Cynical Much?

November 24, 2008

So my yoga teacher announced gleefully on Wednesday that she’s 11 weeks pregnant.  She said that she figured it was okay to announce because she heard the heartbeat so clearly everything was okay.  Really?  I, think, really?  Oh sister, nothing is okay until you are holding that baby in your arms and it’s screaming it’s lungs out.  11 weeks?  Jeez, let me tell you the things that could go wrong honey.  I hate that I am so cynical but I also know that she has no clue.  None.  And don’t tell me, “you don’t know what she’s been through.”  I know that she’s not “our people” because if she was she would never have announced at 11 weeks that she was pregnant because “our people” know that is still the “danger zone.”  Also, “our people” would never announced to a room of strangers that they were pregnant because they know that there is someone in that room who desperately wants to be pregnant and can’t be.  “Our people” would never want to cause the pain and sadness that such an announcement makes when you have lost a child or can’t have one.

And that, of course, makes me immediately begin to loathe her because she’s living in a carefree, “non-dead baby” world.  I hate that because she’s really nice and a really good teacher and never done anything too me.  She doesn’t know that she’s caused my pain and sadness.  And really, SHE didn’t.  Her announcement did.  It’s just my grief talking and projecting my anger at the situation on her.  But I now look at her in a different light.  This makes me feel like a very bad person that I am mad at her for having a “normal” life. 

I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone but if I’m not pushing my sadness and grief on you, why are you pushing your good fortune and blessings on me?  You want me to be happy for you but I would never dream of wanting you to be sad for me.  I know that’s just “sour grapes” but I can’t help it.  I am going to try and be happy for her and continue to go to her class but I just don’t know if I can once she starts showing.  She didn’t “do” anything to me.  She didn’t wrong me in some way, she just wanted to share her news and I wonder if it all goes back to it being so easy for some people that they don’t appreciate how hard it is for others.

This is not normal, is it?  I feel like such a bitch.

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It’s that time again, you know, that period of time when you have a lot of sex and pee on a lot of little sticks which may or may not tell you that you are ovulating…I don’t know what you call it in your house but in our house, it’s called “Boinkfest.”  Those of you trying to conceive know what I mean. 

And you also know that it’s hard not to make it routine or boring because, let’s be honest here, this isn’t just your average good time in the sack, we are “boinking” for a purpose here.  This is sex for procreation.  Baby-making sex.  Gone are the days of just “doin’ it” to “do it.”  Ladies, we want those sperm and we want them NOW, right?

Well, last month we kind of struggled to keep it romantic and light and fun.  Apparently we did something right because if you read the blog routinely (thank you and bless you) remember, we were pregnant for like a minute and a half – which was good – but still, when “Boinkfest” came around this month, I was a little worried.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been.  Despite that fact that we were both disappointed with the loss at the beginning of the month, it seems to have renewed our determination to make a baby.  We’ve been having a lot of fun.  Hubby said last night (while shoving a pillow under my butt, handing me my glasses, turning me sideways so I could watch TV and covering me up – he’s a really good hubby…) that he felt very hopeful and calm.  And I agree.  There isn’t the panicked urgency that there had been in previous months.  We have gotten pregnant before and it “stuck” before and it will “stick” again.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to curled up in a ball and cry when I think about the boys but it does mean that I am thinking more about the future than the past and previously, I couldn’t say that.

VIVA LA BOINKFEST!

Relief and Thanks.

November 14, 2008

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post.  I was so shocked by my reaction that I couldn’t see clearly to realize that it was a perfectly natural reaction.  You all made me realize that I wasn’t over reacting, it was okay to say, “no, not this year.”  As several of you pointed out, it’s not “selfish” to take care of me.  As soon as I sent out my “thanks but no thanks” email, I felt immediately better.  It was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and the anxiousness that I had been struggle with was immediately gone.  I was honest as to why I felt I couldn’t participate and the response I got was very supportive and positive.  Not that I had a doubt that it would be nothing but kind words but it’s always scary to tell people about something so personal (of course, I broadcast my life for the world on this blog but…).

I want Quincy to complete his therapy dog training at the beginning of the year and I agree with Kelly, that will be a good use of my time if I do need a “distraction.”

Thanks again.

So I am a Sigma Kappa – a very proud one at that.  Most of my friends are people whom I have met while I was in college as an active member or became friends with because we are alums.  I owe a lot to the sorority, particularly because of the women who have kept me sane the last couple of months are mainly Sigma Kappas.

So in light of that, I thought, “I have some time, I should help out with the local chapter.”  I met with the women of the Advisory Board last night and as I did, I found myself faced with the dilemma of what to do.  Do I join or not?  Why is this an issue, you ask and why am I telling you about it?  Well, I found myself thinking, as I was sitting there listening to the meeting, this is all so trivial.  I mean, let’s have some perspective here.  My babies died and I am listening to a discussion about recruitment skits.

And then it hit me.  I don’t know that I am in the right frame of mind to do this.  See, it may seem trivial to a non-Sorority or Fraternity person but it’s not.  As Kelly reminded me, it’s about the health and well-being of the National Organization that I want to live on for my daughters (fingers-crossed).  A year ago, I would have really gotten that.  I would have stepped up and said, “what do you need me to do?”  I just can’t do that right now, as much as I want to, I can’t get into it.  And that’s not fair to the Chapter and the other advisors.

I’m angry that grief has robbed me of this opportunity.  I’m pissed.  I would have never thought that this loss would have effected me in the ways that it has and it still surprises me.  All of the books say that you shouldn’t start something new in the first year after a loss.  I thought I could just push through this and do whatever but I clearly can’t.  I was nearly panicked last night at the thought of taking on any kind of responsibility for the chapter.  I was terrified of committing to something and then letting them down if I couldn’t do it to the best of my abilities.  I was very quiet towards the end of the meeting and on the ride home.  I think the woman who drove me to the meeting picked up on my quietness.  This fear and panic is not me, it’s not who I am.  I used to be so much stronger than this.

And it makes me feel even worse than I already do because it’s one more thing that I CAN’T do.  I can’t seem to find a career, I can’t seem to have a baby, I can’t seem to be a good sorority girl….I’m stuck in this negative, self-depracating tailspin and I can’t seem to get out.

So what do I do?  What do I tell the other women on the Board?  I am totally entertaining any thoughts here.

Positive Reinforcement

November 12, 2008

I will concieve, carry and deliver a healthy, living baby concieved with love by Hubby and I.

This is will up on my blog until it happens.

UPDATE:  I DID!!!  Her name is Zoey and she was born screaming on 12/28/10

Just Tired.

November 12, 2008

I haven’t posted in a while and it’s not because anything bad is happening it’s just I’m tried.  I’m tired of being sad, being disappointed and being depressed.  I’m tired of trying to talk myself into all the things I should be grateful for, it isn’t working.  I want a baby badly and I keep having these “false starts” which I knew would happen but still, doesn’t make life any easier.  On top of that, I don’t like my job – I’m not fulfilled by it.  I got my head bit off this morning for trying to save the firm $250.  Screw that.  Of course, who said life had to be easy right?  Well, you know what?  I would like life to be tolerable for a few months.  Just tolerable.  I had this stupid notion a year ago of “everything is perfect.”  My mistake.  I won’t do that again.

I’m grateful for my husband, my supportive friends and my cute house.  The rest, not so much to be grateful for….

I spoke with the nurse yesterday, my HGC levels are at 0 again so it was either a chemical pregnancy or a miscarriage but either way, I was pregnant and now I am not (which we all knew so it wasn’t a huge shock).  Again, yeah for getting pregnant, boo for not staying that way.  Dr. T said to go on and try again this month, no reason to wait. 

Can I borrow someone’s positive attitude?  I seem to have lost mine sometime around April.

And Then It Was Over.

November 6, 2008

I started spotting last night.  And then the spots turned bright red.  And then I knew that was that.

Dr. T still wants me to have the second blood test to confirm but I am pretty sure whatever little grouping of cells had attached themselves to my uterus are gone.

But surprisingly, I haven’t cried.  I’m disappointed, of course but thing is, it’s still a win to me.  We got pregnant again.  We knew there might be some false starts with the genetic issue that I have.  It’s still a win though and I am focusing on that positive.

Thanks for being excited for me.  Let’s just call this one the practice round.