Where the Hell is My “Easy” Button?

May 26, 2009

I think I have the May Grays’ (I know, I’m supposed to be medicated for that…).  I’m just not excited about anything.  We are in the midst of the two week wait now and I’m not feeling positive or hopeful that the Clomid was helpful.  I just don’t want to be disappointed anymore so I’m not going to get my hopes up.  I know there’s this idea of a “self-fulfilling prophecy” but honestly, I’ve been hopeful, I’ve been positive, I’ve done everything right and I still have two dead babies.

I know I need to be positive, I know that I need to think that every “time” is a chance at finally having a living child but really and truthfully, I won’t even be able to relax when I do finally get pregnant.  I have to stay that way for 23 weeks.  Baby B died at 22 weeks so if I can make it to 23 weeks, I might be able to enjoy to notion of having a living baby.  That’s a long way off for someone who isn’t even pregnant yet.  It’s hard to stand at the bottom of this hill and know that it’s a long, long walk to the finish line.  I guess I still long for the blissful ignorance I had with the boys (that is, until everything went “tits up,” as Hubby says).  I guess I’m still feeling a little “why me?” and a little overwhelmed at everything that has happened to us over the past year or so.  I don’t know where to get the strength to keep trying, to keep moving forward.  I know hubby would be very disappointed to read this.  I’m tapped out emotionally and I don’t know how to get over this funk that I am in….I used to think that my happiness does not depend on having a baby.  Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe that’s the only way that I am going to be happy.

I just don’t know how to “be” anymore….I have spurts of happiness, I’m not sad all the time like before but there are some days…sigh….I want to rewind the clock.  I want to go back.  I want to be done with all of this grief and pain and disappointment and have a living baby. 

Where the hell is my “easy” button?

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4 Responses to “Where the Hell is My “Easy” Button?”

  1. lillyshephard Says:

    i just wrote you a long (too long, probably) response to this moving post…and then it vanished. now i’m irritated, in addition to all the feelings of aching alongside you and aching with you as i read your thoughts and feelings. technology is a real bummer sometimes.

    while i can’t remember all of what i wrote, i do know that i’d like to invite you to visit the wailing wall page of my blog (http://thehuntformyfertility.wordpress.com/wailing-wall/) to tuck a little prayer or memory of your babies into the cracks of the wall…to remember your babies collectively and to hear the stories of other little ones lost…hopes and dreams snuffed out too soon.

    thanks for sharing your honest, though far from “easy”, feelings and experiences….lilly

  2. JJ Says:

    The “how to be” when facing this, what seems to be a never ending uphill battle, is one of the toughest things I dealt with-and STILL do. I dont fall under the regular “mom” in my opinion–Im just rambling, but what my point is–I know it becomes SO HARD to find our identity when we want SO bad to be the one single identity: a mother. Beautiful post–emotions a lot of us have felt.
    Holding you in my thoughts…

  3. Amy Says:

    May seems to be a rough month all around for so many people I know. I wish you had an “easy” button to smash right about now.

    Sorry you are down in the dumps. It happens and for good reason. Maintaining a sense of Hope after all you have been through is a pretty high demand. Do your best and if that is feeling sad and worn out, so be it.

    Lots of love…

  4. Kelly Says:

    It is all so overwhelming, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable and normal to have these times when you’re feeling like crap. Not that anyone wants to feel so bad, but it does happen. Let yourself continue to grieve and feel what you need to feel. Hang in there.


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