October 26, 2009

Yup, that’s me.  I’m spiraling into sadness once again.   This is just another month where I’m plotting and planning when Hubby and I are supposed to do ‘it.”  Yet again, I think “I shouldn’t have to be worrying about this….I should have two little boys to fuss over for Halloween.”

But I don’t.

The unconfirmed loss of last month has left me reeling…again….but why?  Why shouldn’t I be used to these losses?  Realistically, this is going to be our life – our reality –  until we conceive and carrying again past 23 weeks, why am I not used to that fact yet?  These feelings of grief and loss are exacerbated by the fact that I found out we can’t refinance our home to pay for adoption costs.  Apparently home prices have dropped in the area and we don’t have enough equity to take out a loan to cover the costs of adoption.  What a surprise that something didn’t work out for us….I’m shocked (that’s sarcasm in case you are new to my blog – nothing goes the way it’s supposed to for me – the universe hates me). 

Oh and there may be a third thing contributing to my downward spiral….On Friday, I tried to have a conversation with my mother about adoption and for some fucked up reason, she asked me if I was pregnant.  Sidebar: she makes it sound like an accusation when she asks….”Are you preg-a-nant?”  She sounds out the syllables just like that.  It makes me feel like she’s disapproving of me….this is the woman who said, “I don’t know how I feel about that…” when she bullied me into telling her I was pregnant with the boys.  Anywho, why the fuck would I be talking to her about adoption if I was pregnant and then I remembered, I had been pregnant up until Monday.  Just a little bit anyway so prehaps it was a valid question.  Still, she switched the subject after I said no and wanted to discuss her dog.  I try to have a relationship with her but really, I’m just being polite now…I really feel like she doesn’t want to hear anything of substance.  It’s strange, I used to tell her everything…

I want so badly to be pregnant again.  I have a myriad of friends who are pregnant – some getting ready to deliver any day now.  I feel so angry and hurt and left out and why?  This shouldn’t be new to me…this is where I’ve been since April 8th, 2008.  I should be used to standing in the shadows, used to the fact that I envy people who are pregnant, I should be used to disappointment.

I feel like such a disappointment.


5 Responses to “Spiraling…”

  1. Kelly Says:

    ((HUGS)) I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. It is all so sad and unfair and it’s so easy to spiral downward. It sucks, plain and simple. Hang in there. Good things are bound to happen at some point, right? Right?!

  2. KB Says:

    YOU are NOT a disappointment! Disappointments happen in life and I’m very sorry that I can’t often explain why and I can’t fix them. Fuck! I wish I could fix them. I know somebody who would “super pink protective double bubble” herself against things. Maybe we could borrow her insulation technique and “super pink protective double bubble” ourselves. Even if it doens’t work – we might laugh a little about it later. I’m sorry this is the best I have today. I’m thinking about you constantly and always rooting for you!

  3. Amy Says:

    I hate this for you. You are not a dissapointment even though those feelings are screeching around in your head and heart. I don’t know what to say other than I am here for you, holding positive thoughts firmly in my heart for you this time around. I wish things were different.

    Big ((((((hugs))))))

    Sending you a ton of love.

  4. fz Says:

    I’m soo sorry for ur loss I too know the pain of lossing a baby.on June 27 2009 I gave birth at 23 weeks to my son Aaiden Matthew he live for 2hrs in my arms,A part of me offically died that day and its getting I can’t say easy but I guess ajusting would be the word.I have 2 other children a girl & another little boy who I almost lost also.Its just so hard now when I visit a Dr or anyone I speak to and we talk aboutchildren ect.and I say I gave birth to 3 but one died!!! Before him I was a major insomniac but now forget it I’m the one that wakes up the roosters.There are days that I say to hell with it I want to be with him but then I remember my 2 other babies.But I know god had other plans for him, He needed someone by his side to watch over our family god gave me my very own angel and if all god could give me where those 2hrs holding him then now I can always remember him!:)

  5. Brisy Says:

    It sukcs because is not only having that problem, but is also dealling with those people who make you feel worse, I just feel so lonely, my mom is the same way as yours. sometimes I think we are going to be the best momys, because we are going to be with our kids anytime they need us. I still have faith, but I can not stop feeling sorry for my self… I don’t like at all 😦
    God needs to do something for us, because I don’t see any other way.
    I wish you where close by so we can talk, because no one can understand this terrible thing. And sometimes we only need a hug. When I had my first misscarriage family and friends said somethings like it was my fault, and when I had my second lost I did’t tell anybody. Now that I know I have the balanced translocation thing, there is no way I want to talk to them about it. My husband is woulderfull he is willing to keep forward.

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