October 31, 2008

So here I am, sitting at my desk at work, feeling totally lonely.  I have friends – lots of really good ones actually – but I feel like I can’t say, “I am sick and tired of being the only one with no baby, this fucking blows.”  I mean how do you say that in conversation.  Plus I would just break down and no one wants to see that.  This is when I would plop down in Suzanne’s office and whine.  Suzanne is 3 hours away.  Maybe I need to meet some people with no kids.  I don’t know.  Maybe this is because I am sick and don’t feel well.  Everyone in the office is treating me like MORE of a leper because I have a cold so I have not spoken to a soul in 3 and 1/2 hours.  Maybe this is because “dot” (thanks Jenn-Jenn) was supposed to come this morning and I am too scared to test (I don’t feel pregnant – why waste the money and get my hopes up).  Maybe this is because Halloween is my favorite holiday and I don’t have my boys to dress up.  I don’t even have costumes for the dogs.

I’m tired of this.  Every month I am disappointed.  We have two more months of au naturale and then I want some drugs.  If Dr. T won’t do it, I will find someone who will.  I want to be tested and then I want drugs.  I’m calling January 2nd.

I’m just tired of this feeling like I’m never going to have another baby.  I’m tired of wondering how I got here.


Work Rant

October 28, 2008

Have I mentioned that I don’t really like my job?  I can’t really find anything else to do (although I have a ton of things that I would like to be employed doing but they require more or different education or a connection into state government that I don’t seem to have) so I just stick this out.  The work is a little tedious which I could live with if the atmosphere was fun.  It’s not.  I don’t really like the people I work with.  Scratch that, I don’t really know the people I would with.  It’s nothing like my old job.  I loved those girls, still do.  We don’t socialize, I am never invited to lunch, I have a couple of conversations with one woman on a weekly basis but other than that….nothing.  I once went a whole day and the only thing I said to anyone was “Good Morning…”

And then there is the paralegal whose daughter had a baby in May, one month after I lost Baby B and she doesn’t work so she is in the office with the baby regularly.  And her mother sits across from my office.  I can’t get up and shut the door because that would be rude but I can’t stand to hear, “oh what a pretty little girl” over and over again.  Apparently no one thinks this would bother me.  And I think that’s what bothers me the most, particularly since this paralegal lost a son when he was just days old.  You’d think she’d be conscious of this.  Or she is and just doesn’t care.

No one asks me how I am doing, how I am feeling?  No one acknowledges when they see me running to the bathroom with tears coming down my face or my eyes are obviously red from crying.  It’s weird because they were super-supportive when I was in the hospital and then home on bedrest but now it’s like they have forgotten. 

Maybe they have.

If this were a better economic market, I would look for a new job but with little savings (thanks to six weeks of procedures and bedrest), medical bills being paid off and Hubby just now getting paid for full-time work, it’s not a good idea.  Plus, when I do get pregnant again in the next month or two (fingers crossed), I don’t want to be starting a new job and then bailing in 9 months for maternity leave.  I would love to save some money during my pregnancy and then find a new job while out on maternity leave.  I don’t see that happening though.

This just seems like another part of my life that I can’t seem to get right.

5 Things – Update

October 24, 2008

So Frankie did an update on her 5 things for 30 days challenge so I thought this would be a good opportunity to update my list for the end of the week.  Check her out at :http://www.lilactreedelights.blogspot.com/

So here is where I stand at the end of this first week:

               1) No more surfing the Internet for conception advice.  I won’t do it, it makes me crazy and the fallout lasts for days: I haven’t done this once since starting and I definitely feel better.  I am halfway through the “two week wait” so this upcoming week will be the hardest.

                2) No more sneak peeks at the nursery when no one is home.  It’s not healthy and again, the emotional fallout lasts for days: Haven’t done it once.  When I want to go into the nursery, I remind myself that I don’t want to be in pain and that I want to be able to show Hubby, Frankie and myself that I am strong.

                3) I will call one friend a week and not someone that I speak to all the time, someone who I have not spoken to in months: Well, I tried this last night and got my wires crossed but I am going to call Christine over the weekend.

                4) I will meditate 3 times a week on my own: I did meditate on Wednesday but so far, that’s it.  I will do better over the weekend.  And finally,

                5) I will try and get one of my essays published by sending out 2 letters a week to different publishers: This is actually exciting.  While I didn’t send out letters, I found a website called, “WE Books” for writers.  It’s a community blog site where I can publish my essays and get feedback.  I’m really excited about this.  This will get my work more in shape for viewing by publishers.  Exciting!

I hope you all are doing well with your own “things.”

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October 24, 2008

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October 24, 2008

From time to time, I might write a post that needs to not be read by certain members of my family (no, not you Jenn-Jenn) and if you know me, you will know who I mean.  If a post is password protected, please email me and I will be happy to give you the password.

Yeah right.

October 22, 2008

Apparently the baby bear dumped on the campus of WSU was not politically or racially motivated.  Check out Laura Leslie’s blog: http://www.wunc.org/programs/news/Isaac-Hunters-Tavern 

She’s not buying it and neither am I.

Apparently the students found the bear and then, concerned about possible blood in the back of the truck (where the bear had been for 24 hours already), the students found random political signs (all happen to be Obama signs) and attempted to cover the head wound on the bear and THEN dumped the carcass on the campus.

Yeah, right, Political Panda is young but she wasn’t born yesterday.

Being Positive

October 22, 2008

So Hubby says to me this morning, “how do you feel?  Do you think we made a baby?”  I said, “I don’t know, I feel positive, I feel good but I just don’t know.”

You see, as much as I write about me here, I do have a wonderful husband who wants a child as much (sometimes I think more but only because he doesn’t have to experience childbirth) as I do.  He suffered with the loss of our children as much as I did, just in a different way.  All of my dreams and hopes for our boys, well, he had them too.  He used to tell me about how he would imagine them in the backyard, the three of them digging for worms or looking for frogs and turtles, that he wanted a pond at the house we just bought so that he could teach them about fish and frogs and turtles, that they would love animals as much as we do.  I know that the day we lost Baby B was the worst day of his life.

In my effort to try and evolve from this grief, I am trying to be more positive.  I am trying to smile more, think good thoughts, be hopeful.  Not think about the fact that if he had married someone else, he probably wouldn’t here, in this moment, with 2 died babies and a wife who desperately wants to get pregnant and that as much as I love him – make no mistake, he is my heart – if given the chance, I would turn back time and refuse to marry him so he would find someone else and be spared this grief.  I’m crazy aren’t I?

Instead I will focus on the fact that without this loving, caring man, I wouldn’t have survived this loss.  I wouldn’t be here right now.  I would have curled up and died.  Without my husband, my perfect karate-doing, animal-loving, sweetheart of a husband, I would have given up.  I am thankful for him and grateful for all that he has given me.

I will be positive that the love I have for him will translate into a baby for us.