A Little Light…

I’ve been in a pretty dark place for the last couple of days – probably since Sunday when I realized I was no longer pregnant and just waiting for the inevitable.  I’ve decided to step back and let the light shine in again.  I was able to keep it together yesterday, no breakdowns.  I thought about how much I loved being pregnant with the boys, how sweet Baby B was when I got to hold him and what an amazing Dad Hubby will be to our children.  The good stuff.  PlusI had a ton of loving and kind notes from bloggy people and non-bloggy people alike.  Thank you for that.

I am retracting my statement that the boys were my one shot at motherhood.  I don’t believe that.  I have days where the odds seem so insurmountable that I want to throw my hands up and say, “Im done”  but I am going to try looking at it in a different way.  I get pregnant.  A lot actually.  Since the boys, it’s been 4 times.  And I got pregnant with the boys and stayed that way for 22 weeks.  And they didn’t die from anything that could ever happen again.  This time line that I have put myself on is stupid and it’s only making me stress out more.  I’m going to pull up (or down, I guess, would be more helpful) my big girl panties and do it all again next month.

I want another baby and I am going to keep at it until Hubby and I get one.

Until then, I am supposed to be practicing better “self-care” according to my therapist.  Today I am walking at lunch with my very, very, saintly, wonderful friend K.  I’m going to try and find a calming yoga DVD doesn’t focus on too much “reflectiveness.”  I need constant yammering, I don’t need to be more in my head.  I’m going to read a bunch of trashy chick-lit books and sit my butt on the chaise lounge in the sun.

I can’t say that I won’t have bad days anymore.  The good already outweigh the bad, mainly because of therapy and drugs and the people I have surrounded myself with.  I grieved for the loss Monday.  I recognized the boys yesterday and today, I’m looking forward to my next baby.