Alternate Universe

February 16, 2009

Okay, so this may sound crazy but I have something to share (mainly in the hopes that other people have had this happen and I am not really crazy).  I still have thoughts of the boys.  Except they aren’t dead in these thoughts.  It’s like they are memories that I have yet to have or memories that I didn’t have or couldn’t possible have had…I have these visions of what life should be like – me getting up to feed them, playing with them, changing diapers.  Just this morning I was loading dishes into the dishwasher and I thought, “I should be loading baby bottles in here…”  I have looked in my rear view mirror and imagined that they are back there in their car seats.  It’s been nearly a year – a year since my world stopped.  I just don’t feel like I can get it started again.  I get up, eat, work, swim, go to yoga, eat again, and go to bed.  I go to dinner with Hubby, go to lunch with the girls, go to therapy dog training.  I pee on ovulation tests, pee on pregnancy tests, get blood drawn but now, not only do I long for another baby, I still long for those boys.  It’s like I have doubled my pain. 

I want my old life back but in my old life, I didn’t have the boys either.  They didn’t exist then.  I just feel so stuck.


8 Responses to “Alternate Universe”

  1. Angela Says:

    I feel validated everytime I read one of your posts because I now know that there is someone else out there who has felt the same way I have. I go through this phase all the time. I wish neither one of us did.

  2. Amy Says:

    You are not looney tunes. I too see memories that never happened. I can almost feel the memories too. As you stated the rearview mirror check, that is a common one. I mostly see my alternate universe when I am in social settings, where friends have their little ones and I know Liam should be there too. It is like the movies where the scene is occuring, but the soft dream scene is played at the same time.

    Starbucks in East Gate huh? I’ll remember that!

  3. Jaded Says:

    I go through my phases too…first it was looking in the rear view mirror. Now it’s waking up in the morning and wishing I had a nursery to tip-toe too in order to catch my baby stirring. no such thing of course, not that the thoughts and hopes have ceased.

  4. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    I feel exactly the same way. When I fold laundry, I think about the fact that I should have been doing their laundry. Or I’ve thought about nights when I’ve had to stay late and told myself if our baby was here I couldn’t have stayed late because I would have had to p/u the baby at daycare. It’s not weird, just one of those sad and painful parts of our reality. I wish there was something I could do to change both of our realities. Hang in there sweetie.

  5. tntstanifer Says:

    Nope, you’re not crazy, promise! As you know, I went on to have a little girl after losing Franklin. After she was born and we were home from the hospital and things had quieted down as far as visitors and such, I remember one particular night, I was nursing Erin and I looked down and ALL I saw was Franklin nursing. At first, I lived the fantasy and just enjoyed the closeness and the smells and the sounds with my eyes closed. But then reality struck and I just sobbed and sobbed. I realized there is no replacing what we’ve lost. EVER! Hugs!!!!

  6. amy Says:

    Had one today on the plane. There was little 17 month old Liam, on my lap. Jeans, blond curls… Then he was gone.

    Of course there was a young boy, maybe 12 months old, being chased up and down the isles. Blond hair, heartbreakingly cute. Sigh. That should be me walking Liam on the plane to keep him occupied….

  7. KB Says:

    I know you feel stuck, but you ARE NOT stuck. Stuck people don’t leave the house. They don’t “try” again. They don’t talk about their feelings in appropriate ways.

    I think your feelings are very normal and I think you are doing a great job! I think what you have been thorugh and what you currently are going through is unfair – a horribly painful and difficult place to be. In a way, your pain is increased b/c now you’re not just dealing w/ the loss of your babies, but you have the added uncertainty of your future and the added stress of subsequent pregnancies. It is a painfully uncertain place to be.

    I think, too, that you’re doing as best as you can. I believe in you and your resiliency. I sent you an e-mail and am waiting to know how you are. I’ve been thinking about you all weekend.

  8. Laura Lohr Says:

    I don’t think you are crazy at all, perfectly normal. I find myself at a loss for words right now, but know that my thoughts are with you. ((((many hugs))))

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