I’m Placing My Order Now….

September 2, 2008

So to continue where I left off last week, my mother called last Wednesday night to see if Hubby and I were coming for the family reunion in October.  I said that I wasn’t sure.  I’m just not really sure I am ready to spend a lot of time with a lot of people.  My mother’s answer, “these aren’t people, they are family.”  Oh really? Because it’s usually a ton of people that my mother, aunt and uncle know who show up about 10 minutes before it’s time to eat, eat a ton of food that we have worked all day to prepare and then bail about an hour later and not offer to help clean up.  The folks that are related to me are there all day and stay to clean up and make up about 20 of the 100 people who show up.  I don’t have a lot of loyalty to those people.

My mother says to me, “well, let me just say this.  I am your mother.”

Um, okay, what the hell does that mean?  And then my mother launches into a huge lecture about how I am disappointing her, my family and anybody else by not coming, that I am being selfish by secluding myself at home with hubby and by not letting the people who love me comfort…So I said to her, “look, I can barely get in and out of Trader Joe’s, Target or anywhere else where there are a lot of people, especially children.  It’s all I can do most days to get to work.  If I feel up to it, I will come but I am not going to let you make me feel obligated to go just so people can “comfort” me.”

So my mother says, “fine, just think about it.”  And then she says, “so you and hubby are trying again?”  Now, I am not sure if this was a question or if she really knew that we were wanting to have another baby so I said, “yes, we are working on having another baby.”

“Well,” she says, “I am placing my order now, I want a little girl.”

Dead silence on my end.  Really, I think, you are really going to say that to me after I have lost 2 little boys?  Really?  Like the fact that they were boys means it’s okay that they died because you wanted a little girl.  See, she did this before.  When I told her I was pregnant, she called back to tell me she wanted a little girl.  Then when we found out they were twins, she told me she wanted twin little girls.  Then when they turned out to be boys, she didn’t say anything, didn’t ask names, nothing.  She was disappointed.

“Martha, are you there?” she asks.

“Yes, I am here.  What do want me to say?  That I will have a little girl to make you happy?  What the hell, Mom?  I just want a baby who is alive and breathing.  Let’s just hope for that, okay?”

“Oh don’t be so dramatic,” she says, “I was just joking.  Are you pregnant?”

OH MY FUCKING GOD.  I am in hell.  Hell. 

“No Mom, I’m not.”

“Well, do you think this time, I can be the first to know?  I mean, last time, EVERYBODY else knew before I did.  I am your mother.”

Again with the “I am your mother” crap.  It’s as if by saying that, she thinks she has a license to treat me like crap.

“No, you can not be the first to know, Hubby will be the first to know and  you were not the last person to know last time, you were the second or third person to know.  In fact, despite my repeated requests that you NOT disclose our news about our pregnancy, you told the entire family on Christmas eventhough it was not your news to tell.  How would it be possible for you to be the last person to know if you told everyone?  Why does it matter when you know?”

She says, “I was not the second person to know, Hubby’s mother was.”  See, my mother is in constant competition with Hubby’s mother, a lovely woman who my mother has met once at the wedding dispite repeated invites to a bridal shower thrown by MIL and a bridal luncheon the day of the wedding also thrown by MIL.  My mother refused to attend either, giving no reason why.

“Mom, I am done with this conversation.  I don’t want to talk about this, it doesn’t matter.  I need to go make dinner.  I will talk to you later.”

“Martha, I don’t know why you are being so hostile, you just do whatever you want and damn the consequences, right?”

“Mom, I am hanging up.”

And I did.


4 Responses to “I’m Placing My Order Now….”

  1. Frankie Says:

    WOW..Just WOW and I thought my mother was difficult. I can remember recently my mother telling me how her mother said that your children when they are young fill your heart with joy and love and when the grow up they stomp on it until it breaks she then said that she never believed it until recently. To my face she said this! I’m determined to make it my Life’s focus to never lay the guilt trips, nor the limitless expectations to make her happy (and only her) on my children. It’s as if they forget that we are meant to go out into the world and be our own person. They forget that they only push us away when they try to control us. Hang in there Martha.

  2. Angela Says:

    uggh. i read your other post and didn’t know what to say…now this one!! i’m sorry, Martha. that is terrible. my older sister (who has a different mother than I) should win mother of the year award one of these years because she is a great mother. and you know why she is great? because she had the mother from hell when she was younger, until she met my mom. she went through so much heartache and abuse it was unbelievable. now, because of what she’s been through, she is extra careful to make sure her children NEVER have to go through what she did. and you will be the same. one day, when you’re going up to receive your mother of the year award because all your babies are happy and healthy, i’ll be standing in the crowd saying “see, I told you so!” 🙂 really though, all of this is going to make you appreciate your babies so much more when you have them – you will hold them tighter and spend more time playing with them because you know what it is to be a good mother. Keep your head up, hun

  3. KB Says:

    I feel for you. When my “so called” family doesn’t do what I need them to do to help support me now, I just feel like, “Can’t I get a friggin’ break anywhere!?” Sigh… I’m glad you have your hubby – he sounds like a gem!

    My MIL pulled that crap on us with Fiona – telling everyone that I was pregnant when we specifically told her to let us share the news ourselves. It was our joy to spread, not hers. Why do they do that? Grrr…

    And it IS so hard sometimes to go anywhere. I constantly feel surrounded by people with babies and children. They’re everywhere! They weren’t there before, or if they were, I didn’t notice them. Now I just feel surrounded – like swarms of babies are everywhere. That’s a tough one for me right now too. Whenever I see a happy little kid or a baby, I think, “What would my baby have looked like doing that?” I can’t say anything else except I understand that one.

  4. kbunsey Says:

    Since we don’t have a choice about what happened to us and about haing greif and lacking support from people we want and need it from, I’m trying to find things that I can do something about. Right now I’m thinking that we at least have a choice about how we work through this. I try to remind myself of that every day, sometimes, minute by minute if I have to. I have a choice about how I work through this. I don’t necessarily get to select my feelings, but I can decide what to do with them.

    It is hard work and I “get it” about what you’re saying. Please be sure you give your self a break from the hard work that you’re doing. I think you’re doing an excellent job.

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