Alternate Universe

February 16, 2009

Okay, so this may sound crazy but I have something to share (mainly in the hopes that other people have had this happen and I am not really crazy).  I still have thoughts of the boys.  Except they aren’t dead in these thoughts.  It’s like they are memories that I have yet to have or memories that I didn’t have or couldn’t possible have had…I have these visions of what life should be like – me getting up to feed them, playing with them, changing diapers.  Just this morning I was loading dishes into the dishwasher and I thought, “I should be loading baby bottles in here…”  I have looked in my rear view mirror and imagined that they are back there in their car seats.  It’s been nearly a year – a year since my world stopped.  I just don’t feel like I can get it started again.  I get up, eat, work, swim, go to yoga, eat again, and go to bed.  I go to dinner with Hubby, go to lunch with the girls, go to therapy dog training.  I pee on ovulation tests, pee on pregnancy tests, get blood drawn but now, not only do I long for another baby, I still long for those boys.  It’s like I have doubled my pain. 

I want my old life back but in my old life, I didn’t have the boys either.  They didn’t exist then.  I just feel so stuck.

I’m Blah.

February 12, 2009

That’s the only way that I can describe it.  Blah.  Hubby and I had a fight last night about when to “do it” and how often to “do it” and my expectations and his expectations.  It’s never a good idea to have that conversation when you are both tired.  I feel like he thinks this is too much work and he feels like I putting too much pressure on us to make this happen THIS month.  I can’t go into the Week of Boink with a “whatever” attitude.  Hubby has told me in the past that he wants us to be positive.  Okay, so I go into Week of Boink with an attitude of “it will happen this month!” but should I also be resigned that it might not happen?  I just don’t know how to do both and I hate fighting with my husband over sex.  That’s just ridiculous to me.  And I hate the OPKs and I don’t know if they are working.  I can’t tell when I am supposed to ovulate anymore.  It seems like multiple losses have really screwed up my cycle although, I must not be too bad at it since we keep getting pregnant.  I think that ovulation is happening today since I have some cramping….sigh.

I asked Hubby what would happen if I gave up – if I told him I was done, this is too hard and I am too tired.  He said that we would have a big problem because he wants children with me and the fact that I am the baby-incubater would complicate matters.  I’m not giving up yet and I don’t really know why I asked him that.  I think maybe it was to gage where he was in the whole process which is a crappy “woman” thing to do but I was afraid if I asked him outright if he was done, he would yell at me for accusing him of quitting and not being committed to having a baby.  Hubby thinks that I am trying to beat the Translocated Chromosome, which is, of course, a fight that I won’t win.  I thought I was resigned to the fact that we just need to keep trying and we will get pregnant and have a baby eventually.  I guess I am still stuck in the “why me?” phase.  I wish this wasn’t my life.

So where are we?  Well, if wishes were babies then my house would look like Brad and Angelina’s house…other than that, I just want to be a normal couple that has sex and makes a baby.  How to make that happen?  No idea.

Check This Out Ladies…

February 11, 2009

Very funny….

Looking Back

February 10, 2009

I thought the due date or the first Christmas without them would be the hardest.  Those dates have been hard but the boys weren’t tangible then – they never made it to August or December.  Those weren’t times when I had the boys.  Right now, this is hard.  I remember that this week last year, we had an ultrasound and they were doing great.  I was 15 weeks.  They were right were they needed to be in terms of size and heart rate.  They scheduled me to come back in 2 weeks and we would know the sex.  I didn’t even know they were boys yet.  I would rub my belly and ask, “are my little beans boys or girls or one of each…”  I had started telling people I was pregnant because I couldn’t hide my belly anymore.  I remember that Hubby took me for a nice dinner for Valentine’s Day and that night I got the flu.  I was so freaked out that the babies would get sick until I read in my book that the flu virus doesn’t pass to fetuses.  Turns out, that was the least of my problems.

Instead, Hubby and I are trying to have a living baby and hoping that we don’t miscarry for the 4th time.  I am trying not to be bitter, I am trying not to look back and think, “why me?’  I’m trying but like having a baby, I’m just not succeeding.

I don’t think about them every minute of every day anymore, only every other minute.  It’s not as hard to get up in the morning.  It’s not getting better, it’s getting easier.  I’ve just adjusted my life to living with this pain.  I imagine this is what it’s like when an athlete has a chronic injury and just has to push forward.  You work through the pain, I guess.  I still can’t see newborn boys without wanting to cry.  I still can’t walk through the baby department at Target or Walmart.  I still can’t walk into the room in our house called “the nursery” – I haven’t been in there since May, the day we moved in.

I want some new baby memories, not to replace those old ones because I love my boys but I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

Pity Party, Table for 1?

February 4, 2009

So thank you to everyone who sent me lovely notes after my post yesterday.  I was having one big pity party and feeling really sorry for myself.  Like my wise friend Karla said, “if this test had been required two years ago, it would be no big deal.”  She’s right, I would have rolled with it no problem but now everything seems overwhelming and is just another thing that the universe is throwing at me to handle.

This is what I wanted.  I wanted the doctors to be thorough and make sure that everything is fine.  I wanted the doctor to tell me that the only thing stopping us from having a baby is the genetic issue because as hard as it is to continue to have losses, eventually, the law of averages will work in our favor.  I had the boys and they were fine.  It will happen again.

So I am not giving up.  I take it back, I am not done but I do reserve the right to throw my hands in the air and yell, “OH COME ON!”

Thanks again guys.

So Dr. S just called.  Apparently she does not share the same philosophy as her colleague.  She would like to perform a Hysteroscopy.  That would mean putting me under, inserting a camera into my uterus through the cervix, checking for the polyps and if they are in fact there, zapping them with a laser.  I would be out in of surgery in about an hour but would be down for the count for the rest of the weekend.  She did give me the option of another Hydrosonogram but then, if the polyps were there, we’d have to schedule the zapping at some point anyway.  I’m all about efficient use of time off from work, let’s just get it all done at once.

My question is, how the hell did I get to this point?  What happened to “let’s have a baby” and “oh I am pregnant” and “oh it’s twins” and “oh we are so lucky” to “I’ve cried so much my eyelashes haven’t fallen out – twice!” and “I’m so sad that I can’t stand myself” to “let’s schedule a photo shoot with my uterus.” 

Did you ever see that episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” where the girl has some condition where she falls and breaks bones.  She’s to the point where she can’t even leave the house because she’s so afraid of breaking something else and she’s just given up a relationship with a guy that she’s convinced was “the one” because she’s scared to have another broken bone.  The whole time she just looks up at the sky and shakes her fists and yells, “OH COME ON!”

I’m done.  I give up.  I can’t do this anymore.  It’s just too much. 


Update on Hydro-sonogram

February 2, 2009

I’m back from the doctor.  Nothing to report.  Everything looked normal with the exception of one small polyp which might not even have been a polyp – it could have been a little bit of lining that was scraped from inserting the catheter.  The doc doing the procedure (not Dr. S) said if she were my doctor, she would tell me not to worry about it but that Dr. S would call me and we could discuss further.  It’s good to know that I don’t have any additional issues on top of the genetic condition.  I’m very happy about that.

In terms of the procedure, it was nothing.  No biggy at all.  No cramping, no bleeding, nothing.  In fact, it was an RE resident that put the speculum and catheter in and I still didn’t feel a thing.  I took 800 mg of Ibuprofen this morning and then right after the procedure and that was mainly because I have a headache.  Honestly, I have had pap smears that hurt worse than that procedure.  The most upsetting part (and I thought it would be) was looking at that fucking ultrasound screen.  Last time I saw one of those, the on-call doc was telling me that Baby B had no heartbeat.  That’s all I kept thinking about so I asked the doctor to turn the screen away.  I had been dreading that machine for a while and now it’s over with.  I guess I can move on now.  Yeah, right.

So back to Brown Chicken Brown Cow this month….thanks for all the kind words and virtual hand-holding…I appreciate it…

Testing, testing…

February 2, 2009

So I’m off to the doctor’s in about an hour for the hydro-sonogram.  I’m actually a lot more nervous than I thought.  I popped an 800 mg Ibuprofen and wish that I had some of that valium I got for the eye surgery.  I couldn’t sleep last night in anticipation of the test and what they are going to find (which we all know is nothing).  Of course, it didn’t help that I was reading a book about Zombies taking over the world.  Anyway, I know the it’s no big deal (the test, not the Zombies, that would be a big deal) but…I guess I just hate this stuff.  It reminds me of going to CHOP and losing Baby A and then going to UNC and losing Baby B.   I probably should have asked Hubby to come with me but he has so much work to deal with and this shouldn’t be a big deal.  I need to be brave and not put so much on him.  I know I rely on him a lot and that’s got to be stressful for him so I am trying to be better.

I’ll be a big girl and go and it will be nothing, I am sure.

But I am going off the diet for Starbucks on the way back to the office.