I’m At A Loss…

June 8, 2009

Ha!  Get it?  “I’m at a loss” and I also suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss…that was funny.  Okay, not really.  Not a whole lot funny about this right now.  Or ever.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I had a little mini-breakdown on Saturday while Hubby was at karate.  I don’t feel like I’m pregnant this month and we all know, I’m pretty good at figuring out when I am pregnant (although, honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don’t remember having ANY symptoms with the boys other than PMS cramping and a positive test and in December, I had no symptoms initially until after the test…ummmmm, starting to wonder….).   I know Hubby was so convinced that the Clomid was going to be successful this month and I hate that I am going to have to tell him that it didn’t work this time.  Maybe next month.  That’s that the motto of our house, “maybe next month.”

I’m committed to the next two rounds of Clomid.  After that, honestly, I don’t know.  Maybe Hubby and I need to discuss other options.  What?  I have no idea.  We don’t have any of the money necessary for adoption or egg donation.  I’m don’t want to say it but we may need to accept that our life together will be childless.  It’s painful to say that but I just don’t know what else to do.  I’m not giving up but can’t keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them dashed or worse, get pregnant and have it end.  Plus, I’m starting to question whether I want to pass this along to my children.  Maybe this needs to end with me.  Maybe I am giving up.  I can’t make the decision for both of us but I just wonder, how success can we be if my heart is just not in it anymore?  Maybe the boys were it.  Maybe I’m just tired.  Maybe I need a break.

Maybe I just need a fucking win.

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10 Responses to “I’m At A Loss…”

  1. Gretchen Says:

    DO NOT GIVE UP! You have 2 more rounds, try it. I know this is hard and I’ve seen what you are going through. Please, don’t give up just yet. I’m still praying and I still feel like God will give you (and me) your miracle.
    Ok, if anything do it for us, f-you and yourself and your wants, selfish byotch anyway! JK. I LOVE YOU! Go with your heart, but I say, WTF, go the next 2 months. But then again, it’s not my loss every month. I guess I’m at a loss for words too.
    I do love you!

  2. iamstacey Says:

    I’m so sorry for your hurt, I think you’re so brave for sharing your journey, and for saying how you really feel.
    Maybe go back through your page of 100 reasons. See how they resonate with you – your feelings may have changed. Maybe you’ll feel like starting a new list, like reasons why you and you husband will be happy again …

  3. Kate Says:

    I’m in a TWW myself and I feel your pain. I know its easy for me to say… but maybe take it with the knowledge that I am telling myself as much as I am telling you, Don’t lose hope! It can happen and until it doesn’t you have to keep hoping it will.

  4. Emma Says:

    i heard something the other day that your post reminded me of, “when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place” i know, first hand, that there are many times i don’t want to hear encouragement from others. and even more times when giving up seems like the only option. emotionally, physically and even spiritually sometimes it all just seems like way too much to take on. no matter what though, hope is what keeps us going…even if it’s just a glimmer. i hope you’re able to find some peace and feel better about what the future may bring you.

  5. misterivf Says:

    Hang in there. If nothing else positive vibes cant do any harm and may be good. Please try to stay positive. We would all love to see you get there at the end of your cycle. There are so many stories of women who feel nothing and have kids.

    Think of a huge rock concert and you are on stage and everyone is cheering you. You! Hang in there, we are all at your concert, for you!!!

  6. caitsmom Says:

    Hang in there. I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. Just know that many of us are thinking of you, and hoping with you. Peace.

  7. Christy Says:

    I am so hoping you get a win. SO hoping.

  8. Tarah Says:

    I’m so hoping that you get your win, too! I know your heartache and I know how you’re feeling. I feel like the odd ball here in saying that you have to do what’s best for you.

    I too feel like giving up. I feel like living child free is our only option. But for some reason I keep trying to find ways to pay for an egg donor cycle in hopes that will bring our family together.

    In the end, you’re the only one that can make the right decision for you and your family. I

    am hoping that Clomid does the trick for you and you’re beautiful win is near. Know that I’m thinking of you and hoping nothing but the best for you. ((HUGS))

    ♥T

  9. MoDLin Says:

    Sorry to hear you’re so down in the dumps. This is awfully hard and can really wear you down. Please know you’re not alone and that there are many of us out here thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts.

  10. Jaded Says:

    M,

    I am sorry you are hurting. Maybe you just need some time – a cycle or two off and then back on the horse? maybe you can finish out your clomid cycles and if it does not work take a break then?

    hopefully things will happen for you soon and you won’t even have to consider a break.


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