The Should Be’s and the Should’ves….

January 5, 2009

So I have been having a lot of “should be’s and should’ves” this weekend….I should be struggling with 5 month old twin boys – happily exhausted and pulling my hair out.  I should be waking up every 2 hours for feedings and changings.  I should be handling this loss better.  I should’ve handled the disagreement with Hubby without resorting to tears (which I know makes him sad and frustrated).  I should’ve done something to prevent the miscarriage 2 weeks ago.  I should be more positive.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know whether I am coming or going.  I barely look people in the eye for fear they will see my tears and *gasp* ask me “what’s wrong?”  I mumble “thank you” to the people at Starbucks or Barnes and Nobles or Trader Joe’s (and that right there is the sum total of all the places I go besides work and the gym) and run to get out of the store as quickly as possible.  I feel like I have taken 4 steps back to right after I lost the boys.  I don’t want to eat (except for licorice).  I don’t want to do work.  I want to lay on the couch and sleep and read books about other people’s lives.  People whose babies don’t die.  People who can stay pregnant longer than 22 weeks.

I need to be positive that I will be pregnant again soon and this time, it will stick for longer than the last 2 times but I just can’t.  I’m trying, really trying.

What the hell am I going to do?  I can’t keep living this way.


3 Responses to “The Should Be’s and the Should’ves….”

  1. whataboutmyeggs Says:

    I go through those same should have and could have, and what if’s. But its the way I grieve. They way I grieve for the pregnancy that I lost, and the ones that I never had at all. But just by reading your posts, I know that you have remarkable strength and a great DH. The rest will follow. Keep your head up. And if you’re ever having one of those days, remember that you’re not alone. Take care Martha.

  2. Frances Says:

    You keep pushing… You keep telling Fate “F@#K YOU!!! You are not going to beat me”. You stop beating yourself up over the bad days. And celebrate the not so bad days. ILUMLD

  3. Freda Says:

    Starbucks? Barnes & Noble? Trader Joes? Is there anywhere else important enough to go to? My favorite places in the whole world…

    Seriously though, I think it’s the letdown after the holidays that are making you feel that you’ve stepped back 4 paces. I get sad when I reality sets in after the holidays.

    That being said, I am not saying that is all and you should be chipper in no time. I know things are nowhere near that simple.

    I’m just saying I love ya and hope that this new year brings many joys to your life. You deserve it.

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