A Little Light…

April 8, 2009

I’ve been in a pretty dark place for the last couple of days – probably since Sunday when I realized I was no longer pregnant and just waiting for the inevitable.  I’ve decided to step back and let the light shine in again.  I was able to keep it together yesterday, no breakdowns.  I thought about how much I loved being pregnant with the boys, how sweet Baby B was when I got to hold him and what an amazing Dad Hubby will be to our children.  The good stuff.  PlusI had a ton of loving and kind notes from bloggy people and non-bloggy people alike.  Thank you for that.

I am retracting my statement that the boys were my one shot at motherhood.  I don’t believe that.  I have days where the odds seem so insurmountable that I want to throw my hands up and say, “Im done”  but I am going to try looking at it in a different way.  I get pregnant.  A lot actually.  Since the boys, it’s been 4 times.  And I got pregnant with the boys and stayed that way for 22 weeks.  And they didn’t die from anything that could ever happen again.  This time line that I have put myself on is stupid and it’s only making me stress out more.  I’m going to pull up (or down, I guess, would be more helpful) my big girl panties and do it all again next month.

I want another baby and I am going to keep at it until Hubby and I get one.

Until then, I am supposed to be practicing better “self-care” according to my therapist.  Today I am walking at lunch with my very, very, saintly, wonderful friend K.  I’m going to try and find a calming yoga DVD doesn’t focus on too much “reflectiveness.”  I need constant yammering, I don’t need to be more in my head.  I’m going to read a bunch of trashy chick-lit books and sit my butt on the chaise lounge in the sun.

I can’t say that I won’t have bad days anymore.  The good already outweigh the bad, mainly because of therapy and drugs and the people I have surrounded myself with.  I grieved for the loss Monday.  I recognized the boys yesterday and today, I’m looking forward to my next baby.


6 Responses to “A Little Light…”

  1. brown-eyed-girl Says:

    I’m glad that you’re in a better place today. Hang in there!

  2. Amy Says:

    I’m so glad the light found it’s way back in. I planned to check in on you today and see how yesterday was for you. It is such a battle – up and down, light and dark. Exhausting!

    So, could Friday coffee with a friend be part of your treatment plan? I can be there around 1 Friday and can suggest a couple chick-lit books.

  3. stacey Says:

    I’ve been thinking of you this week. So glad to read this today. I’m touched and inspired by your resolve!

  4. KB Says:

    “I am retracting my statement that the boys were my one shot at motherhood. I don’t believe that. I have days where the odds seem so insurmountable that I want to throw my hands up and say, “Im done” but I am going to try looking at it in a different way.”

    I’m very proud of you for this. Very! What you are doing is very courageous b/c it isn’t easy – but you’re doing great. I’m glad your therapist has you working on “self care” – when you get preg again and stay that way you’ll have a rich toolbox of goodies and people who will suppport you on that leg of the journey.

    About your yoga DVD: would a fertility DVD be annoying? Fertility isn’t your issue, but I liked the one I bought. It was gentle, yet a good enough stretch. Safe for ttc. Kind and kind of funny when the teacher tells students that this pose, “sends energy to our ovaries and testes.” There’s some guided imagery at the end and the teacher talks the whole time. If that doesn’t interest you – perhaps I have some other suggestions. E-mail me and we’ll talk about DVDs I own or have tried before you buy anything. As you know, there are so many different types of yoga out there.


  5. Gretchen Says:

    Good for you! I’m very proud of you, this is a huge step. sorry I missed last week. I’m horrible friend these days, but I do think about you often and I am praying so does that help?

  6. Jaded Says:

    there you go…

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