A “Come to Jesus” with My Biological Clock

I realize that those of you from other parts of the world may not understand the Southern term, “come to Jesus.” Example of usage – “we need to sit down and have us a little come to Jesus about how much you have been spending on Chai Tea Lattes at Starbucks” (can you tell this just happened with hubby?  Can’t help it – I love me some Chai Tea Lattes from Starbucks, iced please and yes, I know there is caffeine and caffeine is the anti-christ to my little eggs but jeez, give me a break, I’m barely hanging on half the time anyway so if I can’t spend unlimited amounts of money on shoes and makeup just give me my dang Chai Tea Latte twice a week, okay?…wow, okay, I’m done).  Basically it means that we need to have a serious talk about something.

Dr. T emailed me to confirm our appoitnment tomorrow for our “come to Jesus with my biological clock” meeting.  No lie, that’s what the man said.  I about peed my pants.  I guess we are going to be discussing how long is too long to keep pursuing “Operation Kidlet” naturally and when we should get that bitch, Modern Medicine, involved.  Fertility drugs scare me because I could easily end up with twins again.  I already have a 25% greater chance of multiples because of the previous pregnancy (those were sponteanous) and I would get to add another 10% if we go on Clomid.  And as you all know, if it can happen, it will happen to me. 

Now those of you who have never had twins think it’s a groovy idea, two for one right?  I used to think that but since having (and losing) the boys, I am terrified of twins.  Lots of issues and although the boys didn’t die because of being twins and what happened last time is super-highly unlikely to happen again (like 1 in a million, literally), I’m still worried.  And the neo-natalogists in the family (1 nurse, 1 head of department and they are married to each other – lots in brains in one room) are screaming from the roof-tops, “DO NOT TOUCH HER OVARIES!”  Yes, they are freaking out a little because they do not want to have my babies in their NICU (although that is why we go to UNC so if something does happen, they are right there and it’s MY people caring for MY babies).  And I say that twins scare but really, I have mixed feelings.  I would like to have twins again because it was so fun being pregnant with two but then I worry about the complications.  It’s funny because hubby said the same thing last night, he has mixed feelings as well.  In general, we are all just so freaked out because of the loss, the potential for more twins…the whole enchilada……I think this next pregnancy is going to be very stressful on everyone….

But oh so, so wonderful when it happens….

Hello world!

If you have read the “about” for this page, you probably have a similar reason to be here.  It’s been 4 months since I lost Baby A and 3 months since I lost Baby B.  You will notice that I don’t call them by their names.  I do, but not in public.  I say their names to my husband and to myself and that’s it.  Don’t know why, just do.  I have brief periods of obsession with Baby B’s death certificate.  Baby A didn’t get one because when he was “born,” he had been gone for 4 weeks already.  In North Carolina, no death certificate is issued until the baby reaches 20 weeks.  I didn’t even get to hold him like I did Baby B.  And my state doesn’t issue birth certificates so the only record of his existence is the ultrasound pictures in the baby book and the booties I carried with me to Children’s Hospital in Philly (under the deranged notion that if I had booties for both boys, the doctors would be able to tell me everything was going to be fine – well, it wasn’t and Baby A died).  That bothers me but there is nothing I can do about it.  I am finding that to be true with a lot of things in my life.  Feeling a little helpless hence the reason for the blog.

Also, Hallmark, if you are listening, you need to create a memento book for these situations.  I don’t have anything to put my booties, caps, pictures, etc. in.  I know it’s not upbeat or fun or a box full of sunshine but people like me, we need something like this.  My friend Freda is taking on the not-to-fun task of creating something because I was irrationally obsessed with a box for my mementos.  Freda is crafty so I am lucky.  Everyone needs a Freda in these situations.