I’m Trying….

August 13, 2009

to be hopeful.  I know it doesn’t seem like it but I am.  I promise, I am.  It’s so hard because you aren’t in my head.  You don’t hear the things that I hear – “I’m broken, I’m defective, I can’t make a single good egg that won’t result in a dead baby, I had my babies and now that’s it, I don’t get anymore, my body betrayed me and the boys died” – you don’t hear that.  I do.  Daily.  Almost hourly, if we are being honest.

The therapist wants me to be able to visualize having a family in a positive manner.  We had the whole discussion again about being positive and if I think I won’t get pregnant, then it will be become a self-fulfilling prophecy and I won’t get pregnant.  I’m not not having a baby because I’m emotional stunted.  I’m not have a baby because I have a genetic condition in which 2/3 of my pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I’ve been trying for the last 3 months to get back to where I was when I got pregnant with the boys.  We were finally free of money troubles, living in a nice place, I had lost 15 pounds….I’ve been working to get back to that but I’m starting to get frustrated because I feel like my attitude isn’t going to change the genetics.  That’s where my hopelessness stims from.  I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I don’t know what is going to make me see that light.  I’m willing to try but…

And it doesn’t help that I am already grumpy from fucking fertility meds that I was so HOPEFUL would produce extra eggs with the correct genetic material.


A Second Poem…

July 21, 2009

Amy from Surviving the Day sent me this poem yesterday.  I love it, I think it’s perfect – I love the two petals.  It’s another one to add to my collection of “things”.  Not sure what I am doing with these “things” yet but I’m leaning towards a box…Still no word from the friend regarding the certificates.  I understand it’s hard to think about and I’m going to be patient until I hear from her.  Thank you for all the amazing thoughts and words…my little invisible army…thanks.
My mind lets go a thousand things,
Like dates of wars and deaths of kings,
And yet recalls the very hour – 
‘Twas noon by yonder village tower,
And on the last blue moon in May – 
The wind came briskly up this way,
Crisping the brook beside the road;
Then, pausing here, set down its load
Of pine-scents, and shook listlessly
Two petals from that wild-rose tree.
~ Thomas Bailey Aldrich

Mending My Heart…

July 17, 2009

I called on Monday to have the boys’ death certificates amended to include their names.  We didn’t give their names to the doctor at the hospital, I can’t remember…morphine….

The boys don’t have death certificates.

They never drew a breath outside of my belly.  I was told that they aren’t entitled to any certificate.

Why does this bother me so?  Yeah, I don’t know.  I discussed this at length with the therapist and she thinks that I just need something to hold on to so that I don’t feel like they are slipping away or that I needed this for closure.  I don’t know.  I feel like the universe gave me closure when it took them from me.  I’ve struggled with how I wanted to remember them, what I’ve wanted something that I could look at if I wanted to but put away if I needed to.  A tattoo is not something I can just put away…a piece of jewelry maybe?  Nothing I have seen has spoken to me in away that I would want to remember the boys.  I have a great key chain that I love but I can’t decide if I want something I can put in their baby book or…I just don’t know….I feel unsettled…

I took a deep breath this morning, swallowed my tears and emailed a friend who draws – J, she’s a sorority sister who lives in San Fran.  I wanted to call her but it’s been to hard to even say the words to Hubby.  He doesn’t know there are no death certificates.  I don’t know if it will matter to him.  Anywho, I’ve asked her to make me certificates for the boys.  I have no idea what she will say…it’s a lot to ask someone – “can you sit down for a couple of hours and make a little memorial to my dead babies? ”  Good times.

I’m hoping she will say yes but if not, I will find something else…I think I need to do this.


July 14, 2009

I really do feel like I’m losing it.  I’m angry and sad and frustrated and I cry a lot.  “Sounds like depression,” you say, and I would agree with you if I wasn’t being medicated for depression already and seeing a therapist.  I mean who has lists of baby names in their head but no baby yet?  Who has visions of having twins again, knowing the likelihood of it happening again is slim?  Who dreams of babies who are long, long gone?  I’m going crazy, aren’t I?

As much as I don’t want to admit it, I put a lot of hope and faith in the Clomid and twice now, it’s not worked.  I feel like we did everything right and it didn’t work.  We probably did do everything right.  I know that you can do everything right every month and it still won’t happen right away (unless you are any number of my friends and my sister in law and then, rest assured, you will get pregnant within minutes of deciding you want to be…do I sound bitter?  That’s because I am and I don’t care…).  We have one more month of Clomid and my understanding is that it’s magical powers will stay in my system for up to 60 days.  After that, I don’t think I want anymore.  The side effects suck and I still have no baby(ies)…I can have no baby(ies) and not feel physically like crap sans Clomid, thank you very much.

I’m tired of whining and crying, I’m tired of friends having to pick up the pieces, I’m tired of all of you having to be my cheerleaders…I know that I need to get over this, I keep telling myself that but I just don’t know what to do to feel better…

I’m truly feeling lost….

It turns out that my emotional instability (ha! I made Lindsay Lohan look demure), moodiness, horrible abdominal pain on Sunday and Monday, bloating and cramping, nauseous and diarrhea can all be explained (no, not swine flu or H1R2D2 – whatever they call it now – or bad chili at the cookout Sunday). 

It’s the Clomid.

I have to say, I was a bit relieved to figure this out.  A friend asked me, “perhaps this is a possible side-effect of the drugs?” 

“Noooooooooooo, ” I said, “I’ve already taken the drugs like weeks ago…oh wait…”

Yeah, well, stupid me then looks on the Internet (because that’s were all of us “offspringly challenged” find our medical information) and it turns out, the major side-effects kick in AFTER you ovulate.  Makes sense if you think about the hormones that have gotten all pumped up because of the pills I’ve been popping and then they are let loose on my system with reckless abandon.

Really, though, it’s a relief.  I had this fear that I was falling back into a deeper depression that not even the happy pills could help.  I still have the tummy issue, the bloating and feeling “full” but the actually pain of Sunday and Monday are gone as are the other less pleasant symptoms that I don’t need to discuss in polite company….

I can be crazy without fear, there will be no mental hospital for me!  Yay!

It’s the little victories….

Baby Boys

April 7, 2009


I miss you terribly and I love you. 

I cannot believe it’s been a year since you were delivered but your Dad and I will always love you and hold you in our hearts.


Your Mommy.

I’m Blah.

February 12, 2009

That’s the only way that I can describe it.  Blah.  Hubby and I had a fight last night about when to “do it” and how often to “do it” and my expectations and his expectations.  It’s never a good idea to have that conversation when you are both tired.  I feel like he thinks this is too much work and he feels like I putting too much pressure on us to make this happen THIS month.  I can’t go into the Week of Boink with a “whatever” attitude.  Hubby has told me in the past that he wants us to be positive.  Okay, so I go into Week of Boink with an attitude of “it will happen this month!” but should I also be resigned that it might not happen?  I just don’t know how to do both and I hate fighting with my husband over sex.  That’s just ridiculous to me.  And I hate the OPKs and I don’t know if they are working.  I can’t tell when I am supposed to ovulate anymore.  It seems like multiple losses have really screwed up my cycle although, I must not be too bad at it since we keep getting pregnant.  I think that ovulation is happening today since I have some cramping….sigh.

I asked Hubby what would happen if I gave up – if I told him I was done, this is too hard and I am too tired.  He said that we would have a big problem because he wants children with me and the fact that I am the baby-incubater would complicate matters.  I’m not giving up yet and I don’t really know why I asked him that.  I think maybe it was to gage where he was in the whole process which is a crappy “woman” thing to do but I was afraid if I asked him outright if he was done, he would yell at me for accusing him of quitting and not being committed to having a baby.  Hubby thinks that I am trying to beat the Translocated Chromosome, which is, of course, a fight that I won’t win.  I thought I was resigned to the fact that we just need to keep trying and we will get pregnant and have a baby eventually.  I guess I am still stuck in the “why me?” phase.  I wish this wasn’t my life.

So where are we?  Well, if wishes were babies then my house would look like Brad and Angelina’s house…other than that, I just want to be a normal couple that has sex and makes a baby.  How to make that happen?  No idea.