I Am Not Going to Break

September 16, 2008

Okay, maybe I will but it won’t be in front of my mother in law.

I love my mother in law a lot.  I do, I adore her.  I hit the “mother in law jackpot” when I married my husband.  For that matter, I love my sisters in law, all three of them.  Hit the jackpot there too. 

However, if you have been in my situation (and I know a lot of you reading this are), you understand the title of this post.  It’s the elephant in the room, right?  (see the post by Life After Levi, called “My Elephant” http://mylifeafterlevi.blogspot.com/2008/03/my-elephant.html).  If you haven’t been in my situation, let me enlighten you.  I now know what it’s like to be a Panda at the zoo, behind glass, being stared at.

My mother in law came in on Wednesday.  Apparently Hubby had a talk with her and her best friend (who I love too) about watching what they said to me.  If they wanted to talk about the babies, they could but know that I would cry, it would suck and I am still sad.  Hubby puts on a brave face like he isn’t going to cry but of course, was sobbing while he is telling me that he told her this.  I hadn’t seen her since I lost Baby B.  I didn’t want people to come to NC and “be” with me after I lost the boys.  I just wanted to be alone with my husband so if I wanted to curl up on the kitchen floor and scream and cry, I could (oh and I have done that – I recommend the kitchen floor, it’s cool and if you cry so hard, you puke, it’s easy clean up).  I just wanted to be free to be a mess.  I am not good at being a mess in front of people, even if that is my family.  Hubby, Michelle, Kelly, Gretchen, Robin, just a few people….

Well, it took them both until about Friday morning to stop staring at me.  It’s like they were looking to see if I had changed.  I’m pretty well cleaned up now – right after, I was ugly and a mess but now, I have new hair, eyelashes are back, no more dark circles under my eyes, skin is not pale and yellowish…I still have 10 pounds to lose but I don’t look like a woman who is completely devastated.

We never did talk about it.  I don’t know Hubby’s talk scared them off or what but I kind of wish we would have.  It’s easier for me to talk about it then be stared at.  It makes me less anxious to talk about it. 

Regardless, I had a really nice time, was distracted for a couple of days – heck, I even laughed!

I didn’t crack and I certainly didn’t break.  That’s progress, right?

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One Response to “I Am Not Going to Break”


  1. i totally know what you mean. i would have hubby tell anyone not to bring it up with me, but then when i was around them, i felt like describing every single detail to them about what happened, how i was feeling, what’s happened since then – it’s weird. for the most part i just wanted to hide from everyone except hubby, but then others would come around and i’d become an open book. i think that i felt like if i kept talking about it then no one would forget our baby and how special she was to us. it’s hard to explain, but i’m sure you know what i mean 😦


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