April 22, 2009

So I sent the letter on Monday.   I have not heard from my mother yet.  Total silence.  I thought she would call last night and while I don’t think I would have answered, I was really surprised that she didn’t call…sigh….I don’t know what to do…I guess there isn’t anything to do but wait…she’s pissed at me, I know it…Do I regret sending the letter?  Nope.

We have an appointment to see the RE in about a week to discuss “super-ovulation.”  A woman on the Balanced Translocation Yahoo Group who has the same translocation that I do emailed me that her RE wouldn’t do the super-ovulation because, like me, she got pregnant easily.  People with my type of translocation are the most common and it’s the least severe in terms of how it effects staying pregnant.*  Yeah me.  Anywho, her RE said that she would not do the super-ovulation because if she kept trying, eventually one would stick.  This is why IVF with Pre-genetic diagnosis is not recommended for me either.  The cost does not justify the benefit.  And the great news is, she now has two children, just like I got pregnant with the boys.  Great.  Groovy.  So I’m supposed to  just keep trying.  This is not a third child that I am trying for here people – I don’t have any other living children to look at and think, “I’m okay with one.”  I would have stopped at the boys if they had lived.  I’m not being greedy.  I want the universe to understand that.  I’m not being greedy…just…OH COME ON!!! (fist is raised in the air and I am looking up…)

So I keep trying and it’s loss after loss.  I’m pregnant for 2 weeks then I’m not.  I don’t even get excited over a positive HPT anymore.  If it’s not a super-dark positive line, chances are, it’s not sticking.  I don’t even call the doctor – I don’t plan to until I hit the 9 week mark (I’ve gotten to 8 weeks twice now, I figure I make it to 9, then I will get excited..or not).  I just monitor my symptoms in case of an ectopic pregnancy and usually, one day I wake up and I don’t feel pregnant anymore.  And this is my life, over and over again.  Watching people around me get pregnant, have babies and move forward.  I’m stuck here in a cycle of loss that feels never ending.

My RE will  probably say no to the super-ovulation but I have to ask.  For my peace of mind, I have to ask.

*There is a whole world of this out there involving Robertsonian Translocations and break points and trisomy 13, 18, Down’s Syndrome.  If you are interested, email me but it’s a lesson in Genetics and my recall from college has been really tested….


9 Responses to “Crickets…”

  1. Rebekah Says:

    I blew up at my sister after Levi’s death and while I wish things were different between us I don’t really regret it either. We haven’t really had a relationship since then (though it wasn’t strong before either) but at this moment it’s easier for me to deal with the stress of not talking to her than the stress of talking to her. I’m so sorry for all the subsequent losses- I’m glad you’ve found someone to relate to medically but wish there was news other than just keep trying. (((hugs)))

  2. stacey Says:

    I am just so sorry that you are going through this over and over again. While I understand recurrent miscarriage, I don’t claim to understand how you feel here and I cannot imagine it. I really do hope that the RE will hear you out and that you can work together to come up with the best plan of action.

    Thinking of you today.

  3. amylynn Says:

    Hey thanks for stopping by my blog, seems we have a lot in common. My RE is at Duke and I have been very happy with him.. He is my 3rd RE so I have shopped around. Like you I have not had a problem getting pregnant just staying that way. My RE has put me on Femara to get me to ovulate more and sooner in my cycle. If you RE doesn’t listen to your needs you might consider changing. Good Luck and I will keep checking your blog.

  4. Frances Says:

    I have to concur with Rebekah. Sometimes the stress of NOT talking can be easier to bear than the stress of talking. I thought your letter was articulate, honest, sincere and thoughtful of her feelings (to a point). There really is nothing for her to be “angry” about. And if she is, well that’s her problem. The only way that you can continue to overcome your obstacles is by ridding yourself of the unnecessary stress in your life. We shouldn’t feel that our thoughts and emotions are burdens to our loved ones. We should feel support no matter what. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she will respond appropriately. If so then perhaps I can find hope as well.

  5. Frances Says:

    and by (to a point) I mean to the level that she deserved your thoughtfulness. Actually you offered more than she deserved in my book.

  6. Cindy Says:

    Sometimes, crickets can be good. Keeping you in my thoughts!

  7. Laura Lohr Says:

    So sorry about your mom. I cannot speak to your situation exactly. I know that through a lot of visits with the counselor and a lot of “defining boundaries,” moments. Sometimes, I think, the silent moments are better. People need time to truly craft the foundational response to build from or feel good about (on both sides). I am glad that you are bouncing ideas off a counselor, in a time like this. What a blessing it has been for us in our toughest times!

    ♥ in SK, Laura

  8. Laura Lohr Says:

    I meant, “I know that through a lot of visits with the counselor and a lot of “defining boundaries,” moments, things have gotten better.”

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