Thoughts….

October 15, 2009

Day 39 of my cycle and no period and 2 negative HPTs.  I got all excited because I was queasy and my breasts hurt (still do actually) and I’m tired…damn universe, she’s such a bitch.  I’ve never gone this long without a period (except when I was pregnant).  My guess is that I didn’t ovulate last month because of the flu.  I had the flu the same time I should have ovulated and I thought that I didn’t get a positive OPK because I tested too late (because I was sick with the flu).  It is what it is, right?

I didn’t get invited to a baby shower and it really hurt my feelings.  I wouldn’t go – actually, my best friend is coming into town and I couldn’t go – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want the invite.  I think, because this was an accidental pregnancy, the person thinks I’m judging her.  I’m not.  I don’t have the energy to judge.  It just hurt my feelings.

Also, Hubby’s cousin is pregnant and everyone thought it best to hide it from me until there was no possible way of hiding it from me any longer as she showed up at his mother’s house when we were there this past weekend.  Thing is, I already knew.  I had known for a while.  Facebook does not hide secrets well.  But what if I hadn’t known?  They would have just sprung it on me 5 minutes before she showed up?  That doesn’t seem fair.  I just want people to be honest with me and let me deal with the situation.  Anyway, it hurt me more than I can explain to them so I didn’t.  It made the visit with L more awkward then it needed to be because L didn’t know that I previously knew she was pregnant so she’s holding pillow over her stomach trying to hide it.  Finally, I said something about her being pregnant and she was more open about it.  She wouldn’t even get up to hug me.  I cried all night because I hate the idea that his family thinks I’m too crazy to deal with L and her pregnancy.  Thing is, L is probably one of my favorite people in Hubby’s family.  She’s the most similar to us in our views – both political and religious and when I was there getting ready to go to CHOP, she was really comforting and kind.  Everytime we visit she makes an effort to stop by and see us.  The whole situation just made me feel alone and isolated and really uncomfortable despite the fact that I know the family was only trying to spare my feelings.  How do I explain that?  I’m open to suggestions.  Do I say anything or just let it go?  I feel like such a leper anyway because his family never asks me about how I’m feeling or how things are going for us.  I guess they are afraid of the answer.  This, coupled with the lack of invite to the baby shower, made me feel even worse.

Finally, I’ve spent every minute of every day since we went to the adoption information session trying to figure out how to come up with the money we need.  I’m at a loss.  I told Hubby I wanted to wait until January to try and work something out but I can’t stop thinking about it.  I just don’t know if we can get anyone to cosign on a loan for us – if we can even get a loan. 

As a result of all of this…in my head, there is a constant voice on a continuous loop that keeps saying, “let it go, it’s over, there is no way you are going to have another baby, just let it go, the boys were it, just let it go and move on.”

God, I’m tired.

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8 Responses to “Thoughts….”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Oh, I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m sorry that you’re having those “Oh, could I be pregnant?” symptoms/feelings but not getting a positive HPT. (Could you have ovulated really late? That’s what would be going through my mind.)

    I’m sorry that you weren’t invited to that baby shower. Sometimes I think the only thing worse that being invited to baby showers is NOT being invited because they think you can’t handle it or don’t want to attend. I know I always want to be able to make that decision, and I don’t want to be left out because I’m some freak or loser.

    And I’m sorry about the family hiding the cousin’s pregnancy. That is terrible. I know what you mean in that you don’t want people to treat you like you’re some crazy person. You’re not a crazy person. You’re a woman who has been through more than any woman should have to go through, but that doesn’t make you crazy. Hang in there – sending you big hugs today.

  2. Amber Says:

    It’s like you pull the thoughts right out of my head sometimes. I’m so sorry for your losses and the problems you continue to have.

    I have suffered three pregnancy loss–one ectopic and two second trimester miscarriages (in 2005 and 2008). My hubby and I are attempting fertilty treatments to try for a fourth pregnancy. But, my body refuses to cooperate. Ongoing cysts have prevented any treatment cycles.

    Please remember that you do not journey alone…

  3. Amy Says:

    Big, big, hugs. If people would just be honest with us in a tactful way and let us choose how to deal with the reality of their news. That is so frustrating. And what is going on with AF being MIA? Sometimes the universe needs a big swift kick in the arse.

    You are not alone, even if it feels like that sometimes.

  4. KB Says:

    I bet you are tired.

    I don’t get why people don’t let the us make our own decisions about parties and events and why they think hiding is better than just being honest. Either way it might sting, but hiding and avoiding only makes me feel freakish and weirder about it and in fact when lied to either overtly or through omission – my reaction is usually, “done with you.”

    XO

  5. Michele Says:

    I am so sorry… I hate being kept in the dark because others are worried about how I will handle things. Not telling hurts more. I wish they’d realize that.

  6. jaded Says:

    i hesitate to say things like that – but in my gut i just don’t think the boys were it for you. what does that mean – i don’t know. but, i just see you and your hubby with children. i feel the exact same way about my husband and i.

    i also know how you feel COMPLETELY when you refer to yourself as a lepar. my husband’s family is the same way – they hid my SIL’s pregnancy all the way to her 7th month. i don’t want to know about it, but not to know makes me feel like they think i will just go crazy. i really hate this whole process.

  7. iamstacey Says:

    Argh, I hate it when friends and family try to hide the news. I’m like you, I’d rather just deal with it.

    You aught to call your bank, call around, see what kind of loan ya’ll would qualify for!

  8. Andrea Says:

    I think people don’t realize that they’re actually making it worse when they hide it… and they probably think they’re protecting you. ya right

    If someone told me they were expecting twins, would I be upset? hell ya… But if they didn’t tell me and I just found out later, I’d be upset and pissed.

    I’m sorry you had to go through that.


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