In Limbo

September 3, 2008

This is the part that I hate.  The waiting for the inevitable.  I know I’m not pregnant, I took a test this morning and it was negative but I was supposed to get my period on Tuesday.  So I sit here and wait for my period to show whenever she feels like meandering on in.  It’s nature’s cruel joke.  The only time you aren’t going to have your period is when you are pregnant right?  If  you are late, you’re pregnant, right?  Get excited and run out and get a test because you are probably pregnant, right?  Plan how you are going to tell hubby that he gets to be a Daddy again because if your period is late, you are probably pregnant, right?

But nope, not me.  Apparently since losing the babies, my body has decided to have 26 day periods, a couple of 32 day periods; not the usual 28 day regular periods that I used to be able to set a clock to.  Aunt Flo just comes and goes whenever she pleases, breezing in and out like a crimson tide.  So I get to sit here and hope and pray that I am pregnant and then the day that I miss my period, I run out and buy a test and when it’s negative, plunge into a downward spiral.  Disappointment sets in and I get to wait for the inevitable cramping and bleeding.  I’m cranky and mean because I’m sad and disappointed that I have to wait another month.  I’m confused as to why it was so easy last time and worried that I am doing something wrong this time.  I’m fearful that it’s never going to happen.  I’m mad at myself for being so quick to lose hope.

Basically, I’m in Baby Limbo and it really sucks.

BTW, did you know that Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant?  I know, it was a shock to me the first 500 times I heard it.  Just what I really want to hear on an hourly and sometimes minute by minute basis.  Not only can I not go into Target now but I can’t turn on NPR or CNN without being reminded that I shouldn’t have wait to have my children until the ripe old age of 33.  I should have bailed on college and law school and started my family early.  Instead, I get to be reminded every month that I have aging eggs and get to listen to people talk about how “brave” Bristol Palin is for having her baby.  What the hell?  Brave?  Brave are the women who have lost babies, had many, many rounds of fertility treatments and still, everyday hope and pray for a baby.  Brave is the girl who knows she can’t care for a child and makes the best decision she can for herself and her baby.  That’s brave.  Political Panda out.


3 Responses to “In Limbo”

  1. KB Says:

    I hear ya’ loud and clear. I too waited and now I’m approaching 31 and without my baby and scared like, “What if it doesn’t happen b4 35, I don’t want to be in 2 high risk catergories!” Part of my being bitchy this past weekend was feeling like I did everything I was “supposed to do” first: undergrad, career, 2 master’s degres, marriage, etc, etc… waited and planned my pregnancy and, well you know the rest.
    Don’t lose hope, buddy, patience takes practice. Practice with me. We can practice patience even if we do it one minute at a time. We’ll be OK. We will! XO

    PS I just described to my Principal what it felt like when she was sarcastic to me instead of supportive when I came to her last spring the day before I went into the hospital. I was sooooo nervous and she was sooo defensive about it at first and yucky. But I did it! I spoke what I needed to speak. We can do these things. We can. Hugs.

  2. Freda Says:

    I agree. It is so freakin annoying that she’s brave for having a baby. BS. She is just another stupid teenager that couldn’t keep her legs shut and heaven forbid if the press later found out that she chose to have an abortion…

    Sorry…just sick of teenagers today 🙂

  3. babyonthemind Says:

    I understand what you mean. I hate the baby limbo and the waiting. We just started TTC, and time seems to have slowed down to a crawl.

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