April 20, 2009

I just can’t seem to get it together today.  I’m very weepy and it’s really annoying me. 

I found an online support group for people with the genetic issue (Balanced Translocation) that I have.  It’s nice because infertility support groups focus on people who can’t get pregnant.  While, I’m sure that’s maddening and frustrating and angering, that’s not me.  I get pregnant.  A lot.  Five times in the last year not including the boys.  And I miscarry.  A lot.  And so do these women.  I can’t say which is worse.  I don’t know.  Which would you chose?  Never, ever being pregnant or knowing that you are pregnant and waiting for it to end for the 5th time in a year?  I can’t walk in those shoes, I can only walk in the ones I have but I am here to tell you, this sucks.  I’m tired, I’m angry, I feel old, I feel hopeless.  And as a bonus, I’m so good at knowing that I’m pregnant, I don’t need a stupid test to tell me.  I’m the blood hound of knowing when I am pregnant.  Hence, not only do I know when I am but I know when I’m not anymore.  It’s a hard life to live right now and I am feeling really sorry for myself.

I am hoping this group will help a little bit because there are success stories.  One woman reminded me again today, “keep trying and it will eventually happen.”  It’s “eventually” that’s hard on me.

Also, I learned that the drug discussion that Hubby and I had with Dr. S. wasn’t so crazy.  As a reminder, Dr. S doesn’t want to give us fertility drugs because we are fertile but Hubby and I thought that if the drugs increase the number of eggs, wouldn’t that increase the possibility of viable ones (ones that don’t have the translocation or are balanced and therefore, able to sustain)?  Dr. S is reluctant to give a drug I don’t really need.  However, several people in the group have done this and they have been successful…

I’ll stick it out one more month without drugs but then we are having the conversation with Dr. S.  And if she isn’t up for it, I’ll head over to Duke.  UNC is chocked full of bad memories for me anyway…


6 Responses to “Support”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Hi there – I’m in the BT group and I’m a bit of a blogger myself, so when I saw your link, I had to check it out! I’m glad you found the BT group. I cannot begin to tell you how helpful it has been to me to find this group of women who actually get it. All of this crap is so hard to take, and often for me one of the hardest parts was not knowing a soul who could relate. Now I know some people, and that helps so much. Good luck as you move forward. Keep your chin up as much as you can, but let yourself have these cruddy days, too. It’s so hard to deal with all of this, and I think it’s best to let it all out from time to time. I’ve added your blog to my reader, so I’ll follow along!

  2. Amy Says:

    I’m glad you found a group of women that understand your situation. How painful and frustrating it must be to become pregnant time after time only to miscarry time after time. That suck. Hopefully either nature will work or drugs will work – either way I just Hope you have a pregnancy that sticks and results in a living baby at the end.

  3. brown-eyed-girl Says:

    I’m glad you’ve found a group of women to support you in what you’re going through. Going the drug route is an interesting option. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that something / anything works for you soon.

  4. Melissa C Says:

    I’m glad to hear that you found a group of women that can relate to what you are going thru. I’ll keep praying for you and your husband that you will get pregnant and stay pregnant next time 🙂 hugs

  5. Jaded Says:

    i asked my doctor once about giving me fertility drugs to increase the number of eggs in a given cycle, not necessarily to get pregnant.
    because i can get pregnant she does not want to risk multiples in a pregnancy due to my crappy cervix.
    i am willing to carry multiples – even if i would be carrying a fatal baby along with a healthy one…but my cervix…

    • mkwewer Says:

      Oh that dang cervix! Yes, I’ve heard the “no multiples” argument too because I have an increased chance since the boys were naturally conceived twins. Thing is, been down that road and while emotionally, it would be hard, I’m okay with going down that road again…I always read your blog and think about you and hope that things will happen for you soon…

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