Panda Out, I’m Done.

August 22, 2008

No, I am not committing suicide.  Although I do appreciate the large number of people who have emailed me concerned that I may be suicidal but you folks aren’t the first to ask.  The acupuncturist said to me, “I have to ask but really, I’d be more worried about you if you DIDN’T feel as bad as you do.”  Ummm, okay…..well, I may be failing as a breeder but I am succeeding in my grief….goody.  Yeah me!*  The doctor said, “well, do you think you are depressed or just sad?”  Ummmm, I pick “C – all of the above.”  I love Dr. Thorp but really, what the hell?  My babies died and I have to pick one?  No, I’m gonna be selfish and pick both sad and depressed.  Now hand over the anti-depressants and can a girl get a Xanax, please?**

But that was then and this is now.  I’m done with this grief.  Done.  Just say no to drugs.  Yep, no more sleeping pills, Xanax or Wellbutrin.  Just say no to complete and total sadness.  Yep.  I am done.  I can’t be this sad anymore.  This is not fair to me or my husband.  It’s not fair to my boys.  This sadness and anger is not what I want their short time in my life to be about.  What happened to us sucked but I am done with feeling bad.  Done.  I laugh at grief.  I mock sadness.  You bitches are done ruling my life.  I give you both “the finger.” 

From this moment on, I am going to think about how lucky I am.  It’s all about gratitude.  That’s my new mantra – I’m lucky.  Everytime a sad or negative thought enters my mind, I am going to list all the things that I am grateful for and see where that gets me.  I am lucky to be able to get pregnant.  I am lucky to have a husband who worships me.  I am lucky to have friends and family who would walk through glass for me.  I am lucky to have people who read this blog and want to be a part of my life. 

I am lucky to have been their mommy for even just a few months.


*I’m good at grief AND sarcasm.

**For the record, suicide never, ever entered my mind, just not an option.

I adore my husband.  Best husband in the world.  No, no, don’t argue with me, mine is the best.  After what he has done for me and dealt with over the last 4 months, hands down the BEST husband.  However, he does have his moments (don’t they all?).  The dirty socks under the coffee table, the dirty clothes NEXT to hamper, the inability to load and unload the dishwasher….all minor things but the other night, boy, that was a good one.

I have pretty much decided that we missed the big “O” this month.  I was using a stupid 2 line OPK and I think I missed it (see previous post “OPK Craziness”).  Yes, we went and got digital smiley face tests but I still think we missed it.

So obviously I have been obsessing about this.  I know it only takes one time for the sperm to meet the egg and POW! we are in busy but still, I just don’t think we did IT enough so I am counting this month as a practice round (in my defense, I thought I was pregnant last month and I wasn’t and then I didn’t think I was when I did get pregnant back in November so it’s not like I have great instincts here).  Not getting my hopes up. 

Meanwhile, husband says, “you know it isn’t going to happen unless you relax.  Everyone says that once they relaxed, they got pregnant right away.”

A long pause in the conversation, crickets chirping, my face getting red….

“Really?  Is that what EVERYONE says?  Everyone who has lost their twins 4 months ago and desperately wants a baby, is that the ‘everyone’ who says that? ” Except I am SHREIKING when I say this.

Now I don’t know about you but telling me to “relax” just gets me more tense.  It’s like when you go to the dentist and they say, “this is going to feel like a little pinch so just relax…” I tense up every time and no, it doesn’t feel anything like a little pinch.

Husband: “Aw, well, you know, you just need to be more relaxed, not so worried and it will happen…that’s all I was saying…I just get worried about you putting so much pressure on us getting pregnant quickly.”  Note the back pedaling.

Me: “Don’t you think if I my emotions had any control over whether or not we fell pregnant, I would have exercised that power by now?  The only thing that matters is whether the sperm meets the egg!  Now take off your pants and let’s do it!”

Husband: “Um, okay…..”

He must love me to put up with me.  And yes, I am picking up my Wellbutrin refill from the pharmacy today.