Social Anxiety Disorder or Just Nuts?

September 24, 2008

So I may have mentioned that I get a little freaked out around “people.”  It’s not so much strangers but people who know that I was pregnant and know what happened.  I still have a tiny voice in my head that tells me that someone thinks I did something to cause the death of the boys and that they think it was my fault that the boys died.  It’s not rational but hey, I’m not known for my rationality – just ask my hubby.

I finally agreed to attend the family reunion in October.  I haven’t seen much of my family since the loss of the babies and in fact, I don’t think any of them actually saw me pregnant.  I had planned to visit for Easter but was on bed rest and then Mother’s Day, well, I wasn’t in the mood for company.  Part of me feels like if I go to the reunion, I have to come for Thanksgiving and then there is Christmas.  I feel like if we attend events at my families’ house, we have go to hubby’s families’ house for Christmas and I can’t do it.  His cousin’s baby will be 3 months old, his sister’s baby will be 2 months old…our babies would have been 4 months old.  They had Christmas outfits with reindeer faces on the butt….it’s not fucking fair!  See?  Not the best attitude for Christmas.

But I am going to the reunion because Cousin Jen-Jen will be there and Michelle is flying out.  I am only going because Michelle agreed to come.  Otherwise, I don’t think that Jen-Jen and Hubby are enough of an arsenal to protect me from the stupid things that people will say.  Not so much the family but people who come 5 minutes before dinner is served and leave 10 minutes after.  They don’t help set up and they sure as hell don’t stay for clean up but for some reason they have no problem saying, “Martha, when you and Hubby gonna get knocked up?”  That was last year and I can’t guarantee that they will pull their heads out of their asses or lift their faces from their troughs long enough to remember that my babies died.

And therefore, every time I think about going, I feel like the room is closing in on me….


2 Responses to “Social Anxiety Disorder or Just Nuts?”

  1. KB Says:

    Don’t go or go and stay only as long as you want to. Seriously! I’ve totally turned a new leaf with “shoulds” when it comes to family and in-laws. Well, honeslty, I let go of regualr attendance at my own family’s activities YEARS ago. I did a lot of shit w/ my in-laws b/c I was trying to be nice, make peace, do “the right thing” but F-it! Seriously. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, especially right now. Call me selfish, call me whatever, but I don’t have to sit around and watch my in-laws act like like themselves while I’m grieving. Maybe next year I’ll have a little more tolerance for it – probably not. You could go and just be cranky and however you happen to be that day. You might be OK. Who knows what we will be like at any given moment, right? Or you could use the Super Double Bubble of Pink Power Protection. Put your suit of pink power on, smile it up for as long as you can bare it and then get the hell out!

    PS – I still worry that people think I did something to hurt my baby. That is a distrotion of our trauma and isn’t helped by dumb people that say stuff like, “Be more careful next time.” Just remember that It Wasn’t Your Fault. You ARE a Great Mom and that you did EVERYTHING you were supposed to do and could have done. These things are out of our control – shitty as that is and scarier than hell to think – but they are. What you are feeling is a normal reaction to what happened, but you have to face it and tell that nagging bitch in your head to shove off! You are a GREAT MOMMY! I’m working on this too.

    Oh, and it is not fair! It is not fair at all.


  2. Frances Says:

    Now is the time that you need to stay the most positive about everything. Even if it comes down to the day of if it doesn’t feel like it’s a mountain you can climb don’t do it. If they don’t understand it’s THEIR problem. If you get there and it’s too much the same applies.

    As for the holidays. The our offer is still on the table.

    Ultimately do what’s right for you and the Hubby. Trust me this won’t be the first time you have to battle the family for what you feel is right when it comes to your own family.

    When that voice gets to you that’s when you should focus on those 100 things. By the way where are they?

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