Opening Up…

July 30, 2009

It’s getting easier to talk about the boys.  I noticed yesterday when I relayed the story of the “induction discussion” to the therapist, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry…I just told her how it bothered me but that I wasn’t surprised, people outside of my “invisible army” (thanks MisterIVF, I think that’s going to stick) don’t understand but that I would just try and let it roll off my back…I talked a lot about how I feel horrible for the time that Hubby spent alone while I was gorked out on morphine but I did so without falling completely apart. 

I do, however, I feel like grief is cyclical and that I might just be a mess tomorrow or Monday or whenever…I don’t know…I keep getting my hopes up that the pain will be less intense but then it smacks me upside the head.  Sucks.  The boys first birthday would be next week…sigh.  K and I are going to lunch.  I’m lucky to have her.  I’m lucky to have all of you in real life and in the bloggy world.

I heard an author talking about her poetry on NPR yesterday.  She wrote a book to cope with the grief and loss after the murder of her daughter called, “Slamming Open the Door.”  She read a poem she wrote about things that you don’t say to someone who was grieving….it was sad and funny and very relatable for me…I sat in the parking lot of the Harris Teeter and cried and laughed as she read it.  I ordered it from Amazon, I will keep you posted.

I found a piece of jewelry I want.  I was going to ask Hubby for it for my birthday but I think I will just order it for myself.  I’m a little afraid he will think it’s dumb or silly or that I’m wallowing…not that he would say that but he worries about my mental health (probably rightly so) and I don’t like making him worry.  Anywho, it’s neat stuff and I corresponded with the artist to get her to make some changes to the pieces so they would be perfect for the boys.  I love the keychain that K got me and it made me realize that I was okay to have something that commemorates them.  I’ll post the link to the artist soon…

So my friend, J, said no to the certificates.  She has her reasons and I won’t share them here but I understand and respect her honesty.  I think I have a backup plan with the help of my good friend, K….I will keep you posted.

Apparently, I am not the only one who gets little flashbacks from the Labor and Delivery room…

Hubby and I went to a ball game on Saturday with a group of sorority alum and husbands.  Somewhere during the game, the subject of when the cut off birthday is for kids to start school here came up.  It’s August 31st.  My friend’s baby is due the 27th, I think so she and her husband starting talking about how induction HAD to happen on whatever date and such…sadly, me and Hubby were sitting in between them so they were having this conversation over us.  My friend’s hubby said something about, “well, as least it will be quick…” and Hubby said, “really?  That wasn’t our experience…”  The friend’s hubby didn’t miss a beat and said, “oh that’s just the first one…”  At which point, Hubby looked at me and said, “sure they tell you takes 6 hours but 48 hours later and you are still there, right?  Let’s go take a walk…”

See the doctors told us that usually, once the drugs are administered, the whole process is over in a couple of hours since my body should be ready and willing to “give up” the babies – we would be home by Sunday afternoon at the latest.  The fact that the pills kicked in at 7pm on Saturday night and went full force for another 48 hours has been a constant source of pain for Hubby – I don’t remember most of it.  Hubby insisted that I get the maximum amount of morphine allowable during this time so I slept for most of Saturday night and Sunday.  That means that he was essentially alone, in the room with his thoughts for that whole time – alone to take care of me.  When my IV would run out, he would go find a nurse to replace it.  When it was time for the next application of the drug, he would go and find a resident to give it to me…He was all alone during this time…The discussion on Saturday of the joys and convenience of induction really brought back those feelings of fear and grief and loneliness and sadness…for both of us.

A Second Poem…

July 21, 2009

Amy from Surviving the Day sent me this poem yesterday.  I love it, I think it’s perfect – I love the two petals.  It’s another one to add to my collection of “things”.  Not sure what I am doing with these “things” yet but I’m leaning towards a box…Still no word from the friend regarding the certificates.  I understand it’s hard to think about and I’m going to be patient until I hear from her.  Thank you for all the amazing thoughts and words…my little invisible army…thanks.
MEMORY
My mind lets go a thousand things,
Like dates of wars and deaths of kings,
And yet recalls the very hour – 
‘Twas noon by yonder village tower,
And on the last blue moon in May – 
The wind came briskly up this way,
Crisping the brook beside the road;
Then, pausing here, set down its load
Of pine-scents, and shook listlessly
Two petals from that wild-rose tree.
~ Thomas Bailey Aldrich

Poem

July 20, 2009

My friend, T, she’s my sorority sister and one of my people.  She’s lost 2 little girls (at separate times,  no less).  She sent me this in response to my last posting.  I thought I would share.  I’m thinking that I will take some of the suggestions and finish their baby book with the ultrasound pictures and the cards – maybe find a box to put it all in.  I can do this when Hubby is out of town next week…I haven’t heard from J, I will keep you posted as to what she says…if the answer is no, I might make a plea to all my crafty and creative readers to help me with this….

My Child

You left this life too soon, my child.
Your arrival to our family was greatly anticipated.
We cherished the opportunity t o share our love
And watch you grow and become your own person.
But you were taken from us too soon.

We will go on without you, although it will be difficult.
You will be missed and loved for as long as we live.
May we be together on the other side of this life.
A star will always shine brightly in our hearts for you.
Thank you for blessing our lives even so briefly.

Goodbye, my dear child!

Mending My Heart…

July 17, 2009

I called on Monday to have the boys’ death certificates amended to include their names.  We didn’t give their names to the doctor at the hospital, I can’t remember…morphine….

The boys don’t have death certificates.

They never drew a breath outside of my belly.  I was told that they aren’t entitled to any certificate.

Why does this bother me so?  Yeah, I don’t know.  I discussed this at length with the therapist and she thinks that I just need something to hold on to so that I don’t feel like they are slipping away or that I needed this for closure.  I don’t know.  I feel like the universe gave me closure when it took them from me.  I’ve struggled with how I wanted to remember them, what I’ve wanted something that I could look at if I wanted to but put away if I needed to.  A tattoo is not something I can just put away…a piece of jewelry maybe?  Nothing I have seen has spoken to me in away that I would want to remember the boys.  I have a great key chain that I love but I can’t decide if I want something I can put in their baby book or…I just don’t know….I feel unsettled…

I took a deep breath this morning, swallowed my tears and emailed a friend who draws – J, she’s a sorority sister who lives in San Fran.  I wanted to call her but it’s been to hard to even say the words to Hubby.  He doesn’t know there are no death certificates.  I don’t know if it will matter to him.  Anywho, I’ve asked her to make me certificates for the boys.  I have no idea what she will say…it’s a lot to ask someone – “can you sit down for a couple of hours and make a little memorial to my dead babies? ”  Good times.

I’m hoping she will say yes but if not, I will find something else…I think I need to do this.

Lost

July 14, 2009

I really do feel like I’m losing it.  I’m angry and sad and frustrated and I cry a lot.  “Sounds like depression,” you say, and I would agree with you if I wasn’t being medicated for depression already and seeing a therapist.  I mean who has lists of baby names in their head but no baby yet?  Who has visions of having twins again, knowing the likelihood of it happening again is slim?  Who dreams of babies who are long, long gone?  I’m going crazy, aren’t I?

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I put a lot of hope and faith in the Clomid and twice now, it’s not worked.  I feel like we did everything right and it didn’t work.  We probably did do everything right.  I know that you can do everything right every month and it still won’t happen right away (unless you are any number of my friends and my sister in law and then, rest assured, you will get pregnant within minutes of deciding you want to be…do I sound bitter?  That’s because I am and I don’t care…).  We have one more month of Clomid and my understanding is that it’s magical powers will stay in my system for up to 60 days.  After that, I don’t think I want anymore.  The side effects suck and I still have no baby(ies)…I can have no baby(ies) and not feel physically like crap sans Clomid, thank you very much.

I’m tired of whining and crying, I’m tired of friends having to pick up the pieces, I’m tired of all of you having to be my cheerleaders…I know that I need to get over this, I keep telling myself that but I just don’t know what to do to feel better…

I’m truly feeling lost….

Passing Me By…

July 13, 2009

The world around me keeps moving forward and I can’t.  I don’t know what’s happened in the last 2 weeks that has made me feel as bad I did when we first lost the boys.  I can’t shake these overwhelming feelings of sadness and loss and hopelessness.  Maybe it’s because everyone around me is having a baby.  Maybe it’s that their due date is approaching again.  They would be a year old in 3 weeks.  Even people who have lost babies are getting pregnant again.  Why not me?  How is this my life?  How the hell did I get here?  What did I do to deserve this?

The Clomid didn’t work this month.  I spent the whole weekend crying.  I haven’t cried as hard or for as long as I did on Saturday and Sunday in a really long time.  It was the “crying so hard you gag” sobbing that some of you may be familiar with, the strangled sobbing that makes the puppy curl up next to you out of fear that something is really wrong with you…luckily, the eyelashes seem to have stayed put.  The same words keep running through my head, “the boys were it.  They were the only children you are going to get.  You blew it.  You some how screwed this up for you and Hubby.  You don’t get any more babies.  You can’t afford adoption and  IVF won’t help you.  You are done being a mother.”

It’s sad but that’s the truth – that’s what is going on in my head.  I’m losing hope.  As much as I know people are rooting for me, praying for me, and comforting me…I just don’t know how to hang on anymore.  I just keep remembering how stupidly happy I was when we got pregnant with the boys on the first try.  So stupid of me to think that things would work out.  I should have twin year old baby boys right now.  I don’t.

I have one more month of the Clomid but I’m not taking it this month.  My ability to predict ovulation has been really off (no idea if it was the tests or me or what) and Hubby will be out of town the last week in July and first week in August so I figure, we do it before he leaves and if ovulation happens after, well, so be it but we won’t have wasted the last month of Clomid on this cycle.

I doubt I will ask the doctor for anymore unless Hubby wants me to, I just can’t keep riding this roller coaster anymore.

The “it will happen when it happens” policy isn’t working for me and there is nothing anyone can do about it.