Quitter

October 6, 2008

I feel like quitting.  I’m not a quitter.  Everyone who knows me knows I will try something until I get it right. 

Here’s the thing, I feel like quitting and not trying to have a baby anymore. 

This is just too hard to keep trying every month and keep being disappointed.  I not only long for the month that I won’t be disappointed but I’m angry because I should have two babies right now.  This should be so unnecessary right now.  Right now I should be getting the boys ready for the family reunion this weekend, finding them Halloween costumes and preparing them for a visit from Auntie Michelle.  I should be exhausted from getting up and feeding them, I should look like crap because I haven’t slept or showered. 

I’m angry because I am wandering through my life with no seeming sense of purpose except to try and get pregnant.  I feel like the world places no value on me because I have no living children (my mother already solidified this for me years ago but I am now seeing it in the rest of the world).  What are we going to do if we never have children, if it never happens?  My sister in law and her husband have 2 children and 1 on the way and a crappy-ass marriage but are they going to stay married because they get pregnant if the wind shifts.  I have a wonderful relationship with hubby but is that all I get?  Do I only get one of the two?  I feel all this pressure because I just turned 34, I have been diagnosed with a chromosome issue that could contribute to a pregnancy loss, and everyone around me is pregnant or has an infant.  It’s totally selfish but I want to scream, “EVERYONE STOP.  Just let me catch up!”

Or I want to throw my hands in the air and scream, “I’M DONE, THIS IS JUST TOO HARD.”  I am so sick of this emotional roller coaster. 

A friend sent me an email about a time when all of his plans and expectations for his life just “blew up in his face.”  Everything that he had wanted was just not turning out the way that he had hoped or planned so he felt powerless and angry and he did something about it.  I really identified with what he was saying to me because I did that before.  I left someone I cared about very much because he was not emotionally ready to be married.  So I moved from California to North Carolina and as a result, I met hubby, the love of my life.  But, here’s the thing – I don’t know what else I can do about this.  I’m doing what the doctor told me to do.  I threw out the OPK’s, we are just taking it easy.  I’m doing what we did when we got pregnant with the boys -I’m reading, relaxing, doing yoga, swimming, not drinking caffeine, having a glass of wine occasionally.  Short of taking a vacation (which we took a mini-one at the beginning of September) and that would be hugely irresponsible given the financial situation happening right now, I’m at a loss.

Thank God for lunch with Robin and Gretchen today because I have not stopped crying since I got up this morning.

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3 Responses to “Quitter”

  1. Karla Says:

    I’m so sorry for your daily heartache. I know what you mean about feeling like the world places no value on you because you don’t have living children. Having no children of my own (plus no man to help me make one if I did want one), I can relate to what you’re saying. I’m glad you’ve decided to take some tremendous pressure off yourself by using a more relaxed approach, although I know you’re a Type A person so that is probably tough for you. When you wrote, “I don’t know what else I can do” it made me want to tell you to take a deep breath and try to let go of all that responsibility you feel. You can’t be Superwoman. Even if you were, it would probably not change anything. I want you to know that I value you no matter what. I think of you every day and every day I hope you will get pregnant, but if it doesn’t happen right away, I nonetheless know you are a wonderful mom and I wish for you as much peace and happiness as you deserve. Which is a lot! I don’t know Robin and Gretchen, but I hope the lunch with them helped your spirits.

  2. KBunsey Says:

    I am really sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I

  3. Julie Sturdevant Says:

    Hi,

    I just happened across your blog doing a search on google for stillborn twin boys. I know it seems morbid, but I delivered stillborn twin boys about 7 months ago (on 3/28/08). I was only 19 weeks and 2 days into my pregnancy.

    It was exactly 7 months ago today that we found out our babies didn’t have heartbeats anymore. We had my parents with us at an elective ultrasound so we could let them see the babies up on the screen. We saw them, but they weren’t moving. I was induced over the next 2 days, admitted to the hospital on the third day, and gave birth to Liam Patrick and Oliver Glen 14 hours later. We held them, took pictures, and said our goodbyes. I had my dad and husband take the crib apart and told my parents to get all the baby things out of my house. I couldn’t look at them.

    It’s crazy how one instant in your life can completely change who you are and how you view your life. March 25th started out with such excitement and anticipation, and ended in such tragedy and despair. I would give anything to go back to that morning and just stay there, in the hours before my world changed. I too keep thinking I’m supposed to have two babies right now, but I have none. I’m 32 years old, so I’m also worried about my age. We got pregnant with the twins our first month trying. Now I feel like I’ll never be pregnant again. I was fooled into thinking it would be easy. I’m also at the point where I’m tired of the sadness and disappointment each time I take a pregnancy test or each time my period comes. Trying to get pregnant again is becoming like a chore, and I don’t want that. I’m thinking of asking my husband if we can stop talking about trying and just let nature take it’s course without charting which days I’ll supposedly be the most fertile. I just can’t take it anymore.

    I went back to work 6 weeks after my loss, and I only lasted 3 months before I quit my job of 6 1/2 years. I had a difficult co-worker that I’d dealt with over the years, but on top of my grief, I just couldn’t handle working alongside her anymore. I’m sorry, I’m rambling, but I figure if anyone could understand it would be you. To add insult to injury, all my friends were pregnant when I was and now they all have their babies. I’m so sad and angry. I do have my good days, but the sadness and anger is always lurking.

    Please email me if you feel like venting or sharing your thoughts/feelings. I understand what you are going through, and I am so sorry.

    Julie


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