Rooting for Me

July 10, 2009

This is a bit of a followup to yesterday’s post.  When I got home last night, there was a package from a friend – a fellow Sigma Kappa – who makes jewelry (actually, it’s funny because I have two friends who are Sigma Kappas and make jewelry – this is “B”).  She had responded to my cry for a need for something to change my luck, cleanse my aura, whatever and she made me 2 necklaces and a bracelet.  One necklace is amber with amethyst, the other is moonstone with a matching bracelet.  Each type of stone has a meaning but really, what I wanted to talk about was the the spirit of the pieces themselves.

See, I forget, I have people rooting for me.  Everyday, countless people root for me.  I have a keychain that K gave me marking the year anniversary of when the boys were born that I look at daily and know, she is hoping and wishing that things will be good for me.  She’s on my team.  I have people like G, who read yesterday’s post and say, “oh, looks like we need a lunch, how’s next week?”  I know that I am often in her thoughts.  People like my West Coast K, who sends notes almost weekly, just checking in and always knows the right thing to say.  People like B who make lovely, lovely things to reverse my bad “mojo” and whether it works or not (and I do beleive these things work), I wear this necklace today and know that she is rooting for me.

For me, it’s still a struggle to get up in the morning.  It’s hard to face the day knowing that your children died and I don’t know any other way to say that to people.  It’s hard and that may seem obvious but unless you live it, you have no idea how hard.  These little things, along with the intense love that I have for Hubby and that I know he has for me, they help me remember that people are rooting for me, they help me get up and go on.

So does that mean I’m coming out of hiding? 

Yes, but slowly. 

And on my own terms.

You still won’t see me at a baby show anytime soon.

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Hiding

July 9, 2009

I’ve been hiding.  I admit it.  Except for a few select people, I don’t want to be around anyone.  I’ve been bad about returning calls, answering emails, accepting invitations.  I’ve used the excuse that I’ve been busy with work – which is partially true.  With several people being on vacation, I have been busy but that’s not the total reason.

I’m tired of hearing about this person is pregnant or that person just had their baby…it’s hard on me.  As much as I want to be that person who can rise above all of the pain and grief that I still feel and be happy for someone else…I can’t.  And honestly, I am too tired to pretend anymore.  If that makes me a bad person, that’s fine, I can live with that.  I’m protecting myself and while I hate that some people’s feelings are going to get hurt, I’m too sad and too broken to care anymore.  Congratulations and call me when it’s over.

And I realize that separating myself from people is not good.  I get that.  Particularly with the depression looming over me.  But honestly, I am tired of being the only person at the party with no kids.  I swear to God, if I hear one more person say, “I went off birth control and got pregnant the next month!”  Guess what?  So did I.  The boys still died.  Or I just love when the conversation drifts to, “oh and when I was delivering…”  Just once, I’m going to pipe up and say, “really? I don’t remember that but that could be the massive amounts of morphine that was coursing through my veins so that I would actually NOT remember delivering two dead babies…”

See, probably shouldn’t be around people anyway….

I’ve never been someone who sleeps well.  Even as a kid, I would sleep sporadically.  In college and law school, I required 4-5 hours a night (of course, there were naps to be taken too).  I take a long time to fall asleep and my mind is easily distracted particularly because I worry a lot.  People laugh when I tell them that I am usually in bed at 9:30 or 10:00pm because it will take me a good hour or so to finally pass out.  I think that’s why when I do falling asleep, I sleep like I’ve got earplugs in…nothing will wake me it seems…I go through cycles where I do okay and then I will have bouts of fitful, fragmented sleep.  Maybe this happens to everyone…I don’t know.  Reading before bed helps, so does consistent exercise…

I mention this because when we initially lost the boys, my biggest reaction was the lack of sleep and that didn’t surprise me.  Take a person who already doesn’t sleep well and throw in the weighty grief of losing two children and of course, I’m not going to sleep.  The result?  You get one tired me.  And when I did finally sleep, I would dream the same dream over and over.  Little baby boys crying and I couldn’t find them.  I would search and search and they would be just out of reach to me…telling isn’t it?

Last night I had a new version of the dream.  This is the first time in months, I’ve dreamed about them.  I was standing on a cliff, screaming their names…at the top of my lungs, I was screaming for them.  I woke up about 4 times last night with the same dream over and over.  Needless to say, I didn’t get up at 5am for bootcamp this morning.

And I feel like crap today.  Not only because I didn’t sleep worth a damn but I am obviously, completely and totally disturbed by this dream.  I can still feel what it was like to stand on that cliff and want my boys so badly.  Screaming for them.  I know they aren’t lost, they are dead – I know that – but to me, it feels the same, I guess…

I don’t know what to do with this today…