It turns out that my emotional instability (ha! I made Lindsay Lohan look demure), moodiness, horrible abdominal pain on Sunday and Monday, bloating and cramping, nauseous and diarrhea can all be explained (no, not swine flu or H1R2D2 – whatever they call it now – or bad chili at the cookout Sunday). 

It’s the Clomid.

I have to say, I was a bit relieved to figure this out.  A friend asked me, “perhaps this is a possible side-effect of the drugs?” 

“Noooooooooooo, ” I said, “I’ve already taken the drugs like weeks ago…oh wait…”

Yeah, well, stupid me then looks on the Internet (because that’s were all of us “offspringly challenged” find our medical information) and it turns out, the major side-effects kick in AFTER you ovulate.  Makes sense if you think about the hormones that have gotten all pumped up because of the pills I’ve been popping and then they are let loose on my system with reckless abandon.

Really, though, it’s a relief.  I had this fear that I was falling back into a deeper depression that not even the happy pills could help.  I still have the tummy issue, the bloating and feeling “full” but the actually pain of Sunday and Monday are gone as are the other less pleasant symptoms that I don’t need to discuss in polite company….

I can be crazy without fear, there will be no mental hospital for me!  Yay!

It’s the little victories….

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I think I have the May Grays’ (I know, I’m supposed to be medicated for that…).  I’m just not excited about anything.  We are in the midst of the two week wait now and I’m not feeling positive or hopeful that the Clomid was helpful.  I just don’t want to be disappointed anymore so I’m not going to get my hopes up.  I know there’s this idea of a “self-fulfilling prophecy” but honestly, I’ve been hopeful, I’ve been positive, I’ve done everything right and I still have two dead babies.

I know I need to be positive, I know that I need to think that every “time” is a chance at finally having a living child but really and truthfully, I won’t even be able to relax when I do finally get pregnant.  I have to stay that way for 23 weeks.  Baby B died at 22 weeks so if I can make it to 23 weeks, I might be able to enjoy to notion of having a living baby.  That’s a long way off for someone who isn’t even pregnant yet.  It’s hard to stand at the bottom of this hill and know that it’s a long, long walk to the finish line.  I guess I still long for the blissful ignorance I had with the boys (that is, until everything went “tits up,” as Hubby says).  I guess I’m still feeling a little “why me?” and a little overwhelmed at everything that has happened to us over the past year or so.  I don’t know where to get the strength to keep trying, to keep moving forward.  I know hubby would be very disappointed to read this.  I’m tapped out emotionally and I don’t know how to get over this funk that I am in….I used to think that my happiness does not depend on having a baby.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe that’s the only way that I am going to be happy.

I just don’t know how to “be” anymore….I have spurts of happiness, I’m not sad all the time like before but there are some days…sigh….I want to rewind the clock.  I want to go back.  I want to be done with all of this grief and pain and disappointment and have a living baby. 

Where the hell is my “easy” button?

Eggs In One Basket…

May 21, 2009

Hubby admitted to the therapist last night that he already had he felt positive that this would be the month that we stay pregnant.  I have been really worried that he would pin all his hopes on the drugs increasing the number of potentially viable eggs.  I suspected that this would be the case when the doctor first prescribed them for us and I didn’t really know how to address it with him.  The drugs could definitely help us with more eggs but those eggs might not have the right genetic material to make them viable.  The therapist thinks it’s good that he is so positive (remember she’s big on positive thinking).  I’m hopeful.  Cautiously optimistic but really, I think I will be cautiously optimistic until I am actually holding our living child(ren).  I just don’t know how he will feel if this takes longer than a month to work…

In related news, the former employee who said “why do you get two and I have none?” in response to finding out I was pregnant, had her baby.  In her defense, she struggle with infertility for 3 years so I have always been happy for her and her husband (who was the anesthesiologist when I delivered the boys so I can’t stand to see him) that they have finally gotten their baby.  I did want to say, “so now you have one and I have two dead babies” to her but I’m trying to make nice-nice with the universe.*

I could really use something positive to happen to me right now.  I came back from vacation relaxed and then the reality of my current situation (i.e. continuous miscarriages) is weighing on me again.  Looming actually.  With each pregnancy announcement from people around me, I feel more and more sad and hopeless.  Hubby is stressed about work and school and the fact that my mother guilted me into watching her new dog (the other dog, Diego, died tradgically when I was in San Diego) while she is on vacation and is very grumpy and resentful.  Makes for ideal baby-making conditions…not.

Last little rant.  I swear to whatever that if one more pregnant woman bitches about the “trials” of being pregnant, I’m going to lose it.  I was pregnant, I know it’s not a walk in the park but seriously, it’s not that bad.  In fact, I would give ANYTHING to trade places with them and be hot, uncomfortable and ackward.  They can have my reality for a little while and then understand about the “trials” of having two dead babies and multiple miscarriages.

I’m really not in a bad mood, I swear it….

*I’m not really sure what I did to the universe but she is obviously pissed at me.

I’m Back…

May 19, 2009

from the Motherland.  CA was a blast.  I visited with all my friends and family…sadly, it came to an end too quickly.  I have other news about my mother….that will need to be a separate post.

My father’s wedding was Saturday and it was lovely…hot, but lovely.  I cried on the way home thinking that my boys should have been there, what would they have worn, how would they have handled the heat…no one saw me. 

Well, if we are being honest….

I cried quite a bit this past week.  I cried thinking about getting on the plane – wishing I had the impossible task of keeping twins busy for a 6 hour flight.  I cried thinking about how they would have loved the zoo.  Again, no one saw me.  I was afraid people would think I was doing it for attention or looking for something to be sad over.  My life should be different than it is and I know I can’t change what’s happened and I am still so sad and angry and frustrated.

Sorry, this is not one of my eloquent posts.

Good news!  I did go for an ultrasound this morning – 6 happy little follicles…Those of you IVFr’s will think this is not a good number but you have to remember, I’m not taking this drug for the reasons people normally take this drug…I am doing it to increase the number of eggs in the hopes that at least one egg per cycle will have the correct amount of genetic material to be viable.  Dr. S was pleasantly surprised and continuing to stick with the program….

I actually feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. 

I might just get my healthy, living, breathing baby.

I’m A Druggie.

May 4, 2009

Hubby and I just got back from the RE.  Dr. S prescribed us 3 months of Clomid.  We presented our case with controlled fervor and vehemence including supporting evidence but without getting overly emotionally ($100k worth of law school finally paid off in my closing argument to my RE…who would have thought?).  She needed a minute to wrap her head around the idea since this is not the approved treatment for a balanced translocation.  She wanted to make sure that we understood the increased risk for multiples (which is way low with Clomid but increased for me because of my previous history of splitting eggs) but in the end, she saw no reason not to try it for 3 months.  The big selling point for her was that we were open to starting with Clomid rather than an injectible.  The injectible drugs hyperstimulate a large number follicles which is why you get 6-7 follicles dropping.  Clomid is more likely to stimulate 2 or 3 at the maximum.  Less chances for a litter. 

I did promise her that if we were successful with twins, that was it.  I was done.  I would never set foot in that office again. 

See, I’m not greedy, I just want a baby.