Maybe We Jumped the Gun….

January 7, 2009

So last night, Hubby admitted that he thinks we made a mistake in trying again this month so soon after the miscarriage.  He is frustrated and stressed and it’s making him angry all the time.  He then thinks that I am going to blame him if we don’t get pregnant this month or think that a month off is wasted time.  Then he gets angry when I tell him that the only person I blame is me – it’s my genetic issue that is the cause of all of our problems.  He is trying so hard to take care of me that I think he has forgotten how to take care of himself.  He also thinks that all our future happiness depends on having a baby – that I can’t be happy ever again unless we have a child.  He is wrong.  I’m to the point now where my happiness is a day by day thing – my whole existence is not clouded by the death of the twins like it was 6 months ago.  I cried over the miscarriage but was also relieved to have been pregnant again.  I’m happiest when he and I spend time together, when we go to the zoo, to the movies, to the park.  When we read together or nap.  I am happy then.  I can’t really think in terms of a “global” happiness.  Maybe that’s depression talking.  I don’t know.  I know haven’t been the most emotional stable individual the past couple of months but have felt like I was moving forward – getting better.  I have good days and bad days but the good ones are starting to out number the bad.

And maybe it’s hubby’s turn to meltdown and I need to be the cheerleader like he has been for me the last couple of months.  I’m fine to do that but I just don’t want him to give up on having a baby.

The thing is, I am hopeful that we will get pregnant (and stay that way) this year.  I really am.  I have my bad days where I cry because I miss the boys or because I am thinking about what might have been but I started this year hopeful.  Something that I need hubby to understand – and I don’t think he does – as much as this year has sucked big time, it’s only been a year.  We have had 3 pregnancies in a year.  Eventually the law of averages will work in our favor – it did once with the boys – they didn’t have the translocated chromosome and it will happen again.  See?  That’s hope.

We decided last night that we are going to take next month off and relax and then start again new, with a fresh prespective.  We are also going to get a referral for counseling along with the referral for the RE.


3 Responses to “Maybe We Jumped the Gun….”

  1. hisaak Says:

    I just wanted to encourage you … after our last miscarraige my husband flat out determined that we were never going to try again. I panicked. A week later he was ready again – I honestly think that it is their way of trying to have some control over something they really don’t have control over. And their way of grieving. Enjoy the month break – trying every month can be mentally draining!

  2. Freda Says:

    You guys sound like a strong couple. I think taking a break is a good idea if only to ease up on the pressure you are both putting on yourselves. Like you said, maybe he needed time to lose it and have you be the cheerleader.

  3. Jaded Says:

    my husband has his meltdowns to and they are quite sporadic. but when his has them: look out! he jokes about them by saying that this is his version of PMS!

    about waiting…that is hard. it is hard to put your dream on hold – for even a month. but it’s good when it’s a mutual choice.

    we are waiting until september of this year…we want to make sure that I will be covered by the F.MLA A.ct when I am pregnant. Because i will need time off and I don’t want to lose my job again.

    i was really interested in what you had to say about whether or not pregnancy and a healthy baby was your only path to happiness. coincidentally i found myself wondering that today, and sadly (at least today) pregnancy seems to be the only path.

    …on another note I am so glad you are going to a therapist…give us an update.

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