March 3, 2009

So not only do I envy people who can stand up-wind of their significant others and get pregnant and people who have children already but now, I am starting to envy people who can actually DO something to create their own children – well, other than the obvious.  People who can engage in IVF or take Clomid or whatever – at least they can take some action.  Now granted, I understand it’s expensive and hard both mentally and physically to deal with – I am not so naive to think that it’s all sunshine and roses.  I’ve read everyone’s blog and understand the pain and disappointment of each failed cycle.  I can’t do anything but wait and keep trying and then when I do get pregnant, there’s a good chance it will end in miscarriage.  There is nothing out there – nothing attainable at least – that can help hubby and I have a child quicker than what we are already doing.  I just have to be patient and wait and stay hopeful that it’s going to happen sooner rather than later. 

I’m losing hope with each passing month.

On a related note, Hubby and I are going to visit his mother in about 2 weeks.  We had a reprieve at Christmas because I had just miscarried and I was not ready to see my SIL’s new baby.  We agreed to come up for a weekend and hang out.  Now, my SIL (and her 3 kids – including new baby) want to come for a couple of days while we are there.  Hubby seems fine with it but it just makes me anxious and sad and angry.  I’m a bad person, I know and I tried to tell him I was uncomfortable but all he said was, “she understands what you are going through but really wants to see us.”

If she understood, she wouldn’t force her perfect little family on me.   She can’t possibly understand – few people can.  I’ll just suck it up and go – me and my fucked up chromosomes that keep screwing up our chances of having a baby – I hate this.


6 Responses to “Envy”

  1. Cindy Says:

    Sweetie, you are NOT a bad person! You are someone who has gone through something I cannot imagine. Sending you love & hugs! And no, I don’t think she understands. :o(

  2. iambrowneyedgirl Says:

    No one can really understand what we go through. If this is a visit that you can’t avoid just know that you’ll probably spend most of your time holding back the tears. It will be horrible, but you’re strong. You’ll get through it. You’re in my thoughts.

  3. Amy Says:

    You are not a bad person. These things are so damn hard. You are doing the best you can.

    It was January 2008, 4 months after Liam died, that DH and I visited my family up north. I have an aunt, uncle and 3 cousins that live there. Each cousin has kids. My youngest cousin and I were pregnant together for a few month, her son being born soon after our visit. As you can imagine, the thought of being surrounded by all these kids, babies, and my pregnant cousin was overwhelming.

    We did well most of the time. It was after a family dinner, when all the kids were playing, the happy grandparents smiling on, that I lost it and cried in the bathroom. So much in that room both filled me with joy and stabbed my heart at the same time.

    My family was sensitive and understanding. They soon disperesed to their own homes, hugging us as they left. I wanted to see them, but did not want to all at the same time. They knew their growing families would cause us both joy and pain.

    I dont’ really have a point to this I guess. Just know you will get through it, probably with some tears and a heavy heart. But there may be moments of peace too. You never know. Sometimes the anticipation is far worse than the event itself.

    Good luck.

  4. Maricel Says:

    Hi Martha! How are you? Why don’t you just visit your MIL without seeing that SIL of yours with her 3 kids? Your hubby is so understanding that maybe he wont mind this idea. Concoct a reason why you cant come. I mean why do you have to live with it? You can avoid additional stress. Pay your MIL a surprise visit or something, without your SIL knowing. Just my two cents. On my end, because I dont want to be stressed, I scrapped the idea of seeing my “pseudo” in-laws. And I’m happy with it.

  5. Pants Says:

    I’m sorry you have to spend time with your SIL and her new baby, I would have a really difficult time with that as well. And hearing her say she understands but wants to see me? Well, that would just piss me off.

  6. Jaded Says:


    please don’t be a bad person, because then i am far worse! i felt the same way when my SIL came over with her two boys – the 4 year old and the 11 month old that ‘should not have lived’ but somehow did. it killed me over and over to have seen him, but i now feel like it was a necessary hurdle and now i am stronger for it.
    about the ivf and other fertility methods – i hear you. really. because nothing can help us on our end either. we have to get pregnant and then wait and see. i hate it. but then i remember – at least i can have children. and then i remember that people who do ivf and other costly endeavors mortgage their homes and give up their life savings and choose to work for this worthy dream. and i pick myself up out of the gutter and carry on – all 100 times a day.

    hugs and big ones too.

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