Neverending Grief

September 25, 2009

So last nights’ “Grey’s Anatomy” was all about grief.  One of the main characters, “George,” ended last season by getting hit by a bus and was unrecognizable until minutes before the finale ended.  The premiere showed “McDreamy” unable to repair the damage to George’s brain and the decision is made to call his mother and find out if he is an organ donor.  The hospital is collectively devastated.

The voice over talks about the 5 stages of grief, which I think all of us lost baby parents can agree, doesn’t occur in stages but waves, each one overlapping the other at various times and intervals.  I’ve accepted and bargained, felt guilty and angry, hell, I’ve even denied it happened (then of course, I wake up).  Each character was supposed to represent the various stages of grief.

But the phrase that resonated most with me was something that the character “Meredith” said.  She said:

“The minute you think you’re over it, it starts all over again.”

That’s where I’m at.  I went to the bathroom at work yesterday and sat in the stall and cried.  I hadn’t done that in months – cried at work.  I’m even out of practice.  Used to be, I could cry looking down, with my head in a horizontal position and not ruin my eye makeup…yesterday, mascara was all smeared.  I’m still so mad, still so sad, still so angry.  I want to scream as loud as I can, “what did I do to deserve the death of my little boys?!!??  What?!!?  Why did this happen to me?!!?”  After 18 months, just when I think I’m okay, the grief starts in again.  Nothing new has happened, it’s still the same loss, I’m still the same me I was after the boys died.  Why am I not getting any better?

The difference between me and the characters of “Grey’s Anatomy” is, the accident wasn’t real, their friend didn’t really die, they get to yell “CUT!” and it’s over.  I don’t.  There is no “CUT!” for me.  This is going to be my life forever.  I’m going to always grieve, the boys will always have died, this is my life.

I’m overwhelmed by that fact.


10 Responses to “Neverending Grief”

  1. Kelly Says:

    I had similar thoughts/reactions to the depiction of grief on the show. And I also thought what you did – that it’s all pretend for them but not for us. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crummy. But it’s okay that you do.

  2. Michele Says:

    I’m overwhelmed too… I used to go into my office, close to door, and just sob. I’d even turn the lights off, hoping no one would look in the window and see me. God, how it hurt… And still hurts.

    Sending hugs.

  3. amy Says:

    I’m sorry you cried alone in the bathroom. I remember doing that when I worked at the park. It is amazing how we can learn to cry without messing up makeup and appear like everything is just fine when really we are breaking up inside.

    My friend Laura wrote in her card about the day she found out about Liam. She was at work, at the animal hospital, and she was crying. She said everyone was so upset and crying. It made me think of this post, but my friends could not yell “cut” either. This is real.

    I hope the rest of your weekend is peaceful.

    Thanks for remembering with me last night!


  4. iamstacey Says:

    I’m so sorry. It’s beyond crappy that your insurance isn’t coming through for your therapy now, too. It’s too much to carry on your own. Sending lots of love your way.

  5. Abby Says:

    We are reality TV! I hate you are having a hard time right now. You are very right that it is like waves! You think you are doing great and BAM – without warning your emotions take over. I hope you have brighter days. They seem to be what gets me by!

  6. looking4#3 Says:

    I know it is overwhelming. I remember thinking, how can I suffer like this for the REST of my life?? Will it always hurt this bad??
    All I can say is that at some point, it does get a little easier. The pain is unfortunately alwasys there, but it doesn’t stay quite as raw. That open wound does somehow start to heal. There will be times that someone or something will open it up and pour salt directly into it. That is hard, really hard, but it does pass. In terms of this horrendous grief, 18 months is not that long. Be kind to yourself, be patient. You have come a long way and you will go even further!!

  7. Jaded Says:

    you know that is so true. sometimes i’m ok and then BAMM! it happened and it will never change. i will always grieve my girls and that thought can be absolutely overwhelming.

  8. KB Says:

    Grief continues. And it gets you (me, us) at times when we don’t expect it – don’t want it – aren’t prepared. Are we ever prepared even with all of our practice? This week was hubby’s turn. Picking up a few groceries after work – passing by the flower section near the produce. He comes home with tears in his eyes. I feel angry at it – mad at Grief for its attack on him – sad that he suffers too.

    Keeping you close.

  9. bir Says:

    We don’t have the new G’sA season down under yet and I had forgotten that George had that horrible accident. I’m agreeing too with Meredith’s comment. That’s exactly how it is.


  10. deliveryqueen Says:

    One of the hardest things in life is to heal from a loss. This will take time. Just when you think you have it beat……Something happens and you remember……The emotional pain….The physical pain. Crying until you think you can’t cry anymore. But you will get through it with time. My thoughts are with you on your journey of healing.

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