and trainers and ready-made food and fancy coffee.  Since our income increased several years ago, I’ve gotten accustomed to “the good life” – which, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy but I’ve lost my ability to survive.  Part of that has to do with losing the boys – I’ve lost my will to survive, not just the ability to do so.  I think, at some point, I just decided I would float along until I got pregnant again – maybe in the hopes that would make “it” all okay and give me more of a sense of purpose.  I don’t know.  Until a couple of days ago, I was feeling good.  I felt confident that we would be having another baby soon.  I was hopeful, I was almost cheerful, even slightly happy.  But that happiness, like my pregnancies, seemed to end as quickly as it started.  I’m filled with doubt – have I ovulated yet, did we “do it” enough, is this “our month.”  So much doubt and fear and sadness…almost overwhelming…

Maybe I just need to sack up, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop feeling bad about myself and focus on the good things in life, things I want to accomplish.  It’s so hard to do though.  I know you other lost baby mamas and daddas understand this.  It all comes back to that one phrase…”I’m sorry, I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”  It resonates with me constantly.  It effects everything I do.

Looks like a 90% chance of rain today.

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The Joy of….

August 20, 2009

I recently wrote to someone that I have lost my joy.  The joy I used to have for life is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.  I have brief moments of happiness but other than that, I am an emotional wasteland of pain, anger, jealousy, rage, fear, and disappointment.  I have things that I am very grateful for (like Hubby, doggies, and my wonderful friends – both physical and bloggy) but that’s not the same as joy.  I feel like a candle whose light has been snuffed out and can’t be relit.

I sobbed last night in therapy, begging the therapist and Hubby to tell me what to do to feel better, to not hurt, to get my joy back, to have some peace.  I will do anything, just tell me what to do, I said.  We talked a lot about negative and irrational self-talk aka the mean, nasty voices that I hear telling me that the boys were it, I get no other children, I’m broken and defective – you know, the good stuff.  I’m supposed to counter that with “a dispute.”  So if my head tells me, “You are never going to have another child,” I’m supposed to dispute that with, “I will have another child.”  I’ll try it.

The therapist really latched on to the idea of adoption.  She ran with that idea, offering to help us find resources and contacts and then she alluded to the fact that she didn’t think I was emotionally capable of conceiving and carrying a child in my present state and that we might need to take a break while exploring adoption.  That really hurt.  Prehaps it’s true but it still hurt.  I sort of shutdown at that point.  I’m not willing to give up the idea of getting pregnant and carrying a child right now.  Hubby and I agreed to keep trying while exploring the possiblity of adoption.  Her comment sort of overshadowed any excitement that I was feeling for making the decision to try to adopt and left me feeling sad and hurt (thus, possibly, proving her point that I am an emotionally fragile mess that needs electro-shock therapy). 

Along those same lines and possibly providing more evidence for Therapist’s theory, was the fact that I got a message last night from IAC (Independent Adoption Centers) that the information session we signed up for was full.  It wasn’t full when I signed up for it 5 days ago on their website but it is now.  Yeah, no idea how that works.  We are on the wait list for that session and signed up for the October 3rd session.  I was so upset and disappointed that I had to have Hubby return the call out of fear that my anger and snippiness towards the “keeper of the babies” would harm our chances of sitting down with these people.  Again, probably not the rational response the rest of the world would have but I’m starting to understand that not much of what goes on in my head these days is rational.

I’m an irrational, joyless, emotionally fragile lostbabymama and at this point, I think we can safely say, I’m not even surviving anymore….I’m in real trouble, aren’t I?

Expanding Our Options

August 17, 2009

Unbeknownst to me, Hubby read my blog on Friday.  I know that sometimes he reads it just to see what I’m thinking because sometimes, when he asks, I’m not honest (and that’s not because I don’t want to be – I might not want to talk about it RIGHT then).

We had a long, frank discussion about adoption during date night.  He apparently had been thinking about it a lot.  He agrees with me that while we still want to carry a baby, we are ready to have a baby in our life now.  We want two (2)children and this process is taking a lot longer than I thought it would.  I haven’t been pregnant again in three (3) months (if you are new to my blog, read why that’s an issue).  I’m really worried that it’s not going to happen again, that something has occurred to make me not get pregnant anymore.

I’m also really worried about money but the information session we signed up for, seemed to make the financial aspect not as much of an issue.  Of course, I’m immediately skeptical of anything that seems to be good to be true. 

Maybe this will take the sense of urgency away and bring me a sense of peace that I am so badly lacking.  I’m still not willing to give up on carrying a child and I’m having an issue reconciling that.  I read somewhere that once you make the decision to adopt, you need time to grieve that loss of your fertility.  I don’t feel like that applies to me because we will continue to try and carry a child but I am feeling something in making this decision.  I don’t know if it’s sadness because I miss the boys or fear as to what this decision means for our future.  I’m worried that people will look at us differently as parents, family members will judge our child or that, in general, there will some stigma attached to him/her.  People said/say the cruelest things when I lost the babies….I have little faith they wouldn’t continue to suffer from “foot in mouth” syndrome.  But then I think about a friend who is the middle child of three and she’s the only adopted child in the family.  She’s happy, healthy and seemingly well adjusted.  Is she the norm or were her parents just extraordinary?  What if I’m not an extraordinary parent?

I’m also anxious about that first discussion with the adoption counselor.  How do I convey to someone that my children died but I’m not here to replace them?  Do I want to talk about the boys in our letter to the birthmother?  What do I say without sounding like I am playing the sympathy card?  Also, we would have to put the nursery back together and that makes me so anxious.  Hubby set up the nursery in our old house as a surprise for me – to help me feel better after losing Baby A and to have something to look at when I was home on bedrest.  The nursery was then dismantled because we were buying our house when Baby B died and never put back together because he never got to live in the new house.  All of the baby stuff is stacked in boxes and baskets in the “Nursery” with the door shut.  I haven’t been in there since we moved in 18 months ago.

Maybe I am just “borrowing trouble” – looking for things to worry about.  I just didn’t think this is where I would be in my life.  Never in a million years did I think I would be the lostbabymama to two little boys, pondering adoption.

So I have been having a lot of “should be’s and should’ves” this weekend….I should be struggling with 5 month old twin boys – happily exhausted and pulling my hair out.  I should be waking up every 2 hours for feedings and changings.  I should be handling this loss better.  I should’ve handled the disagreement with Hubby without resorting to tears (which I know makes him sad and frustrated).  I should’ve done something to prevent the miscarriage 2 weeks ago.  I should be more positive.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know whether I am coming or going.  I barely look people in the eye for fear they will see my tears and *gasp* ask me “what’s wrong?”  I mumble “thank you” to the people at Starbucks or Barnes and Nobles or Trader Joe’s (and that right there is the sum total of all the places I go besides work and the gym) and run to get out of the store as quickly as possible.  I feel like I have taken 4 steps back to right after I lost the boys.  I don’t want to eat (except for licorice).  I don’t want to do work.  I want to lay on the couch and sleep and read books about other people’s lives.  People whose babies don’t die.  People who can stay pregnant longer than 22 weeks.

I need to be positive that I will be pregnant again soon and this time, it will stick for longer than the last 2 times but I just can’t.  I’m trying, really trying.

What the hell am I going to do?  I can’t keep living this way.

5 Things – Update

October 24, 2008

So Frankie did an update on her 5 things for 30 days challenge so I thought this would be a good opportunity to update my list for the end of the week.  Check her out at :http://www.lilactreedelights.blogspot.com/

So here is where I stand at the end of this first week:

               1) No more surfing the Internet for conception advice.  I won’t do it, it makes me crazy and the fallout lasts for days: I haven’t done this once since starting and I definitely feel better.  I am halfway through the “two week wait” so this upcoming week will be the hardest.

                2) No more sneak peeks at the nursery when no one is home.  It’s not healthy and again, the emotional fallout lasts for days: Haven’t done it once.  When I want to go into the nursery, I remind myself that I don’t want to be in pain and that I want to be able to show Hubby, Frankie and myself that I am strong.

                3) I will call one friend a week and not someone that I speak to all the time, someone who I have not spoken to in months: Well, I tried this last night and got my wires crossed but I am going to call Christine over the weekend.

                4) I will meditate 3 times a week on my own: I did meditate on Wednesday but so far, that’s it.  I will do better over the weekend.  And finally,

                5) I will try and get one of my essays published by sending out 2 letters a week to different publishers: This is actually exciting.  While I didn’t send out letters, I found a website called, “WE Books” for writers.  It’s a community blog site where I can publish my essays and get feedback.  I’m really excited about this.  This will get my work more in shape for viewing by publishers.  Exciting!

I hope you all are doing well with your own “things.”

Honoring My Boys

October 15, 2008

I know that I said I wasn’t going to do anything for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Remembrance Day but I changed my mind.

I am honoring my babies by telling all of you that have been so supportive and loving and kind, thank you and I love you and I am grateful for your friendship.

This loss has made Hubby and I realize how lucky we are to have wonderful friends and family to cry with us, get angry with us and distract us from the pain.  At least something good has come from all of this misery.  I can never repay the kindnesses that I have received from friends both in “real life” and here in “cyberland,” I can only say I am truly grateful and touched.

Thank you.

Apprehension

October 8, 2008

So this is probably going to be my last post until Monday.  Michelle is coming in the morning and we are headed out on Friday, I think, to go to the beach and then the family reunion.  Every day that it gets closer and closer, I get more and more apprehensive.  It’s silly, they are my family but I’m just still so anxious around people.  I was hoping it would be better with yoga and meditation but so far, nothing has changed.

Both Michelle and Hubby have told me repeatedly that we don’t need to go but I want to – it’s just that I don’t want to.

Sort of like getting pregnant again, huh?

Stop by on Monday for the full blown report.