So I have been having a lot of “should be’s and should’ves” this weekend….I should be struggling with 5 month old twin boys – happily exhausted and pulling my hair out.  I should be waking up every 2 hours for feedings and changings.  I should be handling this loss better.  I should’ve handled the disagreement with Hubby without resorting to tears (which I know makes him sad and frustrated).  I should’ve done something to prevent the miscarriage 2 weeks ago.  I should be more positive.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know whether I am coming or going.  I barely look people in the eye for fear they will see my tears and *gasp* ask me “what’s wrong?”  I mumble “thank you” to the people at Starbucks or Barnes and Nobles or Trader Joe’s (and that right there is the sum total of all the places I go besides work and the gym) and run to get out of the store as quickly as possible.  I feel like I have taken 4 steps back to right after I lost the boys.  I don’t want to eat (except for licorice).  I don’t want to do work.  I want to lay on the couch and sleep and read books about other people’s lives.  People whose babies don’t die.  People who can stay pregnant longer than 22 weeks.

I need to be positive that I will be pregnant again soon and this time, it will stick for longer than the last 2 times but I just can’t.  I’m trying, really trying.

What the hell am I going to do?  I can’t keep living this way.

Going to Australia…

September 24, 2008

Somebody buy my ass a plane ticket to Australia cuz I am going swimming!

Who’s with me?

In Limbo

September 3, 2008

This is the part that I hate.  The waiting for the inevitable.  I know I’m not pregnant, I took a test this morning and it was negative but I was supposed to get my period on Tuesday.  So I sit here and wait for my period to show whenever she feels like meandering on in.  It’s nature’s cruel joke.  The only time you aren’t going to have your period is when you are pregnant right?  If  you are late, you’re pregnant, right?  Get excited and run out and get a test because you are probably pregnant, right?  Plan how you are going to tell hubby that he gets to be a Daddy again because if your period is late, you are probably pregnant, right?

But nope, not me.  Apparently since losing the babies, my body has decided to have 26 day periods, a couple of 32 day periods; not the usual 28 day regular periods that I used to be able to set a clock to.  Aunt Flo just comes and goes whenever she pleases, breezing in and out like a crimson tide.  So I get to sit here and hope and pray that I am pregnant and then the day that I miss my period, I run out and buy a test and when it’s negative, plunge into a downward spiral.  Disappointment sets in and I get to wait for the inevitable cramping and bleeding.  I’m cranky and mean because I’m sad and disappointed that I have to wait another month.  I’m confused as to why it was so easy last time and worried that I am doing something wrong this time.  I’m fearful that it’s never going to happen.  I’m mad at myself for being so quick to lose hope.

Basically, I’m in Baby Limbo and it really sucks.

BTW, did you know that Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant?  I know, it was a shock to me the first 500 times I heard it.  Just what I really want to hear on an hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis.  Not only can I not go into Target now but I can’t turn on NPR or CNN without being reminded that I shouldn’t have wait to have my children until the ripe old age of 33.  I should have bailed on college and law school and started my family early.  Instead, I get to be reminded every month that I have aging eggs and get to listen to people talk about how “brave” Bristol Palin is for having her baby.  What the hell?  Brave?  Brave are the women who have lost babies, had many, many rounds of fertility treatments and still, everyday hope and pray for a baby.  Brave is the girl who knows she can’t care for a child and makes the best decision she can for herself and her baby.  That’s brave.  Political Panda out.

So we are headed out of town this weekend for my birthday.  We had planned to hit the beach and camp with the dogs (one of two beaches left in NC where dogs are allowed anywhere on the beach – wouldn’t want to upset the tourists now would we? I have a love/hate but mostly hate relationship with tourists).  Although apparently the last remnants of Hurricane Fay is finally going to bring rain to the drought parched areas of North Carolina so it looks like we will be camping in the rain…I predict us coming home early on Monday….like maybe Sunday….

The rain is not surprising.  My birthdays are usually not exciting events.  I am perfectly happy spending it with my hubby and dogs, just hanging out but we always plan to do something fun – hell, it’s almost always a 3-day weekend – and something always happens.  Nope, not being over dramatic here.  Something always happens.  Last year, we had just moved and literally had $10 to our name.  Year before that, my mother insisted on coming to visit (we will discuss my relationship with her later) and then, when I wanted to go to the Aquarium said, “no, you two go ahead, I will just stay here…sigh.”  So of course I had to BEG her to join us at the Aquarium for a good hour.  At that point, who the hell wants to see fish anymore.  My hubby even got fired on my birthday on year….nice.

This also happens to be about the time that I am supposed to (but hoping not to) get my monthly visit from Aunt Flo.  I can assure you that if AF arrives while we are camping on the beach, we are packing up and heading to the nearest Motel 6.  Also, if that’s the case, we are stopping at the swap meet in Raleigh on the way home to find a fertility God (slightly used is fine) and I am going to place it on top of the TV in our bedroom and it can stare at me and hubby with it’s beady little eyes and BRING ME A BABY DAMN IT.

Maybe I’m just whining because I am another year older…

Oh looky what Gretchen got me for my b-day!  Thanks Gretchen!

My B-day Present from Gretchen!

My Dream

August 15, 2008

My dreams used to be about a crying baby boy that I would search and search for and never be able to find.  I would run from room to room looking for a little boy in blue feety jammies and I could hear him crying and I would not be able to find him.  Pretty upsetting.  I would wake up hysterical, drenched in sweat and just be so heartbroken.  Then I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep and I couldn’t take a sleeping pill because it wouldn’t wear off in time for me to get up at 6:00am.  So I would take a pill every night so I would pass out and not dream.  Okay, probably not good.  Granted, they aren’t prescription (I didn’t want to wake up in the car in front of a KFC with my hand in a bucket of chicken and wonder how I got there, you know?) but still, not good.  I started going to acupuncture and now, for the most part, I have had good, solid dreamless sleep.

Except for last night.

Last night I dreamed about a baby.  This dream was much, much different than my other dreams.  I wasn’t dreaming about my boys.  I wasn’t scared or sad or crying or hurting.  I dreamed I was giving birth to a baby.  I was all alone in a lovely room decorated in lavenders and purples and I was having a baby.  The baby came out and was healthy and pink and screaming.  And how do I know it wasn’t my boys?

Because it was a girl.

I was holding and nursing a petite, tiny, living, little girl with a fuzz of slightly red hair.  And then I woke up with a smile on my face.  I have dreamed about babies exactly one other time.  About 2 weeks before we found out that the boys were boys, I dream about 2 red-haired baby boys in blue jammies in a crib.

Could this be a baby girl called “Hope”?  Perhaps.  I am hoping so and right now, hope, for me, is a big step forward.