Everything is a Memory

December 3, 2008

They are everywhere, bombarding me from all directions.  Memories of this time last year when I was newly pregnant.  I was innocent and thrilled, excited and a little scared.  Now, all I can think about is that this would have been their first Christmas.  I should be out buying little presents and toys and making plans for to have their pictures taken but no, not this year.  Not ever.  They are gone forever.

And I miss them so much I can’t stand to have my eyes open.  I have cried so hard the last 3 days that my eyelashes are starting to fall out again.  I think my pain is showing because people keep asking me if I am okay.

No, I am not okay.  I don’t care about anything anymore.

I want to sleep through December and hope that next year will be better.

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9 Responses to “Everything is a Memory”

  1. hisaak Says:

    Oh hon, I wish I could make it better. While I don’t understand exactly, I know a bit of the pain of the “first Christmas” that isn’t … as this would have been the first Christmas for our girls as well.

    It is so tough to go through the motions when your insides scream in pain.

    Thinking of you – Rebuilding Myself.

  2. iambrowneyedgirl Says:

    I’m so sorry this Christmas is turning out to be a tough one for you. January will be here soon. Hang in there. **hugs**

  3. KB Says:

    I know. It is hard. It is really hard right now. Can you and hubby do some sort of fun activities to at least distract yourselves?

    I felt pretty sad on Turkey Day, not boo-hoo crying sad, but’ y’know the lethargic, dragging my butt around kind of sad. I didn’t want to see family, but being home wasn’t exactly great either. We cooked a ton of food and had fun together, but it felt sad w/out the baby being there.

    What about going on a little trip over Christmas – even a short road trip or something? Activities don’t make things go away or “make it better” for me, but at least I do something enjoyable in the meantime while I feel like crap.

    I donno…I guess we just ride it out the best we can. HUGS!

  4. jaded Says:

    Wow, i am going through the same thing too. My last period before Daniella was on December 1st, so trust me I GET IT. This holiday season is for the birds. I am hoping that next year is more ‘fruitful’ for you.
    HUGS,
    J

  5. Frances Says:

    I’m here, I’m thinking of you, you are not alone. And you will come out the other side.

    you are braver and stronger than you are able to realize now.

    I love you my sweet Martha.

  6. Meeco Says:

    i been following your blog. i hear your sister, this is not the christmas i expected. we are not alone.

  7. jaded Says:

    hang in there hun, just checking in…

  8. jaded Says:

    hang in there hun, just checking in…

  9. Maricel Says:

    Martha, please don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, your hubby is still there, you will get by. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))


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