Cloudy With a Chance of Rain…

September 23, 2009

Weather always effects my mood…cloudy and dark makes me sad and sullen.  It’s the depression, I’m sure.

My insurance coverage changed in August.  I knew my employer had to make some adjustments to continue to be able to afford to cover us but I had no idea that it would effect the mental health coverage in the policy.  That’s right gang, no more therapy unless we want to pay for it and with Hubby being laid off, it’s not in the budget.  We might try and do 2 sessions a month once we get a little more “in the black” but right now, it’s not going to work out.  Nothing I can do about it except hope for health care reform that will include a mental health option.  So I’m sullen and depressed with no outlet…yeah.

We have to give up our boot camp sessions too.  We’ve been going 3 times a week for the last 5 months and it’s been great.  I haven’t really lost weight but I’ve toned up a lot.  I’m feeling confident that I can continue to work out on my own.  I have hand weights, a jump rope and 3 dogs who love to go for long and fast walks….I just need to make myself accountable to get up every other morning and go.  We just can’t afford to spent the money anymore.

Which brings me to a realization I had yesterday.  I think I’ve gone “soft.”  I used to not have the luxury of therapy and trainers and ready-made food and fancy coffee.  Since our income increased several years ago, I’ve gotten accustomed to “the good life” – which, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy but I’ve lost my ability to survive.  Part of that has to do with losing the boys – I’ve lost my will to survive, not just the ability to do so.  I think, at some point, I just decided I would float along until I got pregnant again – maybe in the hopes that would make “it” all okay and give me more of a sense of purpose.  I don’t know.  Until a couple of days ago, I was feeling good.  I felt confident that we would be having another baby soon.  I was hopeful, I was almost cheerful, even slightly happy.  But that happiness, like my pregnancies, seemed to end as quickly as it started.  I’m filled with doubt – have I ovulated yet, did we “do it” enough, is this “our month.”  So much doubt and fear and sadness…almost overwhelming…

Maybe I just need to sack up, stop feeling sorry for myself, stop feeling bad about myself and focus on the good things in life, things I want to accomplish.  It’s so hard to do though.  I know you other lost baby mamas and daddas understand this.  It all comes back to that one phrase…”I’m sorry, I’m not seeing a heartbeat.”  It resonates with me constantly.  It effects everything I do.

Looks like a 90% chance of rain today.


4 Responses to “Cloudy With a Chance of Rain…”

  1. m.h. Says:

    sigh….. i hate those words too.

  2. Michele Says:

    Sending you a big hug. I know what you mean about getting accustomed to the “good” life and then feeling unsure of how to make it when you do the obligatory cutbacks. I’m really sorry. It’s not fair to add this shit onto everything else.

  3. Christy W Says:

    I don’t think it’s fair to say to yourself, “suck it up! Deal with it!” It is so understandable that you feel the way you do-you’re stuck in a place where your life can’t seem to go on until you have a baby in your arms. And worst of all, you miss your boys. I know that my life is standing still, and my loss wasn’t even 6 months ago.
    It’s great to think about doing other things, accomplishing other goals, but I have so much faith that you will realize your ultimate goal!
    I’m so sorry things are so shitty. I don’t have much to say to make it better, I know, but just know that I am thinking of you.
    Christy W

  4. Jaded Says:

    ever since there has been the risk of my husband losing his job we have cut back significantly. take out only once a week led to my increased love of cooking. canceling my gym mebership lead to my buying different types of workout dvd’s and therefore trying new things. i now do my own pedicures and eyebrows at home and i’ve gotten quite good at it. i’m possibly saving over $200 a month – easy.

    look at it that way.

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