Opening Up…

July 30, 2009

It’s getting easier to talk about the boys.  I noticed yesterday when I relayed the story of the “induction discussion” to the therapist, I didn’t cry, I didn’t get angry…I just told her how it bothered me but that I wasn’t surprised, people outside of my “invisible army” (thanks MisterIVF, I think that’s going to stick) don’t understand but that I would just try and let it roll off my back…I talked a lot about how I feel horrible for the time that Hubby spent alone while I was gorked out on morphine but I did so without falling completely apart. 

I do, however, I feel like grief is cyclical and that I might just be a mess tomorrow or Monday or whenever…I don’t know…I keep getting my hopes up that the pain will be less intense but then it smacks me upside the head.  Sucks.  The boys first birthday would be next week…sigh.  K and I are going to lunch.  I’m lucky to have her.  I’m lucky to have all of you in real life and in the bloggy world.

I heard an author talking about her poetry on NPR yesterday.  She wrote a book to cope with the grief and loss after the murder of her daughter called, “Slamming Open the Door.”  She read a poem she wrote about things that you don’t say to someone who was grieving….it was sad and funny and very relatable for me…I sat in the parking lot of the Harris Teeter and cried and laughed as she read it.  I ordered it from Amazon, I will keep you posted.

I found a piece of jewelry I want.  I was going to ask Hubby for it for my birthday but I think I will just order it for myself.  I’m a little afraid he will think it’s dumb or silly or that I’m wallowing…not that he would say that but he worries about my mental health (probably rightly so) and I don’t like making him worry.  Anywho, it’s neat stuff and I corresponded with the artist to get her to make some changes to the pieces so they would be perfect for the boys.  I love the keychain that K got me and it made me realize that I was okay to have something that commemorates them.  I’ll post the link to the artist soon…


3 Responses to “Opening Up…”

  1. Kate Says:

    I’m glad to hear about your therapy appointment and that it went well. Every little step forward is a huge accomplishment, and yes grief is cyclical. One day you think the worst is past, and then suddenly it hits you as though anew. I’ve heard about the book of poetry you mentioned. I will have to order it from my library.

    What is the website you’re getting the jewelry from? I’ve been wanting to do that too for some time and can’t find a good place.

  2. Rebekah Says:

    I have a necklace with Levi’s handprint & bracelet with his name- I love them both! I tend to fidget with my necklace when I get really stressed. My husband didn’t understand it at first but I think he views it differently now.

  3. KB Says:

    I bought myself a necklace for FB. A very simple hammered silver piece that is very powerful for me to wear.

    I think talking about the boys without the tears is healthy – a good sign of all the inner work you’ve been doing. I think, too, if you do cry when talking about them that’s ok as well.

    My grief is not linear in any fashion. Perhaps more cyclical as you said or spiraling or rolling or any combination of shapes and sensations. And then there are triggers I can’t even anticipate like driving home form the hospital being grateful that my husband didn’t die, but still wondering why my baby died or feeling so overwhelmed with constant fears that continue every day only they’re different fears about other things, but still related and everything gets all mixed up and somehow comes back to the exhaustion of learning to live after the loss. We just do the best we can.

    You’re doing your personal best!

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