Thoughts….

Day 39 of my cycle and no period and 2 negative HPTs.  I got all excited because I was queasy and my breasts hurt (still do actually) and I’m tired…damn universe, she’s such a bitch.  I’ve never gone this long without a period (except when I was pregnant).  My guess is that I didn’t ovulate last month because of the flu.  I had the flu the same time I should have ovulated and I thought that I didn’t get a positive OPK because I tested too late (because I was sick with the flu).  It is what it is, right?

I didn’t get invited to a baby shower and it really hurt my feelings.  I wouldn’t go – actually, my best friend is coming into town and I couldn’t go – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the invite.  I think, because this was an accidental pregnancy, the person thinks I’m judging her.  I’m not.  I don’t have the energy to judge.  It just hurt my feelings.

Also, Hubby’s cousin is pregnant and everyone thought it best to hide it from me until there was no possible way of hiding it from me any longer as she showed up at his mother’s house when we were there this past weekend.  Thing is, I already knew.  I had known for a while.  Facebook does not hide secrets well.  But what if I hadn’t known?  They would have just sprung it on me 5 minutes before she showed up?  That doesn’t seem fair.  I just want people to be honest with me and let me deal with the situation.  Anyway, it hurt me more than I can explain to them so I didn’t.  It made the visit with L more awkward then it needed to be because L didn’t know that I previously knew she was pregnant so she’s holding pillow over her stomach trying to hide it.  Finally, I said something about her being pregnant and she was more open about it.  She wouldn’t even get up to hug me.  I cried all night because I hate the idea that his family thinks I’m too crazy to deal with L and her pregnancy.  Thing is, L is probably one of my favorite people in Hubby’s family.  She’s the most similar to us in our views – both political and religious and when I was there getting ready to go to CHOP, she was really comforting and kind.  Everytime we visit she makes an effort to stop by and see us.  The whole situation just made me feel alone and isolated and really uncomfortable despite the fact that I know the family was only trying to spare my feelings.  How do I explain that?  I’m open to suggestions.  Do I say anything or just let it go?  I feel like such a leper anyway because his family never asks me about how I’m feeling or how things are going for us.  I guess they are afraid of the answer.  This, coupled with the lack of invite to the baby shower, made me feel even worse.

Finally, I’ve spent every minute of every day since we went to the adoption information session trying to figure out how to come up with the money we need.  I’m at a loss.  I told Hubby I wanted to wait until January to try and work something out but I can’t stop thinking about it.  I just don’t know if we can get anyone to cosign on a loan for us – if we can even get a loan. 

As a result of all of this…in my head, there is a constant voice on a continuous loop that keeps saying, “let it go, it’s over, there is no way you are going to have another baby, just let it go, the boys were it, just let it go and move on.”

God, I’m tired.

I’m Back…

from the Motherland.  CA was a blast.  I visited with all my friends and family…sadly, it came to an end too quickly.  I have other news about my mother….that will need to be a separate post.

My father’s wedding was Saturday and it was lovely…hot, but lovely.  I cried on the way home thinking that my boys should have been there, what would they have worn, how would they have handled the heat…no one saw me. 

Well, if we are being honest….

I cried quite a bit this past week.  I cried thinking about getting on the plane – wishing I had the impossible task of keeping twins busy for a 6 hour flight.  I cried thinking about how they would have loved the zoo.  Again, no one saw me.  I was afraid people would think I was doing it for attention or looking for something to be sad over.  My life should be different than it is and I know I can’t change what’s happened and I am still so sad and angry and frustrated.

Sorry, this is not one of my eloquent posts.

Good news!  I did go for an ultrasound this morning – 6 happy little follicles…Those of you IVFr’s will think this is not a good number but you have to remember, I’m not taking this drug for the reasons people normally take this drug…I am doing it to increase the number of eggs in the hopes that at least one egg per cycle will have the correct amount of genetic material to be viable.  Dr. S was pleasantly surprised and continuing to stick with the program….

I actually feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. 

I might just get my healthy, living, breathing baby.

Passive/Aggressive, Table for 1

So my mom responded to my letter.  She actually responded on Saturday but I didn’t respond because I was helping out a friend who is going through a very rough time right now.  I also didn’t want to respond to my mother before Hubby and I went to therapy.  Dr. J read the response from my mother and agreed with me.  While she’s not angry or mad or anything like that, I would call it a “non-response.”  What do I mean by that?  She doesn’t take any responsibility for the things she said.  She doesn’t apologize.  It’s a lot of “I’m sorry if you think I hurt you.”  That’s not a real apology, that’s not really acknowledging that my feelings are hurt.  That’s sort of like someone shooting you in the stomach and then saying, “I’m sorry if you think I shot you…”  All the while, they are holding a smoking gun. 

She says a lot of things like, “I’m used to having to get over things…”  Why she says that, I don’t know because I didn’t tell her to get over it.  I told her that I knew she was upset and disappointed and I was sorry for that.  I apologized to her for something that, looking back, I shouldn’t have apologized for.  I had no idea that I was supposed to come for a visit.  We never discussed it.  How can I come if I don’t know I was supposed to and then how can she be angry with me for not coming?  She admitted that her main complaint was that she feels everyone else knows what is going on my life but not her.  Also, her reasoning for not recognizing the week the boys died was because she didn’t want to remind me.  Really.  Damn, she’s totally right.  I completely forget the worst day of my life.  How astute of her to want to protect me from that.* 

She launched into a lot of her normal possessive language as well.  Lots of “you are MY child and I have the right to worry about you.”  Fine.  Worry about me all you want but don’t make me feel bad or hurt my feelings.   Despite being my mother, you don’t have the right to do that.

So I haven’t yet responded.  I don’t know what to say.  As a result, she sent me another email that she’s disappointed that she hasn’t heard from me since the email.  I emailed her back and said, “I’m thinking of how I want to respond.”  Her response was, “fine.  I won’t bother you again.”

And hello Mrs. Passive Aggressive, welcome back.  I missed you for the whole 10 seconds you were gone from my life.  Can I show you to your table so that you may begin making me feel bad again?  Great.  Thanks.**

So the long and short of it is, I don’t think the letter did anything in terms of her changing her behavior.  It did, however, make me decide that I’m not taking this behavior from her anymore.

*I get very sarcastic when I am angry.

** Okay, really, really sarcastic.

Crickets…

So I sent the letter on Monday.   I have not heard from my mother yet.  Total silence.  I thought she would call last night and while I don’t think I would have answered, I was really surprised that she didn’t call…sigh….I don’t know what to do…I guess there isn’t anything to do but wait…she’s pissed at me, I know it…Do I regret sending the letter?  Nope.

We have an appointment to see the RE in about a week to discuss “super-ovulation.”  A woman on the Balanced Translocation Yahoo Group who has the same translocation that I do emailed me that her RE wouldn’t do the super-ovulation because, like me, she got pregnant easily.  People with my type of translocation are the most common and it’s the least severe in terms of how it effects staying pregnant.*  Yeah me.  Anywho, her RE said that she would not do the super-ovulation because if she kept trying, eventually one would stick.  This is why IVF with Pre-genetic diagnosis is not recommended for me either.  The cost does not justify the benefit.  And the great news is, she now has two children, just like I got pregnant with the boys.  Great.  Groovy.  So I’m supposed to  just keep trying.  This is not a third child that I am trying for here people – I don’t have any other living children to look at and think, “I’m okay with one.”  I would have stopped at the boys if they had lived.  I’m not being greedy.  I want the universe to understand that.  I’m not being greedy…just…OH COME ON!!! (fist is raised in the air and I am looking up…)

So I keep trying and it’s loss after loss.  I’m pregnant for 2 weeks then I’m not.  I don’t even get excited over a positive HPT anymore.  If it’s not a super-dark positive line, chances are, it’s not sticking.  I don’t even call the doctor – I don’t plan to until I hit the 9 week mark (I’ve gotten to 8 weeks twice now, I figure I make it to 9, then I will get excited..or not).  I just monitor my symptoms in case of an ectopic pregnancy and usually, one day I wake up and I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  And this is my life, over and over again.  Watching people around me get pregnant, have babies and move forward.  I’m stuck here in a cycle of loss that feels never ending.

My RE will  probably say no to the super-ovulation but I have to ask.  For my peace of mind, I have to ask.

*There is a whole world of this out there involving Robertsonian Translocations and break points and trisomy 13, 18, Down’s Syndrome.  If you are interested, email me but it’s a lesson in Genetics and my recall from college has been really tested….

Envy

So not only do I envy people who can stand up-wind of their significant others and get pregnant and people who have children already but now, I am starting to envy people who can actually DO something to create their own children – well, other than the obvious.  People who can engage in IVF or take Clomid or whatever – at least they can take some action.  Now granted, I understand it’s expensive and hard both mentally and physically to deal with – I am not so naive to think that it’s all sunshine and roses.  I’ve read everyone’s blog and understand the pain and disappointment of each failed cycle.  I can’t do anything but wait and keep trying and then when I do get pregnant, there’s a good chance it will end in miscarriage.  There is nothing out there – nothing attainable at least – that can help hubby and I have a child quicker than what we are already doing.  I just have to be patient and wait and stay hopeful that it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. 

I’m losing hope with each passing month.

On a related note, Hubby and I are going to visit his mother in about 2 weeks.  We had a reprieve at Christmas because I had just miscarried and I was not ready to see my SIL’s new baby.  We agreed to come up for a weekend and hang out.  Now, my SIL (and her 3 kids – including new baby) want to come for a couple of days while we are there.  Hubby seems fine with it but it just makes me anxious and sad and angry.  I’m a bad person, I know and I tried to tell him I was uncomfortable but all he said was, “she understands what you are going through but really wants to see us.”

If she understood, she wouldn’t force her perfect little family on me.   She can’t possibly understand – few people can.  I’ll just suck it up and go – me and my fucked up chromosomes that keep screwing up our chances of having a baby – I hate this.

Survived Thanksgiving

Since this blog is all about my ability to survive things that have happened this past year (blah), I thought I would let you all know that yes, indeed, I survived Thanksgiving with my family.  Hubby and I left Thursday morning instead of Wednesday night mainly because the traffic out of Raleigh towards the beach is BAD on the Wednesday before turkey day – last year it was awful trying to get to the ‘Boro (Swansboro for those of you not in the “know”) – a 2 and 1/2 hour trip took us nearly 4 hours last year….no, not happening.

Got to the ‘Boro, hung with Mom who managed to not say anything inappropriate or mean to me (she did call Hubby “shit for brains” or something close, I didn’t actually hear all of what she said), and we headed over to the family’s house for dinner.  We ate, drank, played board games, went home, went to bed and were back in Holly Springs by 3:30 on Friday afternoon.  I call it “Tag Team Turkey Day” – get in, get out, get it over with.

It was awesome.

Spent the rest of the weekend in my jammies, cleaning house, making our own turkey, destroying stuffing (don’t ask), shopping online, sleeping until noon (for some reason I am super-duper tired, my stomach is sick and I’m hot all the time – probably food poisoning or early menopause) and going to see “Twilight” (you will be sadly disappointed).

Only cried twice and no one asked me what I am “thankful” for this year.

I survived.

Now, just to get through Christmas……..

Apprehension

So this is probably going to be my last post until Monday.  Michelle is coming in the morning and we are headed out on Friday, I think, to go to the beach and then the family reunion.  Every day that it gets closer and closer, I get more and more apprehensive.  It’s silly, they are my family but I’m just still so anxious around people.  I was hoping it would be better with yoga and meditation but so far, nothing has changed.

Both Michelle and Hubby have told me repeatedly that we don’t need to go but I want to – it’s just that I don’t want to.

Sort of like getting pregnant again, huh?

Stop by on Monday for the full blown report.

Social Anxiety Disorder or Just Nuts?

So I may have mentioned that I get a little freaked out around “people.”  It’s not so much strangers but people who know that I was pregnant and know what happened.  I still have a tiny voice in my head that tells me that someone thinks I did something to cause the death of the boys and that they think it was my fault that the boys died.  It’s not rational but hey, I’m not known for my rationality – just ask my hubby.

I finally agreed to attend the family reunion in October.  I haven’t seen much of my family since the loss of the babies and in fact, I don’t think any of them actually saw me pregnant.  I had planned to visit for Easter but was on bed rest and then Mother’s Day, well, I wasn’t in the mood for company.  Part of me feels like if I go to the reunion, I have to come for Thanksgiving and then there is Christmas.  I feel like if we attend events at my families’ house, we have go to hubby’s families’ house for Christmas and I can’t do it.  His cousin’s baby will be 3 months old, his sister’s baby will be 2 months old…our babies would have been 4 months old.  They had Christmas outfits with reindeer faces on the butt….it’s not fucking fair!  See?  Not the best attitude for Christmas.

But I am going to the reunion because Cousin Jen-Jen will be there and Michelle is flying out.  I am only going because Michelle agreed to come.  Otherwise, I don’t think that Jen-Jen and Hubby are enough of an arsenal to protect me from the stupid things that people will say.  Not so much the family but people who come 5 minutes before dinner is served and leave 10 minutes after.  They don’t help set up and they sure as hell don’t stay for clean up but for some reason they have no problem saying, “Martha, when you and Hubby gonna get knocked up?”  That was last year and I can’t guarantee that they will pull their heads out of their asses or lift their faces from their troughs long enough to remember that my babies died.

And therefore, every time I think about going, I feel like the room is closing in on me….

I’m Placing My Order Now….

So to continue where I left off last week, my mother called last Wednesday night to see if Hubby and I were coming for the family reunion in October.  I said that I wasn’t sure.  I’m just not really sure I am ready to spend a lot of time with a lot of people.  My mother’s answer, “these aren’t people, they are family.”  Oh really? Because it’s usually a ton of people that my mother, aunt and uncle know who show up about 10 minutes before it’s time to eat, eat a ton of food that we have worked all day to prepare and then bail about an hour later and not offer to help clean up.  The folks that are related to me are there all day and stay to clean up and make up about 20 of the 100 people who show up.  I don’t have a lot of loyalty to those people.

My mother says to me, “well, let me just say this.  I am your mother.”

Um, okay, what the hell does that mean?  And then my mother launches into a huge lecture about how I am disappointing her, my family and anybody else by not coming, that I am being selfish by secluding myself at home with hubby and by not letting the people who love me comfort…So I said to her, “look, I can barely get in and out of Trader Joe’s, Target or anywhere else where there are a lot of people, especially children.  It’s all I can do most days to get to work.  If I feel up to it, I will come but I am not going to let you make me feel obligated to go just so people can “comfort” me.”

So my mother says, “fine, just think about it.”  And then she says, “so you and hubby are trying again?”  Now, I am not sure if this was a question or if she really knew that we were wanting to have another baby so I said, “yes, we are working on having another baby.”

“Well,” she says, “I am placing my order now, I want a little girl.”

Dead silence on my end.  Really, I think, you are really going to say that to me after I have lost 2 little boys?  Really?  Like the fact that they were boys means it’s okay that they died because you wanted a little girl.  See, she did this before.  When I told her I was pregnant, she called back to tell me she wanted a little girl.  Then when we found out they were twins, she told me she wanted twin little girls.  Then when they turned out to be boys, she didn’t say anything, didn’t ask names, nothing.  She was disappointed.

“Martha, are you there?” she asks.

“Yes, I am here.  What do want me to say?  That I will have a little girl to make you happy?  What the hell, Mom?  I just want a baby who is alive and breathing.  Let’s just hope for that, okay?”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic,” she says, “I was just joking.  Are you pregnant?”

OH MY FUCKING GOD.  I am in hell.  Hell. 

“No Mom, I’m not.”

“Well, do you think this time, I can be the first to know?  I mean, last time, EVERYBODY else knew before I did.  I am your mother.”

Again with the “I am your mother” crap.  It’s as if by saying that, she thinks she has a license to treat me like crap.

“No, you can not be the first to know, Hubby will be the first to know and  you were not the last person to know last time, you were the second or third person to know.  In fact, despite my repeated requests that you NOT disclose our news about our pregnancy, you told the entire family on Christmas eventhough it was not your news to tell.  How would it be possible for you to be the last person to know if you told everyone?  Why does it matter when you know?”

She says, “I was not the second person to know, Hubby’s mother was.”  See, my mother is in constant competition with Hubby’s mother, a lovely woman who my mother has met once at the wedding dispite repeated invites to a bridal shower thrown by MIL and a bridal luncheon the day of the wedding also thrown by MIL.  My mother refused to attend either, giving no reason why.

“Mom, I am done with this conversation.  I don’t want to talk about this, it doesn’t matter.  I need to go make dinner.  I will talk to you later.”

“Martha, I don’t know why you are being so hostile, you just do whatever you want and damn the consequences, right?”

“Mom, I am hanging up.”

And I did.