Opening Up…
July 30, 2009
It’s getting easier to talk about the boys. I noticed yesterday when I relayed the story of the “induction discussion” to the therapist, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry…I just told her how it bothered me but that I wasn’t surprised, people outside of my “invisible army” (thanks MisterIVF, I think that’s going to stick) don’t understand but that I would just try and let it roll off my back…I talked a lot about how I feel horrible for the time that Hubby spent alone while I was gorked out on morphine but I did so without falling completely apart.
I do, however, I feel like grief is cyclical and that I might just be a mess tomorrow or Monday or whenever…I don’t know…I keep getting my hopes up that the pain will be less intense but then it smacks me upside the head. Sucks. The boys first birthday would be next week…sigh. K and I are going to lunch. I’m lucky to have her. I’m lucky to have all of you in real life and in the bloggy world.
I heard an author talking about her poetry on NPR yesterday. She wrote a book to cope with the grief and loss after the murder of her daughter called, “Slamming Open the Door.” She read a poem she wrote about things that you don’t say to someone who was grieving….it was sad and funny and very relatable for me…I sat in the parking lot of the Harris Teeter and cried and laughed as she read it. I ordered it from Amazon, I will keep you posted.
I found a piece of jewelry I want. I was going to ask Hubby for it for my birthday but I think I will just order it for myself. I’m a little afraid he will think it’s dumb or silly or that I’m wallowing…not that he would say that but he worries about my mental health (probably rightly so) and I don’t like making him worry. Anywho, it’s neat stuff and I corresponded with the artist to get her to make some changes to the pieces so they would be perfect for the boys. I love the keychain that K got me and it made me realize that I was okay to have something that commemorates them. I’ll post the link to the artist soon…
Baby Boys
April 7, 2009
Beans:
I miss you terribly and I love you.
I cannot believe it’s been a year since you were delivered but your Dad and I will always love you and hold you in our hearts.
Love,
Your Mommy.
Alternate Universe
February 16, 2009
Okay, so this may sound crazy but I have something to share (mainly in the hopes that other people have had this happen and I am not really crazy). I still have thoughts of the boys. Except they aren’t dead in these thoughts. It’s like they are memories that I have yet to have or memories that I didn’t have or couldn’t possible have had…I have these visions of what life should be like – me getting up to feed them, playing with them, changing diapers. Just this morning I was loading dishes into the dishwasher and I thought, “I should be loading baby bottles in here…” I have looked in my rear view mirror and imagined that they are back there in their car seats. It’s been nearly a year – a year since my world stopped. I just don’t feel like I can get it started again. I get up, eat, work, swim, go to yoga, eat again, and go to bed. I go to dinner with Hubby, go to lunch with the girls, go to therapy dog training. I pee on ovulation tests, pee on pregnancy tests, get blood drawn but now, not only do I long for another baby, I still long for those boys. It’s like I have doubled my pain.
I want my old life back but in my old life, I didn’t have the boys either. They didn’t exist then. I just feel so stuck.
Happy Holidays
December 17, 2008
So I knew the holidays were going to be tough but actually, it’s been a little easier than I thought it would be. I have been staying busy, spending time with friends and hubby (who practically beat the Christmas spirit into me) and in general, trying to make peace with this time of year. I received some lovely cards and emails from people, taking the time to tell that they are thinking of me and the boys right now and you have no idea (actually if you are my people, you do) what that means to me.
There is this fear in every person who has lost a child that your child will be forgotten. When people say to me “you know, I was thinking of you and the boys,” I know that they were remembering what the boys meant to me and Hubby. You would think that we would want to forget but I don’t and neither does Hubby. The boys existed and I know that no one got to see them (there are pictures but they are safely tucked away with a family member until Hubby and I are ready and perhaps, one day, we will share them but I think I want to spare you from looking at a picture of a lifeless baby) but let me assure, they existed, they were real and I love them and miss them.
I guess what I am saying is, that despite the awful loss that I have experienced this year, I have been reminded of some wonderful things that I do have in my life. Your cards and emails remind of that everyday. I save everyone of them – I do! Emails and cards. My husband, my friends, my family….people who care for me enough to email me out of the blue or call me to check in on me, that’s a great gift.
So thank you and Happy Holidays. I love and appreciate all of you. While I have a feeling next year will be better, I know that I will always need and cherish every one of you and I am grateful for all of you.
Honoring My Boys
October 15, 2008
I know that I said I wasn’t going to do anything for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Remembrance Day but I changed my mind.
I am honoring my babies by telling all of you that have been so supportive and loving and kind, thank you and I love you and I am grateful for your friendship.
This loss has made Hubby and I realize how lucky we are to have wonderful friends and family to cry with us, get angry with us and distract us from the pain. At least something good has come from all of this misery. I can never repay the kindnesses that I have received from friends both in “real life” and here in “cyberland,” I can only say I am truly grateful and touched.
Thank you.