And So I Wait…

September 30, 2009

I went to book club last night not realizing that one of our members, who is very pregnant would be there.  I backed out of book club at her house because I just couldn’t deal and then the next month, Hubby was out of town and I couldn’t get there and let the dogs out after work all at the same time.  Plus book club was the week before the boys due date and I just couldn’t do it.  I can only do what I can do, remember?  I have managed to avoid her until last night.  Honestly, I just simply forgot that she would be there.

So I sat at the far end of the table, in the corner, sandwiched between my people.  K on one side, H on the other, R on the other side of K.  I felt stupid that I needed to feel safe and secure – she’s a damn pregnant woman, not an axe murderer.  But I didn’t want to sit next to her and stare at her huge belly, knowing that I am still waiting for mine.  My tummy never got to be that big (despite the repeatedly nasty comments made by my mother – my tummy at 5 months was probably about the size of most women at 7 months but there were two little boys in there).  My tummy might never get to be that big.  I’m waiting for just a chance to get that big.  I feel like that’s all I do, every month…just wait.

There was the inevitable baby talk since R had her baby a month ago but for the most part, we talked about current events, things going on with everyone – particularly a legal situation with H that was, thankfully, finally resolved and hopefully, she finds some peace.

And we laughed.  A lot.  And loudly.  I needed to laugh loudly and a lot.

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6 Responses to “And So I Wait…”

  1. Tina Says:

    I am sorry you had to be faced with that situation. It is hard for me to look at very pregnant women too. Although I was only into my 5th month with my girls, I was as big as a full term singleton mother would be. Thinking of you and hoping your “month” will be very soon. xx

  2. Michele Says:

    I’m glad you were able to laugh… I still find it hard to be around pregnant women, especially very, very pregnant, near-full-term women. I think I might have those feelings (esp the full term ones) for a long time.

  3. Kelly Says:

    Ugh. Those situations suck – especially if you weren’t expecting it. I’m glad to hear, however, that you laughed, even loudly! Laughter does go a long way in my book to making me feel better.

  4. Amy Says:

    I’m glad you had “safe” people to surround you and were able to laugh by the end of the evening.

  5. iamstacey Says:

    Thank goodness for awesome friends! We couldn’t do it without their support. You did a great job getting through book club – and having a great time! Yay for you! 🙂

  6. Marilyn Litt Says:

    I just read the last four in a row and you are getting better. I think crying again was good. You knew you could cry and stop. It looked to you like you were crying again, but inside somewhere you knew you were able to cry.

    You sat in the bookclub wondering could you do it, but you did. You sat there the whole time. Before you would have been looking for her car and drove on or backed out of the room and left. You would never have been having a conversation in your head. Before the flight was involuntary. Now you are in charge.

    You are taking more blows and are able to keep going. It is all very hard and it is all showing your resiliency returning. Do you know Beckett? “I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”

    Keep up the exercise! That is probabably a big help. Keep writing because that is a dialogue.


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